to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

If I was the Aunt I would expect my 22-year-old niece to ask me herself. I would consider 3 months but probably not longer. To be honest, I'm not sure your daughter has looked hard enough for a flat share, my daughter managed on a graduate wage, you just have to learn to budget.

My daughter's a student living in London and manages fine on a lowly student income. (Private rented shared flat in a nice leafy area.) Whatever salary your daughter is on, she'll be able to manage if she adjusts her expectations. Her current expectation is a nice 4 bed house she can bring her friends around! I think there's no harm in asking your sister if she can stay for a week or two while she flat-hunts, but your sister defo isn't up for a long stay lodger by the sound of things. I wouldn't want that and unless she outright offered, neither does she.

@Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld

My post wasn’t referring to the Aunt, I’d posted further up the thread it was a bad idea. There is a scheme where young people can live with elderly people in exchange for 12 hours a week help, companionship and someone to keep an eye on them and that’s what I was referring to. I’m well aware 55 isn’t elderly.

I am a bit surprised that some posters suggest that 3 months rent free would be fine. At 22 she should be more independent and not ask other people to support her financially. Well, not to that degree anyway. My parents did give me £30 a month at that age, but I studied. I didn't have a job as it was 60 hours a week studying.

The fact that she's 22, graduated and secured a fabulous job (how much is the salary?!) but still cant ask her Aunt herself makes me wonder how she will be as a lodger- will she text you to get you to text or ring Aunt to inform her to 'stay out tonight, as she's inviting her friends over for a Saturday night dinner party'?!

Living in digs is part of London life, she may actually enjoy it. She's coming across as entitled and assuming. Yes, of course it would be lovely to love somewhere posh. And rent free / low rent...but to expect that of your sister/Aunt for 2 years, when you're not really that close is very cheeky to be honest!

I think a month or 2 would be a reasonable request.

That would give enough time for dd to save a deposit, ask around at work any share housing possibilities and be a comfortable stepping stone to living independently.

I think a year or 2 is too much of an imposition to even consider asking.

Please do not ask your sister....its not fair.Your daughter needs to sort out her living arrangements out herself.Say for example your daughter did move in with her Aunt for say 3 months and then didnt find anywhere up to her standards it would put your sister in an impossible situation being held to randsome to let her stay....it is unfair to put her in that situation..as I am sure your daughter will get used to very quickly a high standard of living and then will not bend for anything less....you are doing your daughter no favours what so ever by even entertaining this notion....Time your daughter realized that life is so much better as a strong independant young woman by starting out at the bottom but doing it on her own....please do not ask the Aunt...most unfair of you both to consider putting her in a situation like that.....

Her response about lunches and shopping sounds well practised. I bet she's used it many times for people eyeing up her spare rooms as a London base for holidays or jobs.

I agree with everyone else, your daughter seems like a huge CF. She is more than likely perfectly able to rent somewhere but seems to think she can live with her aunt, who she's never bothered to get to know before, for next to nothing. And even worse- thinks she can bring friends round!

@EleanorEclipse will not be coming back to this thread and she certainly won't be telling us how much her daughter will be earning. Plop and run thread to get us all frothing.

Also - welcome to Mumsnet @EleanorEclipse

I could potentially be in your sister´s situation if my niece decided to move to where I live in a few years. If asked I would offer 3 months max, no visitors. Also I would insist my niece made contact and discussed it with me herself.

After living with my own adult children, there is no way I would ask a childless relative to!

God no. If your sister has lived on her own all this time, chose not to get married or have kids then she probably likes it that way! Sounds like the perfect set up for her so why would she change it? Especially to have someone move in who is going to be bringing mates around etc! How selfish.

Her response about lunches and shopping sounds well practised. I bet she's used it many times for people eyeing up her spare rooms as a London base for holidays or jobs.

This too! When I moved into a 2 bed in London on my own at 27, it’s was amazing how many people came out of the woodwork. I needed that second room as a studio. All of a sudden it was “Hi Shady, it must be lonely living in that flat down in the big smoke by yourself. Me, x and y can come down for 2 weeks in the summer to stay with you. How does August sound!” from old work colleagues and relatives I barely saw.

Your DD sounds quite entitled, to be talking about asking friends around. She'd be living in someone else's house, so if you or she were to ask, it should be on the basis that she would be renting a room.

I think to ask for a year or two is way too much.

I think you could go as far as to say to your sister that "dd is looking for somewhere, do you know of anything?". If she doesn't offer then that's that. She might have friends that take in lodgers though.

As others have said, she likely would have offered already if she wanted to have her.

Please tell us her salary!!!

Report the thread if you think it isn't real, no need to troll hunt.

Your DD talking about having her friends over to your sister’s house is a concern. That’s quite presumptuous of her, she’s already assuming that not only would her aunt be delighted for her to move in but also that she would be happy having a house full of 20 somethings as well.

Some of these starting salaries are huge. PR agencies start their execs on 14k. It's a pittance and near impossible to survive on.

DD is pushing it before she's started by talking about having friends round. It's not her house. She'd be at best a guest - who'd have to help with the washing up.

Believe me, people who live in London are wise to this. You could ask Dsis if DD could stay for a couple of weeks while flat-hunting.

I agree with you entirely about the salary/rent thing - the middle classes are bolting from London in their droves.

If your sister had any interest in your daughter staying with her she would have at least said, 'if she's needs a place to stay while she's house hunting she's welcome here'. If that's not offered, I'd take it as a no.

A woman without children in her 50s in London, probably has a very busy social life, lots of interests and is very happy with her situation.
I have a big extended family and we are very close but still in the same situation I'd probably offer a short stay, of 6-8 weeks while your daughter found a house share, would not charge rent as she would be a guest and would not want friends around at all (or any stumbling home without keys at 3 am and all those brilliant things which go with London in your 20s!)

Having 4 DC including DTs born in my 40s, I can only dream of having a 4 bed house in Ealing to myself in my 50s. Its a lovely dream and I would not be sharing!