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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
jacks11 · 23/03/2019 17:17

Mayflower

What she did was not "cruel"- she came across as angry and bitter, I grant you. Was it unwise? Absolutely. Ill advised? Yes. But not cruel or evil. Or even "hideous" or "toxic". It was absolutely not the right way to handle the matter, and I agree is more likely to lead to the letter being ignored than a neutral letter/message stating "is this x? I am looking for a lost family member/my estranged father and I think this might be him?"

If OPs father has started a new life and not told his partner about his children, if she then finds out about it because OP is trying to track him down- that's on him for not being honest with his new partner (assuming they've been together for a long period of time). If his partner is aware he abandoned a previous family, then she should not be 100% surprised that if they turn up at some point in the future. I'm not judging her for being with OPs father if she does know- I'm just saying common sense dictates that his children may want to seek him out at some point (or they might not) because it's not that uncommon.

sagradafamiliar · 23/03/2019 17:20

Ineed you've been incredibly dignified here and taken everything on the chin. Fair play to you!

americandream · 23/03/2019 17:22

@Ineedaweeinpeace

Agree with the posters saying it may be a good idea to message again and say how sorry you are for the initial message. As a number of people have said, this was a cruel and mean thing to do to an innocent women, but I get that you are hurting (as I said much earlier in the thread.)

Just say your emotions and anger got the best of you.

Why not? You can't make things any worse really.

americandream · 23/03/2019 17:24

OP, this woman would not have blocked you earlier, because you can't block an account that doesn't exist! (You deactivated it after sending the message remember?) Wink

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2019 17:27

OP, why are you torturing yourself looking at this man's photo of his dog and relating it to the one you had growing up? Don't do that to yourself.

I understand why you sent the message, even if it wasn't perhaps the best message to send, you were/are angry. The worst of it now is that you probably won't get a reply and, if the objective was to keep up a dialogue rather than vent and let go, I think you'll be hankering after this for a while and it will be painful.

I had a shit dad too. I honestly wish that he'd abandoned us as young children, my life would have been so different. I'm not trying to minimise your obvious pain, just letting you know that you aren't alone in the shit-dad department. I'm sorry for you and I hope you have plenty of RL support. Thanks

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 17:29

@americandream are you insinuating that I’m lying? I think that’s unfair. I assure you I’ve been very honest and as I said I’m very sorry for what I’ve done so if anything I expect a very harsh response.

OP posts:
americandream · 23/03/2019 17:32

No, I'm not insinuating you're lying. I am just pointing out that you could NOT have been blocked if you you deactivated your facebook after sending the message! Because you can't block a non-existent account.

americandream · 23/03/2019 17:33

You said the woman had not blocked you, and I merely pointed out that she couldn't have blocked you even if she had wanted to, as you had deactivated the facebook account.

mayflower43 · 23/03/2019 17:37

What she did was not "cruel"- she came across as angry and bitter, I grant you

You may be right, Jacks11 however my definition of cruel is deliberately causing pain or suffering to another person. And I felt this letter could cause pain or suffering to the person to whom she sent the letter - especially as she herself may know very little/nothing about the situation. However, I stand corrected and your way of describing it is, on reflection, much better than mine.

americandream · 23/03/2019 17:38

Can't help but agree with you mayflower43

Lamplight5 · 23/03/2019 17:41

I’m at a loss as to what OP has done wrong here. She’s understandably angry with her father. He deserves her anger. Either his partner doesn’t know he’s a scumbag who abandoned his family, in which case she has the right to know, or she does know, in which case she can’t be surprised that his kids are pissed off & more fool her for being with him.

StrippingTheVelvet · 23/03/2019 17:42

Rubbish pretending it was a message sent in anger: every word was clearly deliberately chosen to inflict as much hurt as possible. Such a calculating and nasty thing to do.

Fairylightsandwine · 23/03/2019 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 17:45

I’m at a loss as to what OP has done wrong here. She’s understandably angry with her father.

Except she didn’t message her father even though she found his profile.

She has also said she messaged because she wants to hurt them. So purposefully messaging her, not to sort anything out but to cause upset to someone who she doesn’t know and who mightn’t have a clue about any of this isn’t great, is it?

Fairylightsandwine · 23/03/2019 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 17:53

You don’t really think that after all these years, with no desire or plan to continue to have contact, OP has done this woman a favour, do you?

If you got an angry, aggressive Facebook message from a stranger who then deleted their profile, would you feel like he or she had done you a favour?

Groovee · 23/03/2019 17:53

I'm so sorry you had a father like this.

My friend couldn't understand why her ex's new girlfriend could be with someone who could let his children down so much. I had seen the texts.

Then I met the new partner by accident. She was telling me that her partner was often stopped from seeing his children by his ex and that when that happened they would go away for the weekend to "get over his hurt". He missed out the part where he would text saying that he couldn't have the children that weekend, when the children were expecting to see their dad.

So you never know what's been said or been left unsaid.

I hope you get some sort of closure.

mayflower43 · 23/03/2019 17:57

You’d think she’d walked up and punched this woman in the face going on your reaction. It’s bizarre

My own personal opinion is receiving a message like this out of the blue, and maybe not understanding any of it, could well be as bad as being punched in the face. A message like that could cause distress to an innocent party. Obviously the OP does not know what the personal situation is with the person she wrote to - she could be ill, grieving, have anxiety, going through hard times or she could be a nasty piece of work herself - the fact is the OP (or us) do now know and maybe a lesson to all of us to treat everyone with respect, at least initially.

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 17:57

I promise you i sent it very quickly. My anger comes from a loneliness that I don’t think you can understand.

Every milestone in my life I’ve been alone. No one at my graduation but friends no one at my wedding but friends. To see him happy and surrounded by people feels unfair. And yes I’m unfair in wanting to break that I understand.

I have said I’m sorry. I hope she hasn’t got the message.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2019 18:03

It's shocking the amount of women who would not only shield the men in their lives of their responsibilities but would block attempts of contact and blame the wronged child. Shocking and....well, shit.

I couldn't agree more.

mayflower43 · 23/03/2019 18:05

I promise you i sent it very quickly. My anger comes from a loneliness that I don’t think you can understand

I am so sorry, OP, really sorry.

But I can understand, truly. I have no biological relatives at all now, no one who knew me as a child/my past, and it haunts me too. So I do understand. I will always be totally alone biologically also.

I too did the same as you. My feelings were for your father's partner, her life and situation, and not you. I did exactly the same by lashing out at you. Please forgive me.

You have learnt a lesson here, we all have, not just you. Thank you for what you have taught me today.

I hope she has not received the letter also.

I really, really wish you well x

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 18:06

I have said I’m sorry. I hope she hasn’t got the message

You have nothing to be sorry about. This situation is a direct result of your fathers abandonment, it's on him, not you.

Fairylightsandwine · 23/03/2019 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gitfeatures · 23/03/2019 18:08

Hurting other people doesn't make your own hurt go away.
Get some help to deal with your abandonment op, this bitterness will eat you up from inside.

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 18:15

I just don’t understand why the op didn’t message the man she believes to be her father.

She’s putting the responsibility on another woman to pass the message on and that’s just not fair.

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