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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ridiculously hurt

103 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:01

Hello. I’m married , mostly happy and contented . I have a close friend who i talk to every single day either by message on WhatsApp or in person . Now he has a girlfriend with whom he is getting close . It was a relaxed affair until now . The relationship has developed . He has suddenly stopped the regular contact and chatting . I feel hurt. Not jealous but hurt .i feel like I was a fill in friend until now where he has found someone to fill his days and nights and chat with and I feel very rejected . He is not ignoring me or that but certainly doesn’t bother too much with me as my role is now defunct , almost . AIBU to feel like this... hurt and and dumped as a friend ?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 24/03/2019 23:03

You probably weren't a friend to him though. Just a fill in girlfriend.

Singlenotsingle · 24/03/2019 23:05

How do you think his gf would feel if he was talking, chatting and spending time with you instead of her?

MitziK · 24/03/2019 23:05

Girlfriend probably freaked out that he was having an emotional affair with you.

Not your fault. But that's what apparently talking to somebody of the opposite sex is in some people's eyes - never friendship.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:05

Why do you say that? !

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:06

Totally innocent friendship

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:07

Nothing dodgy whatsoever . Just feel dumped as a friend and terribly hurt . No emotional affair . Just a friend and a true one I thought

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:08

I work with him

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maccaroni · 24/03/2019 23:08

How does your DP feel about this friendship?

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/03/2019 23:11

I don't think if you're totally honest that it was just 'innocent friendship' otherwise you wouldn't be 'ridiculously hurt'.

That's way too strong a feeling for a mate who has reduced contact due to being in the throes of a new relationship.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:14

I know it sounds pathetic. It had become a habit . My husband likes him very much and enjoys me reading out the odd text and showing him the videos he would send so nothing hidden .

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Ragwort · 24/03/2019 23:15

Surely you would be happy for a good friend to meet a romantic partner? The fact that are ‘terribly hurt’ now that he isn’t in constant touch with you shows that you considered him very ‘special’ and rather than just a friend. Hmm

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:16

I guess we had daily contact aswell as work contact and it was an expectation to get a message or whatever .i am on my own a lot on the evenings . Now it has essentially ended when he is in her company .

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Keener · 24/03/2019 23:16

Well, there are people (of both sexes) who drop their friends the second they’re in a relationship. Unfortunately, your friend is one of them.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:18

I am happy for him . I am kind of sad that our habits have changed maybe .

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:19

Thais a shit feeling which is why I’m hurt

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:20

Girlfriend doesn’t know of our friendship

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ajandjjmum · 24/03/2019 23:23

Potentially a little odd if his GF doesn't know of your friendship.

I suppose a lot of it comes down to perception - how often were you texting? A couple of times each evening, or a couple of dozen?

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:26

Well she knows I exist as a friend but I’ve nebrr met her as she lives here hours away and they have been very casual until now I think . We work together and would text Most evenings over and back dozens of times

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/03/2019 23:26

Why doesn't the girlfriend know about the relationship? If you're such a good friend who he messages every night, surely he'd tell her about you.

Maybe she does and she thought it was an affair (can't say I'd blame her).

Why are you messaging him every night? It seems excessive.

Why are you so upset about a friend not messaging you at night. Surely you still see him at work.

Maybe he's just spending time with her, it would be rude for him to spend the evening messaging you whilst he's with her.

It's not his fault you're on your own all night, you need to find something else.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/03/2019 23:27

X post about her knowing.

Sn0tnose · 24/03/2019 23:28

I think that either he knows the girlfriend wouldn't like the contact between you (which suggests that you were fulfilling some sort of emotional need for him, even if it was entirely innocent your end) or he is simply spending all of his time contacting her and is simply a rubbish friend.

Yanbu to be hurt that he's dropped you but maintaining that level of contact long term probably wasn't sustainable.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:31

I cannot day why she doesn’t know . I’m on
My own a lot but even when out and about we message . Yes it would be rude to text me when with his girlfriend and he doesn’t do that so much anymore .it is him who begins the conversations every single time. Just a habit . Any advice to help me to feel less hurt or how to deal with it ?

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MitziK · 24/03/2019 23:32

Why do I say it? Because I've read enough MN threads to see that many people regard two people of the opposite sex talking as an emotional affair - and I've lost a few male friends to precisely that logic; their girlfriends/wives/partners have gone absolutely ballistic, accused them of all sorts and their choice has been talk to me or stay married.

Never felt remotely interested in the mates concerned (and I think the feeling has always been mutual), but it's apparently a shagathon waiting to happen if a female and male get along in the eyes of many.

The fact that, for a couple of them, I've been the one person who told them not to be so fucking stupid and talk to their wives/partners because they've been thinking of leaving is neither here nor there - the women concerned saw speaking to me as the betrayal.

It's a shame, because they were good mates. But when it comes down to it, nobody in their right mind is going to choose chatting to a mate over the person they are in a relationship with. Even if the possessiveness/control doesn't bode well for their future.

timeisnotaline · 24/03/2019 23:33

This is quite normal behaviour for girlfriends , to take the emotional affair side story out. Lots of people get into a new relationship and forget about their friends in the honeymoon stage. If it’s this you smile understandingly , be supportive and wait for them to emerge from the haze. My best friend did this to me once and I did it to her once too without realising.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 24/03/2019 23:34

Surely you don't expect him to be messaging you all evening whilst he's with his girlfriend?