friend told her child my secret

[commentson]

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

Its not on, she was sloppy regarding a sensitive issue, if shes a friend of yours, she should really have realised the implications of telling her child if they are in contact with your son!

If the other kid 'told' your son about it too, its likely it was done as an 'i know this and you dont!' Why would a ten year old bring up a highly sensitive or distressing issue to a child with SEN? I wouldnt have thought that child had kind intentions either. 10 is old enough to know better. But still, your friends fault. Even if she'd said to her child ' this is between you and i only', you know your child and whether they are capable of keeping sensitive info in or if they are a blabber, you don't tell them!

and 'oooops' is a really, really, sloppy response. This person isn't who you thought they were, i would let her know the full extent of your daughters distress. If she has no sympathy, then goodbye.

Very immature of your friend, as it is fairly obvious that some ten year olds won’t keep confidences. I do think it is mean of her dd to tell your ds too- was this deliberate ? Had her mother not told her it was private ?
It is hard commenting without knowing the issue, as perhaps she was well meaning, eg if your dd suffers from anxiety, then she might hvae said to her dd something like “don’t do xyz around commentson’s dd, as she gets anxious and this might upset her”
If it was something along those lines, where she was trying to be helpful but messed up, then I might forgive her, but if it was just careless and insensitive, then I might either end the friendship or edge out of it slightly. Certainly I would tell her how unhappy I was.

I feel really sorry for you. I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is going through a MH problem. I think your friend was completely wrong to tell her 10-year-old DD. You sound like a lovely mum, from the way you describe your daughter as “amazing, wonderful”, and it’s to your credit that in five years of this situation you didn’t tell anyone, up until this one person.

I think the really important thing at this point is to make it very clear to your daughter - as you have probably already done - that you are really sorry, you completely understand why she is so upset, and that you will never tell anyone else without her permission. Everyone messes up sometimes, but how people follow up on that makes a huge difference. Some people get really defensive, don’t admit they’ve made a mistake, and don’t acknowledge how hurt someone is because that would involve admitting their mistake. That whole scenario adds more hurt to the hurt person. You sound not like that at all; you’re obviously genuinely sorry and I’m sure you have conveyed that to your daughter in a way that shows you respect and validate her feelings, and that you are committed to respecting her privacy.

If you feel comfortable doing so - obviously you are best placed to judge whether this would be a good idea - it might also be good to talk to your friend, explain that your daughter is very upset, and make it very clear that you don’t want her to tell anyone else and that she should have a serious talk with her DD and tell her not to tell anyone.

You genuinely sound lovely. Very best of luck sorting out this situation! 💐

It’s more likely that she told her husband and her child overheard. Did you make it clear that your DS doesn’t know?

I think OP had established that the friend told her child.... She said so a post or two ago.

So she knows her DD(10) told your SEN DS(10) and "replied along the lines of “ooops, she asked me something and I started explaining about x and I’m sorry if I’ve caused a problem” "

Wow. That is just - shit.

So, your OP asked, what would I do. I think I would respond that she has indeed caused a problem, a bloody big one, and that there really shouldn't have been an 'if' in her mind. I don't think I could be friends with someone like her.

OP you could just respond "yes it has." And leave it there.

She has been utterly thoughtless. But you need to concentrate on your DS and DD, regain a sense of calm. So just ignore your friend and don't beat yourself up. You weren't to know that her empathy and common sense weren't as they appeared.

Alice, your reply is lovely and spot on, exactly that OP. You do sound like a lovely mum that loves her children and is doing whats best for both. Your daughter will know that you respect and love her and are sorry.

@commentson yes ring her tell her you are furious and that the friendship is over.

You have done NOTHING wrong. You have confided in a friend. You expected your friend to be sensitive and sensible with the knowledge that you gave her.
this^
Tell your DD the truth that you’re truly sorry and that you needed advice and support from another Mum, whom you’re considered a good sensible person and mainly a very close friend. And try to talk with her about lesson you learned.
TBH I think that your friend is a stupid person. I would tell her plainly and seriously that what she did cause upset and withdraw from her. your DD might prefer this.
And don’t blame yourself so much , we can’t survive without support and that’s what friends for, only she wasn’t real friend.
I can’t advice you about your DS but I have a child with additional needs and there are a lot of things I should be really careful about how I talk about them and present them for different reasons. You know your child.

