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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be ridiculously hurt

103 replies

gingerbeerbeast · 24/03/2019 23:01

Hello. I’m married , mostly happy and contented . I have a close friend who i talk to every single day either by message on WhatsApp or in person . Now he has a girlfriend with whom he is getting close . It was a relaxed affair until now . The relationship has developed . He has suddenly stopped the regular contact and chatting . I feel hurt. Not jealous but hurt .i feel like I was a fill in friend until now where he has found someone to fill his days and nights and chat with and I feel very rejected . He is not ignoring me or that but certainly doesn’t bother too much with me as my role is now defunct , almost . AIBU to feel like this... hurt and and dumped as a friend ?

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 25/03/2019 00:15

So you've still got lots of other groups whatsapping in the evening. I think you need to just let him go and focus on your other friends. It's natural that his attention is elsewhere right now.

Sparklesocks · 25/03/2019 00:16

I think it’s quite normal for people to get caught up with new partners in the honeymoon period and occasionally friends get left on the sidelines for a bit. It might be that when he had a free moment he messaged you, but now he’s speaking to her instead. It’s like you’re in a bit of a love bubble. It’ll settle down most likely.

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 00:16

Gosh I only started this thread to ask if it was unreasonable to feel hurt to be dumped by my friend for his girlfriend! And if so, looking for advice

OP posts:

nanananightfevernightfeeever · 25/03/2019 00:16

The relationship has developed . He has suddenly stopped the regular contact and chatting . I feel hurt. Not jealous but hurt

Sorry OP but yes - you're a married woman and you really shouldn't be feeling 'hurt' that some guy isn't texting you daily - he's found someone, in a relationship - of course he's going to be more pre-occupied with her.

nanananightfevernightfeeever · 25/03/2019 00:20

gingerbeerbeast Mon 25-Mar-19 00:16:42
Gosh I only started this thread to ask if it was unreasonable to feel hurt to be dumped by my friend for his girlfriend! And if so, looking for advice

Absolutely unreasonable - seriously? You can't envisage how someone spends more time with a potential partner rather than you?? Bizarre! And I think you need to be honest with yourself in that you obviously have feelings more than at friend towards him - I'd be majorly peed off if my partner didnt spend more time with me than a 'mate'

SilverySurfer · 25/03/2019 00:30

You sound somewhat over-invested in this friendship. It's probably because I'm old and most of my life was pre mobile phones etc but I just don't understand the exchanging of dozens of messages every evening when you work with him all day. It's surely obvious that now he has a girlfriend, he is probably exchanging messages with her instead? Presumably you can still be friends at work?

Do you spend as much time on messaging your female friends every evening? If so I'm surprised you have time for anything else.

No. He really is the dominant one. She is crazy for him and the relationship is only getting serious now after months of him doing his own thing essentially . A brave lady!

This speaks volumes.

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 07:47

What speaks volumes? I don’t understand ?

OP posts:

Original poster

gingerbeerbeast · 25/03/2019 07:49

Yes I am on my own at home every evening and I’ll have lots of different groups of friends that I’m in groups with .i really just felt kind of friend dumped that is all.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 25/03/2019 07:58

Even though the friendship was innocent it was too intense. Most ormal adult friendship when you are married/attached do not consist of contact every day.

He has now find a girlfriend who he is giving most of his attention to as he should and you've become a 'normal' friend with less contact. That's how it goes. The fact you are hurt shows you were relying a lot on this contact which deos mean that although innocent was a bit more than a friendship.

ewenice · 25/03/2019 08:20

It all sounds exhausting. i am on my own most evenings but the thought of dozens of messages from a friend sounds over the top. I message DH (works overseas) and we face time, maybe the odd message/text from the children or a friend. But dozens of messages needing a response from someone I've been with all day makes me feel tired. Do you message your husband as often?

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2019 08:21

OP the problem is he seems to fill a gap for you, why are you on your own every evening that you need his company over texts to fill. Where is your husband

Boysey45 · 25/03/2019 08:24

All you can do is move on, loads of people dump their friends as soon as they get in a relationship.Its not nice for the friend but it happens.
I'd just be polite at work and concentrate on other things, the feelings of hurt will pass.

