to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

Has the OP come back to answer any of these questions??

Starting salary?!

Your DD would have much more fun in a big shared house. I spent my 20s living in London, starting with a 5-person houseshare in Clapham North, then moving screw times, and eventually living in a one-bedroom flat in Chelsea.

The shared houses are such good fun. Share with other girls, or a mixed house. Living with just guys is boring.

Moving A FEW times, not "screw" times, lol

Yes ask , or get DD to ask, OP

My Aunt would say yes without a moments hesitation . In fact, though she is near Croydon not in London, my daughter stayed with her for a year on and off (3 nights a week term time) as it was so much nearer Croydon college and my Aunt loved having my DD stay as it was company and also DA loves cooking so would cook a lovely meal for them too .

Where’s OP gone??

Anyway, dd is a cheeky little madam. And if she wants her grown-up London job, then she’ll have to be a grown-up and sort her own living arrangements.

She has no qualms in planning having her friends around to her aunt’s house, but wants you to ask?? Aye, ok.

She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

What an entitled little brat

She needs to get a second job if she genuinely can't pay rent and living costs from her salary (but I don't believe that)

Or she needs to ask her aunt herself including a proposal of rent and behaviour contract (not including inviting friends over!)

I can't believe this is real. You are enabling a spoilt brat.

Interesting to see how the responses changed after the OP’s second post.

OP how is your daughter at home? Is she considerate and thoughtful? Does she cook meals and do laundry? Does she clean up after herself? Is she very sober and sensible?

I don’t blame her as much as others for getting a test of herself and dreaming of a lovely life in a nice big house. But noes the time to bring her back to earth.

Think of a reasonable request. How much would she expect to pay? One months or three to get herself sorted with a house share is reasonable, two years with an aunt she doesn’t know well is not. Aunt may agree to friends coming over for lunch but not to your daughter having any sort of party. Get your daughter to write down a sensible plan to take to aunt. Who raises it with the aunt is less important than that it’s a thoughtful considerate plan... one that will accept a “no” without complaint.

And she needs a plan B.

If it was for a week or two while she got sorted then I'd say there's no harm in asking but to expect it for a year or two is a bit too cheeky for me! Especially as your DD is already envisaging inviting friends over!!!

Your DD needs to start at the bottom like everyone else and rent a little bedsit or sort out a house-share etc.

I think it's a huge change in lifestyle to even contemplate your sister having to consider.

Tell us her salary and many of us will be able to make suggestions about possible locations etc.

No way would I be asking your sister (anyway it should be your DD asking...).

Your sister said she'd meet her for lunch which implies she isn't thinking about having them live together. Even if she is, it won't be for two year (LOL).

It's strange that your daughter has such a sense of entitlement that she's thinking of having friends (i.e mini parties) in a house that isn't hers.

Thirdly, despite the above I think you should ask (hope for a yes, but be prepared for a no). She may enjoy the company/ want to help your daughter.

Side note: Your comment about being different to your sister sounded mean. It would appear that her being career orientated could enable her to do something for your daughter that you can't (i.e. help her). I would feel a bit upset by this if I were your sister.

Also, how much below market value is your DD thinking of offering her? Don't forget that your sister will be getting a 25% discount on what presumably is a sizeable council tax bill for living alone. Therefore your DD moving in will immediately ensure that she is out of pocket, and that's without bills, food etc

I winced at the "having friends round" bit.

I am sort of in aunts position. Nice 2 bed flat in London. I'd agree to have nephew for a few weeks to assist him in starting work and finding a flatshare but no more than that. I'd appreciate that it's easier to find somewhere to live when actually here and if they are starting some sort of graduate job, they could meet other grads first week to share with. I would NOT want to share for longer than 3-4 weeks.
So ask on that basis of a short term help (and she heads hone at weekend)

my Aunt loved having my DD stay as it was company
Great for you. But I strongly doubt that most well off women with good jobs in their mid 50s are lacking for company.

I think we all winced at the having friends round bit.

To be honest I'd have a niece stay for a period, but I'd not be sure about two years, and I would expect them not to have friends round unless prior agreed with myself. It would be horrendous for the aunt, feeling ostracised in her own home. And I think it would not be long before there was a family split.

Clearly the daughter is thinking she can live there and then live like it's her house, doing as she pleases. That's shockingly entitled.

She's thinking of herself not the impact on her aunt. I wouldn't want this if the niece is not someone I'm close to, which it does not sound like she is.

She's thinking of the aunt as useful not really as a person with her own needs.

It sounds like dd wants to continue being a child in a 'parent' house but with the freedom of an adult. I'm afraid I'd be telling her no, I won't ask, if you want this you need to sort it out.

I moved to London at her age on a less than £10p/h wage (few years back but it was minimum wage then), it's do able.

If she had a more humble approach I'd think about asking but the way you've described it she wants to use your sister for her own benefit and I wouldn't allow that.

I'd start with "It is absolutely fine for you to say no to this" and also state that she doesn't have to answer on the spot, give her some time - even a couple of hours - to answer

even a couple of hours - that’s generous!

This actually did happen to a good friend of mine, she was in the aunts position. Friend lives in a beautiful 2 bed apartment in zone 1, which she worked very hard to achieve.

In our 20s we lived in various house shares, but in our 50s, sharing your living accommodation when you don't need to is a no, especially if you have never had kids.

When a friend my friends mum asked my friends mum if her newly graduated daughter could stay with my friend, she had no hesitation in saying no. Slightly different, as she had never met the daughter.

But she should get a house share like almost everyone else does at that age.

I don't think OP is coming back to this thread, having been (rightly) told her dd is a cf and a brat to boot! The entitlement is extraordinary...

In reality I think it would be better for the aunt to say no to this if the op persists on asking. As it won't be long before it's a disaster.

If the aunt said yes then it would need to be the aunts rules and the daughter respecting it was her house. I don't think this is what the daughter has in mind, she wishes to act like it's a house share and she is on equal footing .

Overall this has disaster written all over it.

A woman without children in her 50s in London, probably has a very busy social life, lots of interests and is very happy with her situation.

^^ this and maybe she has a very active sex life too that DN would put the kibosh on.

ClaireMcnam

My Aunt is not well off and is not in her 50s (older) . It worked for her and my DD , not saying it always does !!

People get used to live alone and not worry about anything or anyone else .
I thought about this when I went to uni but then realised there's a lot of things I wouldn't be able to do that students normally do as it's not my place. I cant do as I please. Like come home whenever I want. Go out really late in the night.

I think you need to look at rental opportunities further out in the suburbs. Many have great transport links into various central locations.

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc. The idea came from her, although she doesn't see her aunt that much so she asked me to think about it and intercede on her behalf.

Oh ho ho.

OP I'm sure you're still reading but not surprised that you've not come back! It's hardly going to be a surprise when I say I agree with almost everyone above. Do your DD a big favour and tell her to look for accommodation she can afford, or speak to her aunt herself. And definitely definitely don't approach your sister yourself. I can't see it going well.