to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

I absolutely adore my niece and would happily have her stay for a couple of weeks while she found her feet in a strange (and large) city but NO way for 2 years.

It sounds as though this was the daughter's intention all along, otherwise why else apply for the role? The salary would have been on the job advert.

If your sister had wanted this, she'd have offered. Her response is very clear - and the fact that she doesn't even even suggest that your daughter come over for lunch or tea & cake or supper indicates that she doesn't intend to entertain your daughter (or her friends).

Seriously, part of being 22 is having fun with people your own age and she'll get a lot more out of this move to London if she stands on her own two feet and grabs the opportunity. Tell her to stop dreaming of hijacking somebody else's houseand to look at places in SE London or away from the centre (Ealing is quite far out anyway).

Oh I'm dying to know how this pans out!

I would suggest to dd that she ask for a 3 month rent while she finds her feet but nothing more.

There are posts on here all the time (especially over Christmas!) from people with their relatives staying saying how bloody awful it is. Generally, house guests are just about tolerated for about 3 days and drive people mad for much longer. When people have relatives to stay for 10 days-others are aghast that they agreed to such a long visit!

This is your sister’s home-I can’t see what she has got to gain from having a relative in her house for 2 years-it would drive me bonkers!

Your latest update suggests your DD hasn’t really tried to find something she can afford as she fancies living in a nice house in a nice area. Your sister obviously doesn’t fancy having her there or she would offer. If it were me, I’d probably offer, but your sister hasn’t. Your Dd needs to really look at a grotty house share in a grotty area if that’s what she can afford. It’s what young people do. She’ll have a better time anyway.

I agree that your DD needs to look at www.spareroom.co.uk, it's what most people do when they're on £20k or so. It does mean that rent and travel take up most of your budget, but it's doable. Get a bike or take the bus rather than the Tube. Packed lunches rather than buying lunch, cooking rather than take-aways etc.

I've just had a look online, she can rent a single room for £450 bills included near Ealing (Manor Broadway). Not too bad, eh?

@cardibach when was the update? I can't see it!

There’s no real harm in asking but your daughter does sound like she needs to lower her expectations.

world I misread the page count on the thread! It’s the one from page 1 where she says the DD has set her heart on the aunt’s house!

tumbleweed

I'm guessing OP hasn't got the required response ("Of course DSis should let your DD live with her rent-free for 2 years, holding parties for her friends every weekend") and as a result will never return to the thread.

Bloody hell that inviting friends round part. How presumptuous

Is your sister close enough to you to know about the job offer? If I was the aunt I would offer, but would have also been involved in the discussions about options.

If your sister and your daughter don’t know each other well it is a huge thing to ask. Living with someone else would have a massive impact on your sister, and your daughter don’t sound overly mature so it’s not it clear that she would be good company for your sister.

Could you ask your sister advice on places your daughter could rent at a reasonable rate in the area.

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc. The idea came from her, although she doesn't see her aunt that much so she asked me to think about it and intercede on her behalf.

Oh dear. Your DD is showing clear signs of emerging cheeky-fuckery, OP. She doesn't see much of her Aunt but has "set her sights on" her house and is already planning on using it for social gatherings? Please don't put your Dsis on the spot like this. It would be very unfair.

At 22yo your DD is young and it's not unreasonable that you would want to help her out, but she's old enough to start learning some life lessons. A good first lesson being that nobody is going to hand you a lovely four bed house in Ealing, that's something you have to work hard for. A few years spent in house-shares with other young professionals who are also just starting out and on a similar wage to her will do your DD the world of good. It will encourage her to be more independent and will give her something to strive for if she wants her own place someday.

Look at spare room there are lots of house shares for varying budgets. Unfortunately if she doesn’t make enough she might need to look into getting a bar job or a Saturday job. I had to top up my crap salary by working Saturdays in a shop for a year. It’s tough but doable and actually it was really fun to live in student style digs in London. I made loads of new friends and it was a good experience.

I think you could ask your sister if she might be willing to put your daughter up for a few weeks whilst she was house hunting but I think anything more would be too much to expect.

she'd enjoy having friends round etc

Yes, I'm sure a 50+ year old woman would just love to have a bunch of uni students hanging out around her personal space.

Your dd is being lazy and sounds like she just doesn't want to rent a room in a house share or put in any of the elbow grease required to live on her own in London on a low salary.

Wow, the pair of you have more neck than a giraffe. I thin the 'lunch and shopping' comment says it all. You need to tell your DD she needs to find her own accommodation. I love my 22-year-old niece and I'd ask to have her stay, but, we've been close all her life and she's no pisstaker.

