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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

413 replies

EleanorEclipse · 23/03/2019 22:23

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 24/03/2019 07:42

Perhaps ask if she can live there temporarily, while she's looking for something more permanent. That would be a very reasonable request and your sister's reaction would tell you whether or not it was worth asking for a longer arrangement.

I lived with an uncle and aunt for a couple of months when I first moved to London (over 30 years ago). It was always intended as a temporary arrangement to give me time to look for something else, and it was very helpful.

Whereareyouspot · 24/03/2019 07:43

Are you there OP?

mustdrinkwaternotwine · 24/03/2019 07:43

I spent the first 6 weeks after I graduated living with my aunt in London. It completely changed our relationship as I didn't know her beforehand but we were friends by the end of it. However, it only worked as her two children were a couple of years older than me & the youngest has only just moved out so she was still used to slightly drunk 20 somethings stumbling through the door, it was for a defined period, I arrived after work on a Monday and l left at breakfast time on a Friday, I would be at home by 6.30 one night a week when we'd got out to the cinema or something and have a nice meal together, was home by 9ish another night so we'd have a chat and a cup of tea and was out until late (but before midnight) on the other nights, I didn't do any washing & only used the kitchen to make a cup of tea ... and my aunt is lovely!

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2019 07:47

I was thinking this might work until you said enjoy having friends round.

I can't think of anything worse for her aunt, as such,I think it is no.

I also think you need to make it clear to your daughter that without express permission and within parameters she would not be having friends round, that's a terrible imposition.

DerbyRacer · 24/03/2019 07:50

Is your sister very sociable. Does she enjoy having people in her home? I enjoy my own space, I would hate having a 22 year old and their friends in my home regularly.

fargo123 · 24/03/2019 07:51

I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc.

How extremely arrogant and entitled. If I was the aunt and got wind of this assumption, I'd say 'no' based on this attitude alone.

eddielizzard · 24/03/2019 08:00

I've just had my niece come to stay with me while she looked for a room in a shared house.

I think it's a very big ask of your sister and there's every likelihood she'll say no. It's a huge imposition to have someone move in, when you like living alone. And it'll be the little things that will become super annoying, like draping wet towels on the sofa. What if she wants to bring a date home?

No harm in asking, as long as you make it very clear you're not assuming she'll say yes.

Also find out what possibilities there are of a raise, so that she could move out into a house share sooner than 'a couple of years'.

SandyY2K · 24/03/2019 08:04

I think it would put your sister in a difficult position if your DD asked her tbh.

I'd much prefer my Dsis asked me, because if I wanted to say no it would be easier.

I'm close to my nieces though, so it wouldn't be an issue for me....but if my niece asked directly...I'd see that as kind of emotional blackmail in a way.

It does seem as though she's gotten ahead of herself though. As the Aunt I'd be thinking "So now you want something from me, you know who I am" ... especially if your DD has never bothered with her Aunt before.

When she applied for the job, did she not consider where she was going to live? It sounds like this was her plan all along which is a bit cheeky of her.

I suspect your Dsis is quite happy living alone... not looking for a young housemate.

This has the potential to damage your relationship with your Dsis and you're already not that close.

EssentialHummus · 24/03/2019 08:04

What’s the salary?

Wigeon · 24/03/2019 08:11

Yes, what’s the salary? People in their 20s in my workplace either live with their parents or live in house shares. They make sure they live somewhere with decent transport to our specific part of London (eg don’t live outside zone 6 on a train line because the train fares are ££££, live on the right tube or bus line).

Almost no one rents by themselves. I would be surprised if it’s literally not possible to live in London on a salary being offered in London.

Bringbackthestripes · 24/03/2019 08:14

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round

Not even asked and already planning on treating it as if she owns the place. Shock

BuckingFrolics · 24/03/2019 08:14

Absolute CF

DA would have offered.
DD wants show-off London lifestyle at her DA's expense

2 years? 2 weeks maybe, while flat hunting.

Anything above 18k and your DD should be able to live -albeit in a pared down, no frills way - in London.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 24/03/2019 08:16

I wouldn't ask her directly, she might feel pressurised to say yes. Instead your dd should get in touch and ask her if she knows of anything suitable.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 24/03/2019 08:25

Dd3 lives in a beautiful house with 3 others in Ravenscourt Park. The rent is £600 a month and I believe that is zone 2. Could easily be done on a graduate salary and must more fun than living with auntie in Ealing. Iirc Ealing is a longish commute into the city but obviously depends on where the job is. I wouldn't ask and if you really really have to, sell it as a couple of months while flat hunting.

hibbledibble · 24/03/2019 08:27

What's your dd's room budget?

There are cheap rooms available, even in London. You just need to find them.

One idea is to live with a family and offer babysitting in part exchange for a room. I saw a woman asking for such an offer for a relative on a local parents Facebook group, and lots of families were keen.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 24/03/2019 08:29

I had a friend who lived in some kind of medium-term hostel when she started out in London- female only and about 4 beds to a room. This was 20 years ago but there might be similar things around.

EvaHarknessRose · 24/03/2019 08:34

Dd should ask ‘DA I wonder if you would consider renting a room to me, my budget is up to £x, I could commit to xyz rules/chores - would you give it some thought and get back to me. I understand if you don’t wish to, and it is not a problem at all if this doesn’t suit you.’

Anything else would be an imposition i think.

KrazyKatlady · 24/03/2019 08:36

I think a lot of people are being quite harsh assuming the the aunt definitely won't want to entertain the idea of their niece moving in (for however long) They won't know until they ask! One of my relatives from overseas came over to London for about 6 months and stayed with their single (in his late 60s) uncle. I think both of them enjoyed it and got to know each other better. AFAIK they mucked in with cooking/cleaning and didn't invite friends round) I think the key thing is to ask but a) give time for consideration if they dont want to answer straight away b) have some back up plans if they decide no and c) respect both their decision and any terms they might have.

notapizzaeater · 24/03/2019 08:40

God no, I'd hate having someone e stay for 1-2 years, presume your sister lives alone for a reason !

Frazzled2207 · 24/03/2019 08:41

Fine to ask but totally fine if she says no.
Your daughter is getting ahead of herself.
Agree 1-2 years far too long it should be a 6 month proposal at the most to start off.

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/03/2019 08:47

I am divorced and live alone in my 4 bedroom house. I would not have someone stay for any significant length of time to be honest, I value the peace and the alone space. Visitors are great, but a 'lodger', no. I suspect the sister/aunt feels the same.

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2019 08:52

I'd also agree one to two years is too much, but I think thr op and the daughters attitude of she'd enjoy having friends over is the killer. It's not her house, and it's terribly entitled behaviour to think that she can take over in that manner,

I'd be horrified if my daughter was thinking this way, it's high,y disrespectful, and I really would hope I'd raised her better.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 24/03/2019 08:55

I think it's a bit cheeky to ask her tbh

diddl · 24/03/2019 08:58

I'm not close to my sister, but I'd have my niece like a shot to help out.

Would be more temporary until they found their own place though-unless we happened to get on really well.

It would still be my house though so probably no hoards of friends/parties.

Mememeplease · 24/03/2019 08:59

I think the most you can say would be in the midst of a normal conversation about dd moving to London, is to drop in casually "let us know if you fancy a lodger". Don't pause for an answer, just move the conversation on. The seed will have been planted but there is no expectation that she will really consider it.