friend told her child my secret

[commentson]

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

Did the DD overhear her mum telling her dad or something and then mum has explained it to her to try and stop DD saying something and make her understand... and DD did what ten year olds do and said something anyway?

I know Ive had to explain things that I wouldnt normally talk to my kids about because theyve overheard a snippet of conversation and I didnt want them getting the wrong end of the stick.

I’ve asked her and she told her.

So you’ve spoken to your friend in the past few minutes? What did she say?

Phone her, stay calm but tell her that DS found out, and who told him. Let her know how upset DD is, how let down you feel. It is irrelevant how her DD found out, as no matter how she heard it means friend broke your confidence.

Why on earth are people making the OP feel bad about this? If you tell someone a secret, the secret should be kept. If it isn't then that person is a shit. Talk about victim blaming! OP has a right to talk to a trusted person.

OP I found out the hard way that people cannot be trusted. It isn't your fault though.

I would phone the friend and ask what on Earth she thought she was doing.

Sleeping I'm the same. You're onto something with that. At some point I started tuning it out as it's not a nice trait.

I know I’ve messed up but what do I do Re: friend? Ring her, email

It's happened and I'm sure you'll learn from it. Is this person a good friend other than this? If she is then odorous my continue the friendship and obviously never confide in her again. If not, then id probably just cool things with her and let the friendship fade.

Either way, I would tell her that you are really disappointed in her.

Mostly, if I were you, I would concentrate on your daughter. Tell her you are sorry, you made a mistake but you only did it because you thought she could help or whatever. Promise her that you won't ever do it again and concentrate on rebuilding trust. What's done is done, but you can change how you deal with things from now on. Don't beat yourself up over it, you didn't share for a bad reason.

I would write to her and ask her to write to your daughter to apologise too with assurance never to speak of it again. You can then decided if you should give your DD the letter and if it would help.

Meanwhile, I don’t mean it glibly, I do think a counsellor for you would help. You say you’ve had 5 years of hell. It’s totally understandable to want to talk and be heard.

I messaged earlier as it felt right and most people here were telling me I was a let down for opening my mouth not what I should actually do so I just sent a nice message and she said replied along the lines of “ooops, she asked me something and I started explaining about x and I’m sorry if I’ve caused a problem”

*Odorous my - I would

Autocorrect is crazy !

OP - does she know her DD told your DS?

Yes she knows and the above was her reply. I haven’t replied and I’m not going to bother actually.

Wow. Not much of an apology. I would let her know she’s caused a huge problem.

Her response is rubbish. I would respond and say that it has caused huge distress and I'd ask her not to discuss it any further with anyone. I'd find it hard to be friends after this.

I'm going to speak up for the friend here.

Unless you made it super clear it was a TOTAL secret, how would she know you viewed it that way?
My son (19) and I both have mental health issues, both of us since early teens. We're open about it because I am not going to let him go through the shaming stigma my parents made me feel about it. We do talk about it openly when it arises and I wouldn't think twice about doing so.

If your friend similarly doesn't think a mental health issue is 'hush hush' and her daughter had a question (perhaps inspired by something she overheard) I can see that she would explain the situation in a way a 10yo could understand.
The fact you'd try hide a MH crisis within your own family staggers me. How can everyone act with empathy and understanding if no one knows?
I sympathise with you, having a child suffering is heartbreaking, I know. But keeping it hidden only contributes to the idea it's a Wrong Thing.

Stroppywoman

You can’t say that without knowing details.

Say, for example, DD’s problem is self-harming.

Of course it may be right not to share that with her 10 year old sibling who has SEN.

I'd reply 'more like a shitstorm, thanks for that' and most definitely wouldn't discuss it with her again. Even if she asks how dd is, just tell her she's fine and change the subject.

There is absolutely no stigma, no shame here. I’ve been trying to protect my amazing, wonderful daughter from people who do attach a stigma and shame to MH. I needed to ask someone for advice, I did and it has back fired.

Then yanbu. This is not something you discuss directly with a child her age. More so that she knew your ds was not aware. Honestly she sounds absolutely thick to not have known this was common sense and you didnt need to explicitly tell her.

I would reply and tell her she was aware your ds didnt kmow and this has now caused a big problem for your DC and you are very disappointed and.upset as you didnt think this was something you needed to ask her to keep private.

I think it’s reasonable that you wanted to discuss this with a friend. It’s a huge amount of pressure on you, of course you need to let it out. But also, it may not have been unreasonable for your friend to answer her DD’s questions. Unless I knew it was a secret, if my DS started asking, for example, why X never eats or why Y had cuts on their arm, I would tell the truth in an age appropriate way. If that’s what happened then it’s understandable and your DD needs support to understand that people will ask questions.

It was quite risky discussing something so sensitive outside of the home when your DS didn't know, as others say it's lesson learnt unfortunately. Only you can decide if the friendship can survive but I wouldn't put the blame entirely on her.

Stroppy Woman

You don't sound sympathetic at all, merely judgemental on a matter of which there are only scant details.

bbcessex
As it happens we did have an issue of a teen self-harming in our wider family, and I did explain it in an age appropriate way. She wouldn't come swimming anymore or take off her long sleeved top in blazing heat, and other behaviour that raised questions from my kids.
There's always a way to explain things appropriately.

The crux of it is miscommunication - OP felt it was a secret, friend thought it was a problem shared; here wasn't any malice in the action. I'm really sorry poor OP's DD is upset, though, Poor kid.

OP said she made it clear to her friend that it was a secret. Seems the friend is not trustworthy.

She's no friend OP, sadly.
I'd ditch her but not before I told her why.