Hyrana · 25/03/2019 08:42

You are a friend, he now has a girlfriend and his thoughts are with her not you. You can get all upset about it or wish him the best and be friends with both of them but don't expect texts from him, he will be texting his girlfriend.
Stay friendly with both but do not expect the level of contact you had before.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 25/03/2019 08:48

@gingerbeerbeast I understand how you feel as I feel similar. In my case it's a close female friend and we most definitely had no designs on each other!! We've been really good friends for years, didn't text or speak every day but would meet up most weekends for coffee, go out some nights, generally quite close. I knew that she was quite insecure about relationships and if I was seeing someone, made sure I included her and also still saw her alone.

I haven't seen her for six months because she has met someone. Fair enough. He lives some way away so alternately they spend weekends here or there. And that seems to be it. I've suggested meeting up a few times, but it's always either that he is here or she is there. I have given up.

I do understand that this is her first relationship in 10 years. I appreciate that she's happy and I'm glad about that. I have other friends and I'm not pining for her - just a little hurt and surprised.

I don't think that you feeling hurt is unreasonable at all.

Ragwort · 25/03/2019 09:00

You might be at home ‘on your own’ with DC in the evenings but so are thousands of parents, I find it odd that you evenings are just spent texting & whatsapping people . Do you really not have anything else to do?
You say you are on your own but you also say your DH liked hearing the messages & seeing the videos your friend sent you? .

GPatz · 25/03/2019 09:01

I imagine it does hurt a bit when a friend cools off - be it a male or female friend. I don't think your question suggest you thought the relationship was anything more than platonic or that you were both emotionally invested. I certainly wouldn't out you in the category of unhinged or stalkerish!

Walkaround · 25/03/2019 09:04

But if he is serious about his girlfriend and only gets to see her once a week, she will be expecting him to send her messages for the rest of the week, not you! Sorry, but it would be a bit weird if he carried on being joined at the hip to you all day, then sending you messages all night and only seeing his girlfriend once a week. Do you spend all night messaging all your friends individually? Tbh, it sounds like the behaviour of a lonely person. He's less lonely now and that is good. You still sound a bit lonely of an evening.

GPatz · 25/03/2019 09:04

I guess some people could say that they would find it weird that people spend their evenings on Mumsnet Ragwort instead of finding other things to do.

ScatteredMama82 · 25/03/2019 09:06

Hm. I'm not sure how I'd feel if my DH spent all day in work with someone then spent their evening swapping dozens of texts with them. I wouldn't be very happy if spent his evenings sending dozens of texts to anyone, I'd rather he was present with me. Perhaps the new gf has expressed an (understandable) frustration about him spending all his time on his phone?

malificent7 · 25/03/2019 09:09

In the nicest possible way op you need to back off now he has a gf. Even with a same sex friend i give them space if they meet someone new.
Yabu and very needy.

SconesandTea · 25/03/2019 09:09

You have to focus first and foremost on how happy you feel for your friend that he has found a relationship. Its natural to miss someone but if you find you can't shake it ask yourself whether there was an element of neediness on both sides of the friendship. Are there aspects of your life that you need to improve? Finally give it time- plans and life changes and you may find you continue to be part of their new life as a couple.

UbbesPonytail · 25/03/2019 09:15

OP, one of my best friends is male. We were at school together, worked together, he was one of DH's groomsmen and his then girlfriend (who is also one of my best friends) was a bridesmaid. They very suddenly broke up and within three months he’d moved away to live with his now girlfriend who he’s been with for three years and I’ve never met. He comes to visit, we text occassionally. It’s not because his girlfriend is suspicious or jealous, it’s just that his life changed overnight. I miss him terribly but it’s just what happens. He’s still my friend. He’d still be there if I needed him. But I’ve never felt hurt; both him and his ex are so much happier now. He’s heading for the life he always wanted and it’s different to the life we all had five years ago.

Try not to take it personally. You’ve not been replaced - he’s just widened his life.

Springwalk · 25/03/2019 09:16

Your friend may feel a very close friendship with you will compromise his new relationship, and he wouldn’t be wrong, it does sound very very intense. I am not sure many gf would be overjoyed to be in this position with another woman constantly in contact with her bf, he is right to take a step back.

A true friend would be happy for him op, not mourning their secondary status. Embrace the changes if you want the friendship to last.

sagradafamiliar · 25/03/2019 09:30

You weren't friends, you were 'someone he was texting'. Now he doesn't have the time to fill. Don't delude yourself that you didn't realise- your feelings belie you.

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2019 09:31

Why are you on your own every evening?

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