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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ridiculously hurt

103 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:01

Hello. I’m married , mostly happy and contented . I have a close friend who i talk to every single day either by message on WhatsApp or in person . Now he has a girlfriend with whom he is getting close . It was a relaxed affair until now . The relationship has developed . He has suddenly stopped the regular contact and chatting . I feel hurt. Not jealous but hurt .i feel like I was a fill in friend until now where he has found someone to fill his days and nights and chat with and I feel very rejected . He is not ignoring me or that but certainly doesn’t bother too much with me as my role is now defunct , almost . AIBU to feel like this... hurt and and dumped as a friend ?

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 25/03/2019 09:34

The relationship has developed . He has suddenly stopped the regular contact and chatting.

Oh come on, this is teenage stuff! We've all done it and we've all been on the receiving end of it.

Perhaps he feels a bit guilty that he's messaging another woman now he's in a relationship. I don't think it's "personal".

I'm sorry to be harsh but yes YABU and, to be honest, I think you need to grow up a bit.

Keener · 25/03/2019 10:01

I think this evening texting is just a habit for you, and you're suffering the way you would if you gave up coffee, or smoking -- it feels as if it's left a hole. I get that you are home alone with your children (where is your husband in the evenings?) but there are things you can do in the house or garden without being glued to WhatsApp.

And you are the only one on Mn who can tell whether you were just a 'fill-in' friend until he got serious with his girlfriend, or whether he's suddenly besotted and texting her dozens of times every evening, or whether he's just decided (perfectly reasonably) that there are more interesting things to be doing in the evenings than messaging someone he already sees all day at work? I mean, even if he only sees his girlfriend once a week, he's not stuck in the house with small children for the other six nights, is he?

HennyPennyHorror · 25/03/2019 10:01

When I met DH he had a friend who was female. She was in a long distance relationship and had been for about 6 years.

I felt strongly that the "relationship" she was in was a sham really...just an excuse for not pushing herself forward in life.

Either way it was obvious her feelings for my now DH ran deeper than he realised.

I think yours do too.

Myheartbelongsto · 25/03/2019 10:03

He's just busy shagging and being loved up.

That's it.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 10:04

Thanks for your replies. My husband is away. Yes I am lonely. Kids in bed every night from nine . I got into this habit and quite enjoyed the banter with my friends of which he is one . There really is nothing sinister here , just a little sad that he has moved on as a friend and I feel somewhat disappointed that he just cut down contact so swiftly . I am happy for him of course. He has met someone after a long period of being single . So I must let go and wish him well which I do. The only problem is that he has a habit, now that I think clearly about it, of increasing contact when he has nothing better to do and secondly when I don’t respond to him personally or by text for a period of hours or days , which I have done in the past when busy or unavailable . I guess I need to strengthen up a little and tighten up my boundaries

OP posts:
Keener · 25/03/2019 10:13

OK, well stop letting yourself be his 'when I've got nothing else on' default person if this relationship ends and he's bored in the evenings again. You're worth more than that. And find something enjoyable to do at night when you're alone.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 10:13

He has been in this relationship for months and months . It’s not new. The sudden reduction in contact is

OP posts:
americandream · 25/03/2019 10:14

@Ragwort

I agree with aja, it sounds very needy & immature to be texting ‘dozens of times a night’ - to anyone? Sort of thing teenagers do surely. hmm. Haven’t you got hobbies, interests, things to do in the evening?

Well she has got her children and HUSBAND! Confused

@Lyingwitchinthewardrobe

gingerbeerbeast, I don't think you'll get very considered views on this as generally, posters on MN are proprietorial over people in their lives. I can feel the defensiveness from some on this thread.

Agree with nanananightfevernightfeeever from 00.10 hours. This is a ridiculous thing to say.

@gingerbeerbeast

I don't think you are unhinged or a stalker OP, but you do sound needy, and clingy, and like something is missing from your life. Why do YOU think you are so needy with this man?

@nanananightfevernightfeeever

Sorry OP but yes - you're a married woman and you really shouldn't be feeling 'hurt' that some guy isn't texting you daily - he's found someone, in a relationship - of course he's going to be more pre-occupied with her.

Yep this. ^ No man is going to be wanting to continue such an extreme amount of contact with a female friend, when he is in a new relationship with a new woman. And his new partner ain't gonna be happy with it either. And it's nothing to do with her being needy or possessive or 'proprietorial;' NO-ONE - of either sex - is going to tolerate their partner texting someone else dozens of times a night, and ringing them, and demanding their time and attention. Anyone who says they would be OK with this is either deluding themselves - or lying.

KittyWindbag · 25/03/2019 10:21

I think @sconesandtea has said it well. If he’s truly your friend you should be happy for him that he’s found a girlfriend who he’s clearly interested in enough that this relationship is occupying a lot of his time. You are lucky enough to have your husband, after all.

It is natural for partners to come first and if you feel jealous of his newfound partner ask yourself why.

Keener · 25/03/2019 10:24

Well, then, ginger, if the relationship isn't new, maybe he just decided that there are better things to do than sit about at night messaging someone he already sees all day? I mean, I can sort of see why it fills a gap for you, if you are at home alone every night with young children in bed so you can't go out -- but unless you haven't mentioned that he is also RP with small children, there's nothing to stop him having a raft of all-consuming hobbies and dancing on tables every night, even if he's not seeing his girlfriend...?

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 10:35

No he has no children . He has loads of hobbies but still would have been in constant contact . I didn’t realise I was being needy irclingy. I certainly did not instigate texts. There was a pattern. He would start texting and I would respond whenever and so on and on . A habit that I enjoyed and that is the truth . All above board but continued through months of his relationship. It is the sudden stopping of the habit that hurt me . Something I got used to and enjoyed . I realise now that I was too dependant on that contact for entertainment and enjoyment . I think I was filling in a gap for him and he filled in a gap for me , that’s clear now I think

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 25/03/2019 11:06

To me he sounds a user as well,I'd not be texting him back at all really from now on even if he splits up with her.
I'd had a male friend and he was always texting a few times per week but never wanted to do anything face to face.He was always waiting for his ex to suggest things and once made an arrangement with me but then said I'm going out with her instead!.
I wasn't interested in him like that, but I stopped the texting and blocked him.I couldn't be doing with it. Anyway I think you and anybody would be better off doing things in RL than texting emailing etc.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 11:37

This thread has really made me see that it is important to do something constructive with
My evenings rather than get into this rut I have found myself in. Yesithink heis a usertoo.. this relationship isn’t new and for months and months the contact remained the same even when they were out together etc. Because I allowed myself to be dropped and picked up as a friend on the past , I guess he quite rightly felt that he could get away with all this contact on his own terms .i knowingly allowed this as my own needs were filled eg company etc but I think now that he was just someone who was bored and lonelylike me . I met him this morning in the office and happily asked after his weekend but he was well awkward.. normally he would be texting all weekend .so I am just going to ignore the messages in the evenings or mute him and restart a few home interests like baking and prrparing the garden for summer and maybe an online course.

OP posts:
Keener · 25/03/2019 11:41

Good for you, OP. I think that's a thoroughly positive thing to come out of this, and a good resolution to make -- also a good time of year to do it, with the lengthening evening light.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 11:46

Thanks. I feel very upbeat today . It’s sunny where I am and you have all helped me to understand why I felt so hurt and why it was my own fault all along . It will be hard to ignore him as he seems to dislike when I am not available to him .

OP posts:
Keener · 25/03/2019 11:51

Well, that should tell you everything you need to know about him -- you're not JK Rowling's Room of Requirement, only springing into being when someone needs it, and magically supplied with everything needed by the person!

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 12:05

Yes but I have been to my Shame! Always there for the chatting and the fun and the Problem
Solving especially when his relationships go awry.i feel so light and airy and happy today, Like a haze has been cleared .thanks. I even find myself being dismissive and apathetic towards him this morning whereas we are Normally fully engaged in work chats and laughs . He will not like to be ignored as such . I think he likes the companionship and laughs at work also but the way I feel right now is like a fool so I won’t be investing anymore time into a friendship that is clearly unbalanced . I have been the idiot here and it has taken me years to see it !

OP posts:
Ragwort · 25/03/2019 12:10

Lovely to read your positive comments OP Smile.

Boysey45 · 25/03/2019 12:50

I think you have better things to do OP than pander to this man and his ego. Good for you for seeing sense.
If he says anything, just saying you are very busy which is totally true.

Tenpercentgenius · 25/03/2019 13:12

OP my best female friend used to drop me and all her other friends as soon as she started a new relationship!

In a few weeks time I think you'll be fully over this though. I can see why you're upset, but it was a strange friendship to get into, and I can see why he's stopped contact now.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 13:43

Thanks! Yes it has been going on for years. All the contact etc. I felt hurt but I know it’s the right thing to do to not play any more . As I said earlier, the biggest hurdle will be the overtexting and increased contact once he realises that I am not at the receiving end of the messaging just when it will suit him and replying . When I turn off my phone for any length of time, especially over a weekend or a break away, I will be bombarded . As soon as I respond, we are back to the old normal of him texting when he has no better option or when he is bored with his company or activity or girlfriend . It has been a strange one that’s for sure .

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 13:44

I see now that I was feeding his ego

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 13:44

And yes I have much better things to do !

OP posts:
PinkGlitter123 · 25/03/2019 13:57

Been in an almost identical situation and felt exactly the same as you. We were both going through hard times. As soon as he met a girlfriend the contact went from every day to every other day to once a fortnight or more. I did feel used and realised that I was a temporary stopgap until a new girlfriend came along. It did hurt a lot and still does. Some people are users and that's hard to accept.
I am sorry this happened to you.

Original poster
gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 14:15

Thanks. That’s exactly what I felt . Now I see through it all, I am determined to make my own plans and stop living my life through the phone from
Nine o clock every night!!!! Feel like such an idiot. I know that was used but also enjoyed the exchange as friends. I must have been a stop gap! His loss!! I am a very good friend to many . Funny enough, I stayed at my desk for lunch today and he was hanging around like a fly talking rubbish . I was very blaseand probably boredlooking. He looked a little taken aback and puzzled .Comments about me being a bit different this morning and.. you seem jubilant and happy about something etc ....this has happened before where , if I concentrated on other areas of life,he would not be happy and then seek attention and communication

OP posts: