friend told her child my secret

[commentson]

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

Whilst that's bad of her, perhaps that's a cue to have a family conversation, secrets aren't good. Dd2 knows all about dd1's problems - if anything happens to us she will be her sisters next of kin after all.

Fucking hell there are some dickheads on this thread. OP, your friend is not your friend.

And for those who find this whole situation just too “thinky”, try this:

12 year old has MH issue and is self harming, secretly. OP discusses with friend who also had contact with someone who self harmed.

Friend tells her child.

Child tells OPs other child with SEN, who then obsesses about it and goes on and on asking about if his sister is going to hurt herself, what she uses, why she does it, and tells all and sundry.

And that’s just one example from the scant details here. OP you’ve done nothing wrong and that mate wants a bloody good telling. And then dropping.

And fwiw we had this in our family. Niece developed anorexia. Her older (aspergers) brother worried himself sick about it and COULD NOT stop talking about it/offering food/watching her like a hawk and basically sending her into freefall.

If I wanted something kept secret then i wouldn’t tell people.
If it was a family matter about the health and well-being of a family member then I would tell the family and be more open in an Ge appropriate way before I told someone outside the family.

Of course you did nothing wrong by telling someone. The idea that you should be dealing with this sort of thing alone is daft. Just unfortunate you chose the wrong person. My friends and I always discuss our parenting difficulties, however there is one of them I have learned not to trust so much sadly, due to realising that she will tell all and sundry.

I can understand why you don’t want your younger child with SN knowing yet. Obviously they would find out at some point though really but with some issues you do need to tread carefully.

But for example, if the older sister is hurting themselves or has an eating disorder, a child with ASD might obsess over that, it might cause huge anxiety worrying they will seriously injure themselves and catastrophising. It wouldn’t matter how often they were reassured or told it wasn’t their issue to cope with. Extra anxiety, trouble sleeping etc when life is probably difficult enough. And it could have a worse effect on the DD too - for example the younger child constantly checking on them etc, no matter how you try and make them stop it would still cause stress all round. (Just an example of the MH issue/SN involved obviously.)

I am absolutely in favour of openness and lack of stigma about mental health and neurodiversity (I was in a psychiatric unit as a teen for self harm after revealing childhood abuse, as an adult I was diagnosed with ASD and my kids are autistic too, I don’t hide any of it from friends) but there are some situations you need to tread carefully in and I totally understand why this is one.

I don't think you've done anything wrong by confiding in a friend. It's normal to share troubles with a trusted confident (that's what close friends are for) and she's absolutely the one who is at fault here, however, the damage is now done and it blaming anyone won't help.

Now you need to come up with a way to talk openly about this with your children. Perhaps your son will turn out to be more understanding and capable of comprehension that you've given him credit for. A culture of keeping secrets is never healthy because they always come out at some point, and even if you didn't want to outright tell him, you should have found a way to discuss it, even if not telling the full unvarnished truth.

Now it's out you need to create a safe space to speak openly about it.

Good luck.

Oh come on, all this about there shouldn't be a stigma about MH issues etc is just bull in this scenario. It's great that MH issues are being openly talked about more, but you can only make that choice about yourself and to an extent, your children. You don't get to make that decision for someone else.

And if the OP has been struggling in silence for the past 5 years, it's not surprising that she wanted to talk to someone about it.

commentson Let me first confess I have only read as far as your explanation of "friend" telling her DD who revealed what you wanted to be kept in confidence to your DS.

I am very upset for you, and so very sorry to hear of the distress this must cause all round. Your friend is not your friend. However open her family are, she knew you did not want the information known in your family, let alone hers, she should respect that.

Now that it is in the open I would try and use a family opportunity to discuss that mental health is no different to physical health, it affects anybody at any time. Your DD may need some special extra support. You will know best, as you know her and all the circumstances. Ask her counsellor if you need some help at this time.

It is terrible when a friend lets us down. Terrible and lonely. I do not make excuses for her. Fwiw I had a recent experience when I suddenly realised that the person I had regarded as my closest friend had never supported me over one of the worst things that happened to me. I suddenly had to realise she was more interested in herself. It was complete strangers who supported me! So I really do sympathise about how you must feel about your friend. I am sorry to say she cannot be a true trustworthy supportive friend any more. Not after telling her son about her best friend's most confidential and private family matter that concerned someone else! She really is not to be trusted. Be very careful about how you make excuses for her. I noticed you immediately could see from her point of view why she did this terrible thing, yet she did not see from your point of view at all why she should keep this very important confidence! Make some new friends. She cannot be trusted and does not care about you.

