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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ridiculously hurt

103 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:01

Hello. I’m married , mostly happy and contented . I have a close friend who i talk to every single day either by message on WhatsApp or in person . Now he has a girlfriend with whom he is getting close . It was a relaxed affair until now . The relationship has developed . He has suddenly stopped the regular contact and chatting . I feel hurt. Not jealous but hurt .i feel like I was a fill in friend until now where he has found someone to fill his days and nights and chat with and I feel very rejected . He is not ignoring me or that but certainly doesn’t bother too much with me as my role is now defunct , almost . AIBU to feel like this... hurt and and dumped as a friend ?

OP posts:
americandream · 24/03/2019 23:34

@gingerbeerbeast

Sounds like you were waaaaay more emotionally involved in this friendship than him.

And waaaaaay more emotionally involved than a married woman should be!

I have a few male friends, but none of them are my best friend, or a 'soulmate,' they are platonic, male friends.

This man is clearly something more to you.

Why were you - a married woman - texting another man 'dozens of times a night..?' Confused

Friendships between men and women always change when one of them starts a new relationship. Probably best for you if you let this all fizzle out, and start working on the issues in your marriage. This intense friendship with this man shows you clearly have issues in your marriage. What on earth does your husband think of this intense friendship with this man (that you had.) ?

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:35

Thanis. I don’t think she is controlling. In fact she is submissive and he calls the shots so really don’t think it’s her .

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user9000 · 24/03/2019 23:36

He has a girlfriend now to occupy him, he doesn't need you any more.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/03/2019 23:38

Sounds as if you had a lot more invested in this friendship than he did. At any rate, I have a feeling that the new gf has told him to cut ties.

You say you and he work together. How is he at work? Is he avoiding you?

user9000 · 24/03/2019 23:38

Sorry if that was harsh!

Could happen with a female friend as well!

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:39

No I don’t expect him to message me when with his girlfriend! He sees her only once a week or so . He is my friend, like any of my female friends ... nothing more, nothing less. I just feel dumped as i would with a female close friend .

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AcrossthePond55 · 24/03/2019 23:41

was she is submissive and he calls the shots so really don’t think it’s her

And that's according to him? First off, if it's true that he 'calls the shots' I wouldn't want him for a friend anyway. No one should 'call the shots' in any relationship. Secondly, I assume that's what he's told you. IME that what most men who are 'under the thumb' say.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:41

I hate to think that he has dumped me because he doesn’t need me anymore ! We are friends . Just that. At work, we spend all day together .. same as always. We break off for lunch or coffee or just general chit chat from the rest of the office. We are kind of stuck at the hip

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:42

No. He really is the dominant one. She is crazy for him and the relationship is only getting serious now after months of him doing his own thing essentially . A brave lady!

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/03/2019 23:45

I've been friends with my closest friend for 30 years and even we dont speak every day. Doesnt mean we dont care about each other, we just have our own lives to worry about.

Coincidently, I was on the other side of this and had a friend who demanded my time. It was exhausting. We arent friends now.

user9000 · 24/03/2019 23:46

So he probably spends his evenings messaging with her and has her for his emotional needs.

Again, could happen with any friend, male or female. When the get married, have kids, etc .

Yes it sucks!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/03/2019 23:47

gingerbeerbeast, I don't think you'll get very considered views on this as generally, posters on MN are proprietorial over people in their lives. I can feel the defensiveness from some on this thread.

I think this man was just happy to spend time with you but it didn't mean as much to him as it does/did to you. That is something for you to work on yourself about and protect yourself from this 'pick them up and drop them' behaviour. You are not an option, you are a friend and, if he doesn't see you that way then he can't pick you up again if/when this new relationship goes kaput.

Mirror his behaviour and don't be drawn into this again because that is what he does, when he wants to do something else, you don't see him for dust. That's not friendship, it's being a user. Don't be used.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/03/2019 23:50

The trouble is this friendship was always unequal. You and he both enjoyed the level of constant intimate contact and engagement, but he was (more or less) single and you in a marriage.

So he was helping you manage needs unmet in your marriage, whilst you were a great sounding board until a partner came along. So a partner came along for him but your needs remain the same.

Every married person needs friends of course - but the level of intensity between you and this bloke suggests that maybe there’s an issue? Maybe not.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:52

Great and interesting thoughts and opinions to consider for sure , thanks for the responses so far

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ajandjjmum · 24/03/2019 23:55

Personally I think texting anyone 'dozens of times' each night is pretty unhealthy. If you have so much to say to each other, say it face to face. If you need to be face to face with someone other than your DH so much, seems like there might be issues within your marriage.

Sorry - just how it seems to me.

nanananightfevernightfeeever · 24/03/2019 23:59

gingerbeerbeast Sun 24-Mar-19 23:16:47
I guess we had daily contact aswell as work contact and it was an expectation to get a message or whatever .i am on my own a lot on the evenings . Now it has essentially ended when he is in her company

Well of course he's ended the daily texts - he's met someone and obviously more occupied now - sorry OP but you really don't sound as if this a platonic on you're account - bizarre.

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2019 23:59

He was always going to message you less once his relationship became more serious. Because he's now texting his GF whereas in the past he was texting you. It doesn't mean he isn't your friend anymore, it's just that he has less time to spend texting you.

Maybe this would be a good time to start putting more time into developing other friendships? It does seem to me that you're somewhat over invested in this friendship in any case, and I'm not saying this because of it being with a man.

Ragwort · 25/03/2019 00:02

I agree with aja, it sounds very needy & immature to be texting ‘dozens of times a night’ - to anyone? Sort of thing teenagers do surely. Hmm. Haven’t you got hobbies, interests, things to do in the evening?

Slinkymalinky1 · 25/03/2019 00:03

Your feelings on this speak volumes.
My friend/colleague, we are very close, both female, I love her as a friend. We had daily chats on whatsapp, constant banter throughout the day.
She's recently met the possible 'one' of course she's not messaging me as much, she's otherwise engaged and that's fine, I'm happy for her. I certainly don't feel 'hurt' it's just the way it goes.
I think you're more than in to him than you're letting on Wink

Slinkymalinky1 · 25/03/2019 00:07

And if it all falls apart (hopefully not) I'll be there. I'm not a teenager, I'm a married woman in the 40s, it's not needy to have banter over whatsapp 🤷‍♀️

Fairenuff · 25/03/2019 00:10

We work together and would text Most evenings over and back dozens of times

He is my friend, like any of my female friends ... nothing more, nothing less

So do you text your female friends 'dozens of times' every evening?

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 00:10

I am at home with my children on my own every evening

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nanananightfevernightfeeever · 25/03/2019 00:10

*LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 24-Mar-19 23:47:02
gingerbeerbeast, I don't think you'll get very considered views on this as generally, posters on MN are proprietorial over people in their lives. I can feel the defensiveness from some on this thread.&

Sorry, missed this.

What absolute rubbish - Normally you come across as quite a reasoned poster but can not understand how you could come to the conclusion that most of us questioning the OP are 'proprietorial over people'??? Absolute rubbish - she's coming across as unhinged and stalkerish - he's in a new relationship so of course he's not going to be texting her so much.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 00:12

Yes . Different groups would be actove WhatsApp each evening

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Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 00:13

Unhinged and stalkerish ....seriously 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

OP posts: