I need help...NOW!! - Warning Not a pleasant subject

[Cantgiveashitliterally]

OMG...Im hoping someone can help me, this is so embarassing, I feel like i have a tennis ball stuck up my bum, i cant go to the toilet and it hurts, I have been sitting on the toilet for over an hour and it feels like its coming, but...Nothing. Im sore, i feel sick and shaking. I have never felt anything like this before, somebody please tell me what to do. How can I "unblock". Ive tried walking around, drinking water, I dont know what else to do.

PS i know this sounds like a joke, but, I promise its not.

This thread belongs in classics

@Cantgiveashitliterally The Laxido sachets I use are orange flavoured, but not sweet, (which causes some cognitive dissonance, because you expect orange to be sweet) but they taste ok. You can either get them on prescription, or buy them over the counter. They act as a stool softener and are my preferred laxative.

The pharmacy once sent me the wrong laxatives, which were also in sachets (don't remember what they were called) but they tasted so vile, I only took one sip, and couldn't take any more. The closest I could describe it as, was like drinking liquid metal, but even that doesn't really describe how nasty they were.

Have you informed the council? It may cause havoc to the local sewer pipes

In all seriousness I'm glad it's out. I recall visitors arriving a few days after Ds was born and Dh knocking on the bathroom door, while I was struggling, to hurry me up - luckily he survived that day . Your predicament sounds way worse though. Try Fibe capsules - it has fibre and some of those bacteria that are supposed to be good for your gut. I find them good as I don't eat much fruit or veg. I do eat bananas and reckon they help too. It's a bit trial and error to see what will work for you to keep you regular but definitely start trying ways to help.

I was once writhing in agony on the sofa convinced i had appendicitis - no it was an enormous about of trapped farts.

This is truly one of the most horrific threads I've read on Mumsnet! The thought of people digging poo out of themselves with teaspoons?! Jesus wept.

Bisacodyl
The smallest, yellow dot of a pill.
The biggest, baddest poops after.
But I think I only got it because I was seeing the bowel specialists because my bum is fubar

I cant believe Ive read all pages of this thread... to see if you had a poo or not!

This thread is better than EastEnders, oh the suspense !!

Well this is the thread for me! Im assuming people are going to suggest all sorts of foods and medications some of which you may need to go out and buy. So I will give you advice you can do right now. I’ve been there. And unfortunately due to medication I will be there again most likely. First get a small stool or some books or anything to raise your feet. You need your knees higher than your hips. Next try rocking back and forth, this probably won’t work but worth a try! Next try pushing on the perineal area, the bit between your vag and bum. This can definitely help things get out and help reduce the pain. Finally you can try gently inserting a finger into your bum. You can wear gloves or put a condom over your finger if you like. Lube is good too. With the finger you can either try to help ease the poo out or if it’s a large solid lump try to break some small pieces off of it. If these aren’t working definitely get some laxatives and suppositories and try again later. If you think putting your own finger up your bum is gross I can assure that it’s much more dignified than an unknown doctor needing to do it in the emergency department!

I use laxido, when it gets bad it might take a couple of days of 2 sachets a day to get it going. If it is just slightly bunged then 1 sachet is fine. It takes hours to go through the system, has never given me the runs.

It tastes foul, it has a weird texture that thickens the liquid but is easy enough to choke down.

Much nicer than sticking a spoon or shower hose up your bum

I am so very pleased you managed your difficult birth OP, had to read full thread as was terribly over invested. Thank you to the genius that came up with the term "shituation" . It shall forever be used in this household 😂

This is the first thread in a while I’ve read top to bottom (sorry) but was well worth it.

Well done OP I hope you are feeling better!

So glad Donald has exited your rectum.
Now you need to stop in happening again.
Drink plenty of water all day. Take dried fruit until you work out what your 'daily dose' is. I find five dried apricots or one dried fig is enough to get me going on a normal diet. But it's all very personal. I'm terribly sensitive to rice. Other obviously blockers are eggs and bananas. When you eat these, add extra dried fruit/water/dark chocolate.
Coffee is great for getting things going. I'm too boring to ever have considered a joint for breakfast.
Eat more veg - veg fibre is good for your body in every way. Work out a way to add it to breakfast as well as lunch and supper.

I'm speaking from 'sharing is caring' rather than as medical expert!

I'm genuinely glad that you've been able to pass it, finally! I bet the relief is amazing OP

And I've picked up some helpful poo hints along the way!

Congrats OP! So happy for you
This may be my most favourite thread ever. I love MN

Oh I'm too late to the party but swear by a bowl of cornflakes, hot tea and then a smoke (I don't smoke anymore but that combo was guaranteed to make me go so I've resorted to it once or twice when I've also found something squatting in my arse).

That fear is real though when you're on the toilet and realise it's stuck in the canal and you don't know whether to suck it back up and try again later or rupture something trying to get it out.

Fresh pine apple is good too

@SkintAsASkintThing

known as a McPoo when it finally works.

^*My favourite MN comment, I think, ever.

You are my people!*^

I'll have to remember that one, I've suffered from constipation on and off for years. It would be a more pleasant cure than most of the others suggested.

I'm glad it's been cleared now, OP. Severe constipation is the pits.

Another late to the party but..

I did have an experience due to painkillers and chronic health, where I was sat on the loo, it wasn't coming out, however nothing on this earth could persuade my muscles from trying to eject it.

It was pure agony, it was going nowhere without either my head popping off or my arse ripping... there were tears and screams... 111 was called (no they did not send an ambulance).

In the end the nurse I spoke to told me that whilst they didn't advise it now they USED to advise manual evacuation with lubed fingers ... but she couldn't possibly.. possibly recommend....

I have never located lube so fast in my life... gross, but it did the job and I passed something resembling a double decker bus in size, shape and weight..

So I know your pain OP and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Woohoo, we have splashdown

Massage your abdomen in a clockwise direction, sometimes works for me.

@Shookethtothecore, gave me the biggest laugh in years.
"Sit with your ankles higher than your knees"🤔
Are you a circus performer Shooketh?🤣
I don't think what you suggested is actually physically possible!
Glad to hear you've been relieved of your burden OP.

This is truly unbelievable
A shit?