friend told her child my secret

[commentson]

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

And how is your ds now that he knows? Does your dd know that he knows?

how is he now that he knows?

My DS doesn’t understand but my DD is distraught.

To be honest, I wouldn't like the thoughts of a mother discussing the mental health issues of another child with a 10 year old. Seems strange to me.

But your ds knows now, so is he coping?

Does your DD know you were discussing her MH issues with your friends?

Distraught that this friends DD knows and has talked about it.

But if that is the case, surely you bear a great level of responsibility for talking about it with your friend?

She goes now doesn’t she!!! It’s not friends it’s friend. One person. In five years of hell I’ve told ONE person. ONE.

The thing is he is already dealing with the reality of her mental health issues and why would a label make a difference to him.
Also you said it was in a conversation that it came up, who was she in conversation with? What is the context of it happening? Did her ds overhear or what happened.

I suppose at 12, the whole town knowing my private mental health history would fucking piss me off.

I think I'd give your friend a bollocking. She's spreading gossip among 10 year olds to the detriment of the privacy and dignity of your 12 year old. Not good.

But we all need to unload and share our worries sometimes surely!

You may feel the need to unload and share worries but it's about picking the right person. If it was important for your son not to find out because he has SEN or even because your daughter didn't want people knowing then you can't speak to anyone involved or who knows your family personally, no matter how much you need to unload. Their needs are more important. I think when you have children and they have personal issues, you should either deal with them yourself or speak to a professional person such as a doctor or counsellor if you need to unload. It can be lonely and difficult but I accept they are not my issues to share.

However, your friend was completely wrong to do what she's done. You made it clear that this wasn't information to share so she shouldn't have told anyone. I know some very personal things that people have shared with me and would never tell anyone those things. However, I don't have that trust in anyone else apart from my partner.

I hope both your son and daughter are ok.

I found out today something which affects my son hugely, I have decided not to speak about it with my best friend or brother incase their children over hear about it and it gets back to my son. To me this is just a sensible precaution, yes your friend was wrong but you played a part too

What is the issue if you don't mind mentioning?

I know. I get it. And I’m sorry for you. But a secret rarely stays a secret for long. And you told your friend. And unless you specifically said she wasn’t to tell a soul, don’t think she’s to know. Or at least, she’s likely to share it with her partner, and her child might have been listening at doors or similar.

I don’t think secrets in families are a good idea. I think you might have been better to tell your DS in an appropriate way.

Are you able to get help for your DD to process her upset?

for you and your DD.
Its shitty that the one person you confided in betrayed your trust.

You'd be surprised the amount of people who tell their kids everything. I knew everything my mother was ever told in confidence, from friends, neighbours, grapevine gossip, family members. It was all just preceded with a 'don't tell anyone this but...' I think your friend is going to blame her child for passing on the info.
She should have used better judgment given your DS' SEN.

Come on. Surely a person can speak in confidence to her friend about an issue she is having with her child. And one would hope that in the main, said friend would manage to keep her mouth shut and not go gossiping to all and sundry!

I absolutely take responsibility for telling someone, I’m well aware that I’ve made a massive mistake and now have work to do to put it right, but I actually thought this person could help me. Obviously not as it’s now caused a bigger shit storm!! As far as I know, she just told her DD. But really, it never, ever crossed my mind that people would tell 10 years olds this sort of stuff!!

Did she TELL the 10 year old, or did the 10 year old overhear something?

OP you are not BU. Your friend was irresponsible at best in either telling her DD or talking about it within her earshot. I am sorry that you found out the hard way that this friend cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Some people here giving you a very hard time for using someone you trusted to offload a little.
I know how hard it is being the strong supportive one when a close one is experiencing MH difficulties. It can be very wearing.
I hope that you and your DD are getting the support you need to get through this.

I know I’ve messed up but what do I do Re: friend? Ring her, email her, never speak to her again!

I knew everything my mother was ever told in confidence, from friends, neighbours, grapevine gossip, family members. It was all just preceded with a 'don't tell anyone this but...'

My mother was like this. Luckily I never told anyone as I'm not a gossip but if I was it could have caused huge problems for lots of people. Hidden adoption, affairs, children who's dad wasn't actually their dad, secret abortions.... I couldn't believe she told me it all starting when I was about 12! I think it's having a mum like this that has turned me into a very loyal person who will take many others secrets to the grave with me.

I don’t know for definite how the kid found out but either, the friend was telling someone for the kid to hear her!!! Or she was telling the kid!

Ask her how her child heard.

She’s a crap friend, OP - of course you should have been able to get support from a friend.

Not your fault at all that she let you down - I feel very very sorry for you all xxxx