Your daughter will probably want to know why you were talking about her to your friend. This is very hard for you. Our children find it hard to understand that sometimes we seek support from a friend regarding them (the children). They can't see why we need support and see it as gossiping. Your daughter may feel betrayed. I will read on and catch up in the thread. I do understand how, if you believed this woman was a good friend, you might want to talk to her. We need support from friends. Worrying about our children is the most stressful part of our lives.

I simply wanted to say, at this stage, no matter how convincingly your friend apologises and makes excuses, please take this as a big lesson about her. She has shown you who she truly is. A person not to be trusted who will take her close friend's most sensitive secret, about her friend's own child, and tell it to a child - her child. She must know her son would start to talk to other children, children do. She does not care for you or your family and puts a bit of juicy info before the feelings of someone she pretends is her good friend and before the mental health of her best friend's daughter! How callous is that? Do not trust her, please!

commentson. (I'm up to date)
You are a wonderful mum! And you have a challenging job. I am so moved by how you speak of your daughter. Your dear little boy obviously doesn't understand the situation. I am sure this will bring him closer to his sister if she feels able to let him, when she is feeling less vulnerable. You have protected her so well, and done a perfect job of keeping her safe. There had to be a day when she emerged from under your protection, into a world that began to acknowledge her challenges, albeit done in a carefully staged way and not all in one go. This has been a colossal shock and both she and you need time to recover, physically and emotionally.
I made a note of some things you said that revealed a lot; Early on people were attacking you, most unjustifiably. You said; "I know I’ve messed up". No! You haven't messed up! That stupid, conceited woman who thinks she can do what she likes messed up!! You have not messed up once! Not for at least 12 years!

The next thing you said that really touched me was:
"One person. In five years of hell I’ve told ONE person. ONE."
I don't know how you managed to do that! I have not met anyone who has not talked to someone for 5 years about something so painful that they describe it as hell! You are amazing! You only talked because you believed it might help your daughter too! I was completely amazed, because I assumed you talked as I used to to my friend J, now not with us, about my terrible time at home in the days when I never told anyone else. But no! you needed advice and you went to someone who you knew had experience of what you were asking. So you were not looking for emotional support, though Heaven knows you deserve it! You were looking for advice. No doubt to enhance the lives of your children. You said;

"I needed to ask someone for advice," and
"I confided in a friend, who, through her experiences would be able to offer me some advice"
The awful thing is, through absolutely no fault of yours, as you said:
" I did and it has back fired."
The way this "friend" behaved, talking to her 10 year old on a matter in which, as you said, she
"used my 12 year old as an example. " tells me she has some very high handed ideas about herself. I think the woman is egregious in what she has done! To think that she is supposed to have some experience yet she feeds information to a 10 year old about a child who is vulnerable, and has no remorse at all concerning the acute pain and absolutely awful distress she has inflicted. She just orchestrates disaster into good people's lives. Good people who are carrying the trials of mental health issues and a child who is vulnerable and a mum who adores her children and works so hard to make sure their lives go well and their needs are met! She is a very wicked woman!

The last quotation I want to take from you is the most moving:
I’ve been trying to protect my amazing, wonderful daughter from people who do attach a stigma and shame to MH.
You truly are a wonderful mum!
AND you have done nothing wrong! If you want, then tell her, in a few straight words, this so-called friend, what a callous and cruel -b̶a̶g̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶e̶ poser she is and then never speak to her again.

As your daughter is 12, it is about the right age to gradually ease her into the world. So show this disgusting woman she has not been able to upset your family! See if you can, in time and when the initial shock is over, persuade your daughter to show the world she is proud to be seen for who she is. She has nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear. She can be a pioneer and step out showing everyone that she doesn't let people like that woman get to her.

Please try and find a self-help group for your daughter's condition and get counselling and all the help you can. Reach out to the Mental Health people in your area and find friends who understand the issues you face.

I am sure that you will get through this painful time, it will become just a blip, something you laugh about, you, your amazing wonderful daughter and her dear little (well not so little) brother, and you will emerge so much stronger. Together you will be a great little unit and Heaven help anyone who dares challenge you!