Your sister lives alone for a reason and your DD sounds like a lodger from hell, just wanting to use her aunt. It's a helluva cheek to have already put herself there 'as a base' (it's her aunt's home!) and inviting friends round.

OP has got the message I think

When I moved to the UK I had no idea what parts of London were good/awful/ridiculous commute so I asked a relative if I could stay with them while I got myself sorted. I made it clear that it was short term and I would move as soon as I found a place. I offered them money but they wouldn't take it. I was there for about 2 months and it worked really well but I was very considerate, kept my room clean, spent a lot of time out of the house looking at areas and houses, helped with the cooking and cleaning and did lots of babysitting. I continued to see them regularly after I moved out and we're still close even though I don't live in London any more.
I agree with others, your sister's comment about lunches and shopping is a clear message that she doesn't want her as a house guest and your daughter's attitude doesn't sound conducive to it working out. It's perfectly possible to live in London on a small wage, you just have to look further out in the less naice suburbs, budget well (and stick to it!) and socialise at home or at free events (the museums are great for this).

Of course she likes the location etc... Ealing is very nice but (and I speak from experience), the fact is she is unlikely to be able to afford to live there unless it's in her Aunt's house! Is she planning on paying her Aunt rent? Because rent for a room in Ealing isn't likely to be cheap and she should expect to pay the going rate - IF her Aunt says it's okay to stay there at all.

You say that the salary for this job is not enough to sustain your DD... be honest though - do you mean not enough to cover rent, food, bills etc... or do you mean not enough to cover all that plus luxuries, lots of nights out, etc... perhaps the standard of living she has been enjoying while not having the responsibility of paying for lodgings, bills etc...? I lived in London in my early 20's on a very low salary and yes, it is entirely doable in a houseshare/flatshare... but I very quickly and harshly leaned that I was going to have to economise and that a "nice" lifestyle in London was something to be earned. Unless you're the child of a millionaire already living in London, chances are you're going to spend at least the first few years in accommodation that isn't ideal and learning how to prioritise your money. There are great opportunities in London but working your way up is not glamorous or easy - you have to prove yourself. Many people I worked with had second jobs - bar work at the weekend - to top up their salaries.

While your DD's Aunt may be willing to have her to stay for a little while (I think 2 years is far too long - it should be a very VERY temporary thing at most while your DD finds something more permanent).... the fact is it's simply delaying the inevitable, which is, that your DD will have to face up to the reality of living in London. The best thing she can do is knuckle down, find somewhere she can afford (a houseshare is most likely - I did it for years), and work hard to prove herself so she can get into better opportunities and better salaries.

and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

That is not how being a lodger works. Your DD needs to live in the real world.

I would have a 22 yo niece to stay for a month or so while she found her feet in a new city. But I would expect her to ask me herself.

Would this really work out cheaper than a house share anyway?

it goes without saying that I'd expect my daughter to pay her way at her auntie's house!

I wonder if the daughter feels the same way?

I'm struggling to get my head around a 22 year old being unprepared to ask for herself, but if this was arranged at OP's request, how's that going to work if the aunt needs to discuss any issues with the DD in future? Could the DD be able to hack this, or would she be asking OP to handle yet another issue, probably with cries of "it's not faaaiiirrr"?

OP, you must be so proud to have raised such an entitled CF! First of all, a 22 year who apparently scored a great job is old enough to ask herself. I take it you did not do the job interview for her. Secondly, your sister already said no! The message is pretty obvious and one that everyone living in London tends to trot out. Yeah, it would be lovely to see you once you are in London, let’s meet for lunch, coffee etc. It’s code for DO NOT expect to crash at my place! Your DD can afford a place in London, she will just have to live within her actual means and not just expect to move straight into a lovely place without having earned it!

Your DD sounds fairly entitled! But you can always ask your sister just in case. It’s a big commitment from her though, and would have the whole dynamic of her home.

We almost had a similar thing foisted on us. DCousins DD has come to stay with us a couple of times - they live abroad but our location is en route to the country she was headed to for studying. DNeice was very nice, but very much a kidult in her early 20s. Very happy to host her for visits, but she was a secret eater so loads of crumbs in the bedroom and was a fussy vegetarian so wouldn't say what she ate ( hence the secret eating I think). Plus she had a propensity to leave the front door unlocked and despite saying that she was missing her dog and wanted to spend time with ours, any time I came home she was holed up upstairs and DDog on his own downstairs.

All fine for a short break, but then at Christmas got a card from Dcousin saying that Dneice was thinking of studying in our city and was looking forward to staying with is as we'd looked after her so well before . Thankfully it hasn't come to pass as yet.