friend told her child my secret

[commentson]

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

It's not your secret that she told though OP. It is your child's secret. If you had kept it to yourself then it wouldn't be an issue. Regardless of whether your friend told her child, as soon as you told her about your DD's mental health you broke her trust.

I think jackstini has the perfect response..

"Yes you have caused a massive problem. Dd is distraught, ds is confused and upset, I am devastated you betrayed my trust and the consequences of you doing this without my permission are awful. I just wanted a bit of help and instead your actions have made things worse for us all. Please make sure you and your child do not discuss this with anyone else"

So awful of your friend op.

Smile sweetly and tell her you know she didn't keep your secret and you won't be confiding in her again - ever.

She's not a friend at all in any sense of the word.

I think you have been unfairly harshed on here OP. It is really hard to bear things alone: you thought your friend could be trusted and could help. It's her bad, not yours.

I think the bigger issue is the stigma and gravity that you are placing on her mental health. It isn't something that has to be kept hush hush and perpetuating that by making a massive deal out of this is only driving that stigma deeper. It took me well into my adult life to finally realise that the stigma attached to mental health is wrong. I think we owe it to the next generation to raise them without shame. It took a workplace initiative to make me appreciate that it is okay to have problems. In school I would have felt that self harm scars were the end of the world. Now I am well aware that my colleagues will see scars and fresh marks, and that's just part of the fabric of me. People are more understanding than you'd think. I've met with more support than I've ever met with negativity.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened. I can see how mortified you were and I'm furious on your behalf. You very carefully chose one trusted friend, one person to confide in over five years, who you thought could not only offer comfort but practical advice too. I think most people would have done the same, given the details you have given. I'm sorry that your friend turned out to have the sense of a pickled walnut and betrayed your trust without seeming to realise what the consequences might be.

For those people asking why an SEN child might be bothered or not be able to cope with something which isn't to do with him, let me offer some insight. Obviously I don't know anything about the nature of the OP's son's needs but my son has autism (amongst other difficulties). Yesterday he was distraught because he heard me talking to my other half about a dead racoon. He spent all afternoon worrying about the racoon and wailing about how much he misses him (the racoon that he's never seen). Last week he was in pieces as he discovered Michael Jackson is dead. He doesn't know who Michael Jackson is, neither does he know his music. He's still very sad about it though.

For a child with autism, the smallest things carry huge weight and can become an enormous problem. Coupled with a lack of full understanding, this can lead to situations where your child simply can't cope. We've had numerous over the years and no doubt will continue to have many more. So when you say it's not his issue to cope with, you're right - but an autistic child may struggle with this concept.

I think you should tell your friend that her loose tongue has had consequences for the welfare of both of your children. I would ask for an assurance that she fully understands this and ask her to make sure your daughter’s private information goes no further.

You've already had lots of great responses OP. Your friend definitely needs to know how you feel. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Re your DD and DS, my own story might be of some use/hope. I was conceived via a process similar to IVF back in the age when this was unusual/new. My parents didn't tell me. I found out when I was in my teens, from a family friend's DD who had known forever. (The parallels to your story are quite similar!)

It was the sort of thing everyone knew – grandparents, family friends, aunts and uncles. Everyone just thought "Oh let's not bother telling DoggRadio1."

Bizarrely, the whole thing ended up making me so much closer to my parents. They sat me down and talked about it and apologised. They showed some vulnerability by apologising for their mistake and I showed some vulnerability through my shock and confusion. We got through it by being honest: I asked questions, they answered, we showed that we are human beings with the capacity for error, forgiveness.

It took a while to recover but we got there in the end, and many years on we are now a loving, supporting and trusting family. (I am an independent adult now but we are all very close.) You will get there. Big hugs x

And this is why we have no secrets in our family. I've seen the damage done when they come out which they always do.

There’s a difference between secret and private.

And this is why we have no secrets in our family. I've seen the damage done when they come out which they always do.

Well bully for you.

My teenager confided in her friend about my MH issues. The friend then told her mother who proceeded to send me texts referring to my MH which made very uncomfortable (they had a threatening tone). I choose not to have anything to do with either of them now. I have an idea how your daughter feels and I think this would be end for me if it was my friend. I’ve had some very negative reactions from people in relation to my MH issues, so I choose not to tell people unless absolutely necessary.

Quite frankly OP, I’d have to give your “friend” a massive bollocking and I’d never trust them again. Good luck with trying to sort the shitstorm out within the family. I know you’ve been betrayed by other MNers for even sharing this in confidence- of course we all need to discuss with someone at some point, I’m so sorry she was so bloody crass to disregard how important it was to you to keep schtum.

Betrayed? Duh! Berated!

Your friend is a frigging idiot. Sorry that the one person you have placed your trust in after years of this, has so totally and utterly betrayed it.

I wouldn’t expect to have had to spell it out that it’s confidential and not to be shared with a 10 year old ffs.

I just don't understand why you would hide it from your own family but happily share it with a friend. I hope your daughter gets the help and support she needs 💕

Could it be that your friend was discussing it with her other half and her child overheard? Lots of women would tell their partners

FFS read the OPs posts, the friend admitted she told the child directly. This was not an accidental overhearing!

I just don't understand why you would hide it from your own family but happily share it with a friend.

PErhaps because she has people her family who wouldnt understand or be sympathetic? I have them in mine, they are the sort that believe that MH issues are attention seeking bullshit and that one should simply "pull yourself together". I didnt tell them about my breakdown because I know full well what would have happened, it would have made my whole illness far worse.

She says she thought that the friends experience could provide her will help with the issue, and trusted her. Wrongly as it turned out but lets face it, we never know if someone can be trusted until we trust them.

Op please don't give yourself a hard time we all need support from time to time. You thought you could trust this person and she let you down massively. I would speak to her and tell her how let down you feel then tell her to have a word with her dd not to tell anyone else

I don't understand how your son't cope knowing this. If his sister never appeared different before knowing she won't magically be any different now either.

You say your friend had experience here. In what way? Professional because if so this too might be a breach of conduct.

She shouldn't have said anything, she's not a true friend. Unfortunately some people just can't keep confidences. I'm so sorry.

I agree with Tixywixy. Yes your friend was wrong to share something that you told her in confidence. But all we hear at the moment is how we shouldn’t be hiding mental health issues and by talking about them in the same way as we would talk about a ‘visible’ Illness helps end the stigma. Ultimately if it’s an issue that she will have all her life, your other children will have to know eventually. What harm has come out of them knowing? Will it change the way they feel about her or love her any less? I expect not. But if they can know more and understand - why she acts the way she does, why sometimes they see her get more attention for you - then they know why and can understand. So while your friend was wrong, I do think this is something that you understand together as a family. Don’t underestimate the ten year old. I’ve just had to tell My 10 year old and 9 year old that their cousin is in an eating disorder clinic with a weight under 4 stone (she’s a young adult). It’s openrd the channels to discuss mental illness and to understand it as best as any of us can - to not judge and to help in any way we can. And for them to always talk about their feelings rather than trying to deal with anything themselves.