friend told her child my secret

[commentson]

A few weeks ago I told a friend something in confidence, friend has spoken about this in front of her DD who has then told my DS! What would you do?

The thing is it sort of doesn't matter if it was a secret, why would she think it was appropriate be talking to a (her) child about the private medical issues (in this case mental health issues) of another child whom her child knows or at least knows the siblings of.

As an adult it shows poor judgment in my opinion.

Its hard when you confide in someone but feel betrayed, however your secret is never as precious to anyone else as it is to you, so never expect anyone to keep your secret if you cant keep it yourself. Why would you hide a mental health illness from family?

How old are her DS/your DD?

My DD is 12.

I will say - and I know this from experience - that secrets damage a family from the inside. Even if the other kids never find out, there is a part of the family that is inaccessible to them. That has a distancing effect and can cause long term probs for all involved. I'd be inclined to use this as an opportunity to get things out in the open.

The DS that now knows is 10.

I would never tell a friend anything I didn't mind being repeated. I've learned my lesson early in. No secrets. No secrets can be kept growing up in an all girls school! I think it's important for you to be open and honest with all of your children.

How old are your DC?

Your friend was FAR too careless with your private information. I’d tell her how upset you are that your carefully guarded secret has been so casually exposed.

As for ‘betraying your child’s confidence’ what a load of tosh. All parents discuss issues regarding their children with other people.

This happened to me repeatedly as a child. It really really impacts children’s trust of their parents.

Personally I dont think you should keep secrets from children and then be sharing it with friends. If it’s so sensitive that you can’t even tell your other children, then speak to a counsellor who is paid to be confidential.

Did you explicitly say to your friend that you were telling her in confidence? And that, to you, means you don't want her to tell anyone else? IME people have all sorts of ideas about what "in confidence " means and several people I know think it means that you don't let the person under discussion know they have been discussed, rather than that they mustn't mention the matter to anyone not in the actual conversation.

Your friend was totally wrong. I would say so very loudly. But please don’t ever put your child in this position again.

Surely the problem is keeping secrets about a mental health issue. If she had an autoimmune issue, for example, would you be keeping it a secret? It's an opportunity to explain about mental health to your son and normalise mental health issues for your daughter. It's nothing to be ashamed off and if there was more openness then they'd be less stigma around mental illness.

Sorry, cross posted with you re their ages.

It’s a shame DS has found out when you didn’t want him to know, but hopefully you can explain to him that this is private to DD and NOT to be shared with friends. If he has any questions he’s to ask you or DD.

I thought I made is clear, but obviously not clear enough. I just feel so bad about it. But we all need to unload and share our worries sometimes surely!

I also can’t understand how you think you were going to keep something a secret from a 10year old living with his sister. They may be smaller but they aren’t daft. They know more than you think and will be at best disconcerted by your secrecy.

I’m not ashamed but my DS has SEN and he wouldn’t cope. Hence, why we wanted to keep it from him.

How old is friends DD?

I also can’t understand how you think you were going to keep something a secret from a 10year old living with his sister. They may be smaller but they aren’t daft. They know more than you think and will be at best disconcerted by your secrecy.

That's not really the issue though is it. The OP is best placed to decide if her DS should know about this. The issue is whether she can trust her friend with sensitive information, which clearly she can't.

Did she specifically tell her child or did she have a conversation the child over heard?

" but my DS has SEN and he wouldn’t cope. "

What is there for him to cope with though?

I think your focus should be on supporting your DCs tbh. It's too vague to know whether your friend could be expected to guess that information you had shared with her was being kept from your own children or if her DD overheard your conversations with her mum.

My friends DD is 10. They rarely see each other so didn’t think further than I’m confiding in my friend.

Surely you could have explained indeed should have explained, to your DS in an age and SN appropriate way?

I can't see why on earth anyone would share something about a friend's child with their own 10year old. Surely everyone knows that 10year olds can't be trusted not to blurt things out? Whether you explicitly said it was a secret or not, I would never have talked about a friend's child's mental health problems with my own children. That is so inappropriate. You wouldn't need to tell me it was a secret, I would assume it was from the kids!

I'd be having words. I really would. Absolutely not ok.

He just couldn’t cope. He wouldn’t understand. She knew my DS didn’t know.