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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend told her child my secret

184 replies

commentson · 24/03/2019 15:00

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

OP posts:
bbcessex · 24/03/2019 16:40

That’s great that you got to choose, StroppyWoman

Perhaps the OP would have done the same, when the time & place as right. As it is, her friend’s actions have taken that option away from her and her family.

ourkidmolly · 24/03/2019 16:40

Gosh that's inappropriate of your friend, most normal people would understand that you're telling them something in confidence and not discuss it with their children. I feel very sorry for your dd. I don't particularly think relentless disclosure and honesty is always the best policy. She sounds thoughtless and not empathetic. A bit of a gossip actually. Are you able to access help for yourself in supporting your dd? Good luck.

Grace212 · 24/03/2019 16:44

oh I feel for you OP

all these posters saying "pick the right person" - FFS.

I would tell your friend you feel let down - you were - if you feel you can be bothered with the fall out.

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2019 16:45

She's no friend OP, sadly.I'd ditch her but not before I told her why.

I find this extreme, the friend did not tell her child, he was eavesdropping and over heard, and the op is sure it was not malicious.

americandream · 24/03/2019 16:46

TBH I would never tell ANYONE anything I didn't want anyone else to know. Not even my 2 (adult) kids. DD tells her boyfriend everything. So if I had a private and delicate problem, I would never tell her because she tells him everything.

I have a few people in my life (who are fairly close to me,) who I don't tell stuff to because they have a big gob. EG, I found out someone was pregnant (after overhearing a conversation,) and she had not told people, not even her family. I didn't tell these individuals, because I know they wouldn't be able to keep it to themselves, as they love to gossip.

Lesson learned. Don't tell anyone ANYTHING that you don't want other people to know!

FriarTuck · 24/03/2019 16:48

I'd reply and I'd tell her that I was furious and that it was a breach of trust. You don't share details about someone else's mental health with your 10 yo child unless you've expressly been given permission. I'd be livid. If you don't tell her then she won't realise not to do it again to someone else in another oops moment.

sonjadog · 24/03/2019 16:50

Yes, you made a mistake. But it was perfectly reasonable and understandable that you wanted to share the burden of this with another person and the only real mistake you made was choosing the wrong person to tell. I´d put your friendship with this person to the side for now and concentrate on sorting out your DD and DSs´ feedings. Come back to the friendship in a few months when you have decided what you want to do about it.

Gitfeatures · 24/03/2019 16:51

You tell her the truth, that DD is distraught, DS is confused and you are utterly baffled as to why she felt it appropriate to share that information with a 10 year old who clearly cannot be trusted to exercise any semblance of discretion.
Do you have other mutual friends that she may have told?

Userplusnumbers · 24/03/2019 16:52

I think it's a bit hypocritical to say that you absolutely had to talk to someone about this issue, but to expect the person you offload onto to say absolutely nothing at all - unless of course, you use someone unconnected in a personal way e.g. Anonymous support group, trained counsellor etc.

Some more detail about how the incident happened would be good OP - e.g. Ftiends DD overheard while friend was creating her weekly gossip video to send round the village, not acceptable.

DD overheard while friend was discussing what is clearly a distressing issue with her DP - much more understandable.

As the parent of a 12 year old, you must be aware they're masters of listening in to things they shouldn't (and amazing at failing to hear things directed straight at them)

Ultimately, only you can decide whether or not it's worth losing a friendship over - but you did share first, so clearly you understand that you're discussing a big topic. Context is everything. Probably a good opportunity to talk to your DD about confidentiality too - the risk now being that she does not disclose something important (either to you or to a medical professional) as the boundaries of confidentiality are now unclear.

PrimalLass · 24/03/2019 16:55

Unless you made it super clear it was a TOTAL secret, how would she know you viewed it that way?

Would you share news about someone's gynae problems or just assume it was personal and not to be gossiped about?

Userplusnumbers · 24/03/2019 16:56

Apologies - missed the bit where the friend told the DD directly. Other points still stand though.

