To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

But it’s not down to his new partner. It’s not her fault. The op doesn’t know what she has been told for a start.

Presumably because the OP knows her father could just read and delete the message like it never happened and carry on with his happy new life in complete denial. Given his past, sounds likely.

But the woman who isn’t even a relation couldn’t? That seems unlikely!

But it’s not down to his new partner. It’s not her fault. The op doesn’t know what she has been told for a start

Well OP might just have let her know the truth if she didn't know. If it was me, I'd want to know.

Said sorry here or sent her a message saying sorry?

And I also don't have any biological family and my dad had dozens of affairs as well before he left my mother so actually I do understand the anger and loneliness. But I still think your message was unnecessary and callous. It's clear with how sneaky you are being with your language throughout this thread that you were out to cause harm, vindictively whilst acting poor me, it's someone else's fault.

Oh OP I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

You AREN'T alone. There are so many people who are not in touch with birth families, or don't have blood relatives. Far more that you'd think. It's commoner than you'd think to not be in touch too... in real life, people don't tend to talk about it though. On here, you see so many stories though!

How old are you? You still sound quite young, and you sound like you don't have a family of your own yet. OP, I'm in touch with some of my blood family but not my immediate ones, and my family is my DH and children, not any of them! I hope that you too will one day build your OWN family. xxx

Maybe send another message, so if she does read the first she'll read the second. Say you're sorry for the tone of the first, that it was sent in upset, and you just want to be quite clear that you felt an urge for information but you have no interest in wanting to see him or otherwise intrude on their lives.

I would be interested to hear the dad's story. Why has he not been in touch? Did he have a breakdown of sorts? Has he thought about his daughter everyday but as time has passed has it become harder to make contact? Perhaps talking to him could give you some answers as to why and help you move on.

My ex had a child who was the product of a one night stand. He had behaved badly as a 19 year old, as had the mother. He talked about the child a lot, always wondered about her but was scared about disrupting her life.

The DD did eventually get in touch and they developed a relationship of sorts. She didn't trust him, which was justified but at least she got answers about who she was from meeting with her bio dad.

YABU
That poor woman, I know you are angry but she absolutely did not deserve that message. For all you know she has no idea you even exist and you have implied that she is complicit in your fathers poor treatment of you.
You should send her a sincerely apology and start dealing with your father directly.
This is just more proof that Nothing good comes from FB.

Op, I'm sorry to ask again, but how old are you pleaSe?

I'm trying to work out if this is recent and that's causing your anger, or if this is something that happened much longer ago and is still causing you this kind of rage.

Either way though I think you need help to work your way through it, because the person you're hurting the most is you.

@IvanaPee

Except she didn’t message her father even though she found his profile.

She has also said she messaged because she wants to hurt them. So purposefully messaging her, not to sort anything out but to cause upset to someone who she doesn’t know and who mightn’t have a clue about any of this isn’t great, is it?

Exactly this. It's one thing to message the father, but the OP messaged the woman he is with (who knows nothing about what happened.) It was a cruel thing to do. I know the OP is hurting/upset, but it doesn't give her a free pass to be spiteful, mean, and hurtful to an innocent woman, and try and tip her life upside down...

@Gitfeatures

Hurting other people doesn't make your own hurt go away. Get some help to deal with your abandonment op, this bitterness will eat you up from inside.

Yep this exactly. The OP needs help, and needs to learn that hitting out and hurting other people to get her own back will not do her any good. It's clear she has been hurt, but what good will it do to lash out at innocent people and tip their lives upside down? How is it going to resolve the OP's issues?

@MumUnderTheMoon

YABU

That poor woman, I know you are angry but she absolutely did not deserve that message. For all you know she has no idea you even exist and you have implied that she is complicit in your fathers poor treatment of you.

You should send her a sincerely apology and start dealing with your father directly. This is just more proof that Nothing good comes from FB.

Completely agree.

As I said earlier, I am sorry that the OP is hurting, but many many people have been through lots of shit in life (and had people hurt them,) but they don't pull nasty tricks like this.

As I said to you before OP, you need to message this woman and tell her how sorry you are. And hopefully you haven't done too much damage, and affected her life at all. She doesn't deserve what you have done.

@Mayflower43

My own personal opinion is receiving a message like this out of the blue, and maybe not understanding any of it, could well be as bad as being punched in the face. A message like that could cause distress to an innocent party. Obviously the OP does not know what the personal situation is with the person she wrote to - she could be ill, grieving, have anxiety, going through hard times or she could be a nasty piece of work herself - the fact is the OP (or us) do now know and maybe a lesson to all of us to treat everyone with respect, at least initially.

Absolutely agree with this.

Holding anger and hate about the past and to people is like drinking poison and hoping it hurts someone else. You just end up hurting yourself.

it doesn't give her a free pass to be spiteful, mean, and hurtful to an innocent woman, and try and tip her life upside down...

Or rather, make her aware of the truth?

@goodwinter

Or rather, make her aware of the truth......

Who says it's 'the truth?' The OP doesn't even know if she has got the right man - and consequently, doesn't know if it's the right woman! She could cause a lot of trouble for someone, for nothing, just to 'get her own back' on the world. Basically unleashing her wrath on someone who doesn't deserve it!

She’s unleashed her wrath on the woman. Not the man, who deserves it.

I get it. Sometimes the easier way to hurt the person you want to hurt is to hurt other people around them.

If you know them, you know that hurting them directly doesn’t cause any pain to them.
As fucked up as that sounds. Sometimes when you’re in immense pain, lashing out is almost all you have.

Obviously the goal is to not care and to “live your life happily” but that’s not as easy as it sounds.

Do not beat yourself up about this. Is what I am trying to say, the fact that you regret it means you’re not a bad person.
X

People can be really silly on here and be way over the top about things that most people would just shrug off in real life.
Blowing things out of proportion is what I mean.

@Ineedaweeinpeace

You've had mixed messages on here. You've responded admirably and taken feedback on board about the rashness of your message.

But I want to say... you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. Abandonment is tough. No matter how many times you tell yourself that it isn't your fault, you feel angry and embarrassed that it's happened to you. Robbed of a family that other people just have. It honestly says more about him than it doesn't you and things like this help us to reflect and become better people and better parents to our own. Good luck x

@fairylightsandwine why on earth are you so invested in this thread? You are coming across as very rude and aggressive.

That poor woman, I know you are angry but she absolutely did not deserve that message. For all you know she has no idea you even exist and you have implied that she is complicit in your fathers poor treatment of you

That would be the fathers fault for not telling his DP.

Passive aggressive.

The partner has done nothing wrong.
Send a letter to him if you're bothered.

She replied and was kind. It is him she says there’s more to it. There probably is.

I don’t want to know it tbh. I’m broken dnough

I actually think you do want to know hence you made contact. Yes, it was also about inflicting hurt, but underneath you want to know. It's the only way you will move on from this and somewhere deep down you know this.