You do need to tell your 'friend' the upset this has caused and ask her at the very least not to share any further.

Then you need to concentrate on your children and yourself - it's unsurprising that you need support and I'm sorry someone you trusted wasn't worthy of your trust.

Does it really need spelling out to people that a child's mental health (or anyones) is not gossip fodder and should be kept to yourself? Wow!

Yanbu, she's not even sorry is she :/

The friend is a yapping halfwit. Who on earth tells a 10yo stuff like that.

100% agree. Do some people really need it spelling out to them not discuss matters like this if someone has confided in them? Surely to god any right minded friend presumes that it's inappropriate to discuss something like this? It would seem by this thread that those of you blaming the OP would struggle to keep your gob shut. I hate gossips.

commentson. You haven’t done anything wrong 🌷 Just ignore the sanctimonious posts.

Your ‘friend’ is beyond fucking belief. There was NO reason At All to break your confidence to ‘explain’ anything to her DD. She KNEW it was confidential. She KNEW your DS didn’t know. She had NO right telling anyone, let alone a bloody 10 yo.

I think I’d reply something like ‘Oops?! Seriously?! You knew DS didn’t know, yet you told x? DS is really upset & DD is absolutely distraught. Ooops doesn’t cover it. Please do NOT tell anyone else and please tell x NOT to tell anyone either, ask her how would she like people gossiping about her? I really cannot believe you told her. You’re the first person I’ve confided in and 5 years, and you’ve thrown a grenade into my family’.

If she was a good friend then tbh I'd think I hadn't been clear enough about my expectations.MN always jumps to go no contact with people.In RL, I wouldn't cut off a friend for one mistake because I'd assume they hadn't meant to cause problems for myself and my family. Instead, I'd call my friend. Tell them about the impact and ask for their suggestions on how to fix/contain it.

IncrediblySadToo
Great reply.

Well said incredible.

That's really shitty of your friend OP, especially the apology.

A similar situation happened to me when I was about 10 - my mum confided in a friends mum about my dad having an illness, I didn't know yet. Friend's mum told friend, who casually mentioned it one day when we were playing and said "oh but I'm not supposed to tell you so don't tell your Mum that you know ". I was devastated, and obviously went home to ask my Mum.

I hope that your DD and DS will be ok.

That's a terrible reply from her and I think you do need to reply telling her what she has caused

"Yes you have caused a massive problem. Dd is distraught, ds is confused and upset, I am devastated you betrayed my trust and the consequences of you doing this without my permission are awful. I just wanted a bit of help and instead your actions have made things worse for us all. Please make sure you and your child do not discuss this with anyone else"

Then spend all your effort on sorting things with your DC, you obviously really want to make things right but am also worried about you - it must be so difficult
Could you try family &/or individual counselling?

I agree with PPs - as tempting as it is to ignore the friend, you need to tell her exactly what damage has been done by her pathetic failure to keep her mouth shut. She has to know that she has really fucked things up for you and your family and be aware that saying anything to anyone else is absolutely off limits.

She sounds like an utterly incompetent friend and it's pretty concerning that as a parent she doesn't realise the significance of what you told her and the impact that sharing this with her daughter would have. She needs to understand how important it is that they both keep this to themselves! Good luck - you sound lovely and I'm sure your daughter will come round once you explain the situation to her.

Sorry for all the tough things going on op.
What terrible said is spot on. 💐

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong we all need someone to confide in your friend is awful

I'd go with what gitfeatures said on page 5

I'd be hurt and angry. You really shouldn't have to tell her it was confidential. There was no need for her child to know. Her response to you really says it all
How very dismissive

yapping halfwit sounds about right.

I'm really sorry this has happened.