Crabbyandproudofit · 24/03/2019 16:56

I imagine much of your DD's distress is not that her brother knows, nor that you asked a friend for advice, but that she feels 10 year olds are talking about her. It is great if people are open about their MH issues and there should be no stigma but if a 12 year old does not feel ready to tell everyone the OP is absolutely right to respect that. Without playing down her feelings, I wish you all the best in reassuring her.

I hope the 'friend' had some useful advice for you before she betrayed your trust. Whatever her daughter asked she could have answered without giving details of your DD's situation. Do you think she realises that she has caused damage sufficiently that she won't speak of this to anyone else or do you need to emphasise this to her again before you break off communications?

ConfCall · 24/03/2019 16:58

The friend is a yapping halfwit. Who on earth tells a 10yo stuff like that.

However, whilst I'm not blaming you, your main responsibility now is to ensure that your daughter trusts you in future. If she thinks that you're going to discuss her health with someone else, she may well opt not to tell you about it. You need to make it very clear that you can be relied upon to keep quiet.

Myoldtable · 24/03/2019 16:59

Just learn from it and never trust her again

AngeloMysterioso · 24/03/2019 17:01

He just couldn’t cope. He wouldn’t understand.

This bit confuses me... understanding and coping are two different things. Let’s say hypothetically that your DD’s issue is anorexia... he may not understand, but it’s not an issue he has to cope with.

Unless her issue is something that manifests itself in a way that somehow does affect him, in which case he’s already having to cope with it without knowing what it is? In which case how could him knowing about it make it worse?

Sorry if I’m being obtuse, I’m just a bit confused.

Putyourhandsintheair · 24/03/2019 17:01

You have done NOTHING wrong. You have confided in a friend. You expected your friend to be sensitive and sensible with the knowledge that you gave her. That's the basic expectation and rule of friendship. Whether you were right or wrong to keep it a secret from your son is irrelevant as no one can possibly understand your situation as you do. You made that decision based on good reasons and understanding of your children and the situation.

I think it's worth explaining calmly to the friend that this has made things difficult and upsetting for you and your daughter and that you are disappointed. Her reaction will determine for you if this is a friendship worth keeping.

PrimalLass · 24/03/2019 17:01

I think it's a bit hypocritical to say that you absolutely had to talk to someone about this issue, but to expect the person you offload onto to say absolutely nothing at all

FFS. Really?

Merryoldgoat · 24/03/2019 17:06

@AngeloMysterioso

I was wondering the same.

Longtalljosie · 24/03/2019 17:08

You have not messed up, you misjudged someone but you absolutely should have someone to talk to. You misjudged her.

I would reply and say:
It’s more than an oops. DS is upset and DD is absolutely devastated that your DS knows. I wish I hadn’t confided in you and I can’t understand why you told your DS about this.

ChrisPrattsFace · 24/03/2019 17:09

Did you reply to her OP?
She should be aware of the problems caused by telling her 10yo irrelevant things.

I hope your kids are ok,

StroppyWoman · 24/03/2019 17:10

bbcessex

The friend responded to a question from her daughter in a way that seemed appropriate to her situation, as I did with mine. She didn't gossip about it.
Unfortunately that DD told the OP's son and that caused distress. That's really sad and I feel for the poor lass.

PrimalLass - If I knew my friend regarded an issue as something not to be shared, I'd not share it.
I love the verb conjugation about this subject:
I chat/share
we talk
she gossips

Original poster
commentson · 24/03/2019 17:10

Why I haven’t, can’t, don’t want to tell my 10 year old is a separate issue. The facts are, I’ve confided in a friend, who, through her experiences would be able to offer me some advice, she has then had a conversation with her 10 year old and used my 12 year old as an example. Her 10 year old has then told my 10 year old.

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 24/03/2019 17:21

"Oops" is such a shitty response.

Cranky17 · 24/03/2019 17:27

Op that’s horrible, she’s not a friend, I think you should tell her what she has done is unforgivable and then cut contact.

Friends are there to confide in, she should have kept your confidence...

lljkk · 24/03/2019 17:29

I guess you've learnt that this friend doesn't recognise information that you feel needs to be kept very confidential and not potentially learnt by her own child.

What would I do: Not trust her with very confidential info again. Rest of friendship can continue as was.

Damage limitation: what can you do to assure your son & Dd that everything will be ok?