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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
Verynice · 24/03/2019 07:13

Well @Namechangex3 His partner has literally told the OP that there's more to the story....

OpportunityKnocks · 24/03/2019 07:42

How does the partner know what the op knows about the situation? She doesn't!
I hate this 'there's more to it' and no explanation. It's not fair on the OP. It's saying 'you're wrong and it's not for me to say why'.

NameChangex3 · 24/03/2019 08:07

@Verynice and as I said I believe that could be true.

BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 08:09

She was very gracious and diplomatic. And she’s absolutely right. It’s not for her to get involved.

sagradafamiliar · 24/03/2019 08:11

Oh OP I'm glad the woman wasn't as spiteful as some of the posters here and replied, not leaving you not knowing. She sounds as reasonable as she could be in the circumstances.
As to your question, there are many, many women who support feckless fathers, men who cheat on their pregnant wives, men who fake tears over having 'no access', men who pay no child support, men who speak of their exes in terms of 'crazy bitches' ect ect ect. These men are never short of women. You often see them posting on here looking for ways they can justify their partners getting away with lessening their child maintenance. I think the truth is somewhere between 'not my problem' and being peddled lies by the men.

BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 08:14

There’s always three sides to every story.

Your side.

Their side.

The truth, which lies somewhere between the two.

Bluesheep8 · 24/03/2019 08:15

This is why I've never had anything to do with Facebook.

Billben · 24/03/2019 08:18

I’m trying to think how she could love this man?

Who are you to question that? Stop taking your anger out at this poor woman without even knowing the full story about why your father left. She was very diplomatic in her response, and yes, she shouldn’t be the one to tell you the full story. Lay off her.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 24/03/2019 08:27

You got a positive reply, that's encouraging.
So your choice now is to get in touch with your dad, or leave things be. The doors been opened.
Are you ready to hear what he might have to say though?

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2019 08:31

That was a very nice response from her. She is telling you there is more to the story.

And maybe there is, it could be anything from mental health to he tried and was blocked.

Do you wish to reach out to him op to understand it?

Verynice · 24/03/2019 08:33

You say in your message to her that all you wanted to know was whether it was him and whether he was alive. She has answered that.

You tell us here that what you really want to do is to hurt them. It doesn't appear that you have accomplished that.

So now where do you want to go from here? What do you want now? To still try and hurt them?

Might it be wise to hear his side of the story and then see how you feel?

Verynice · 24/03/2019 08:34

And fwiw, as an uninvolved spectator, this woman sounds lovely.

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 24/03/2019 08:45

So many women believe their husband's story of the 'crazy bitch ex wife'. Self protection I assume. Low self esteem thinking that a man who ditches a family is the best you can do. It doesn't really matter why she believes it OP. The issue is that your father spun the story.

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 24/03/2019 08:46

I’ve replied saying I won’t contact her again. Thank you for the response and apologised for my previous msg.

I’ve found him now so if I need to, as youve all said, i’ll contact him.

Again thanks for your responses.

OP posts:
BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 08:53

I think you should investigate counselling for yourself.

You have opened this box now and you’re not going to be able easily to close it again.

If you need to contact anyone in future, you can contact him.

I do think, however, you should be open to the narrative being different from his point of view, and be open to the possibility that you don’t know all the facts of what went on at the time he left.

LostInShoebiz · 24/03/2019 08:54

You have a real issue in that you keep focussing your anger on this woman. It’s her business alone how and why she loves him. If you’re angry at him leaving then direct the anger at him, not her, particularly given she’s proven herself to be kind and understanding despite your shitty message.

BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 09:01

She loves him because he’s been with her since you were 17 and she knows what happened from his point of view. And there was clearly something from what she said.

She loves him but she’s clearly not blind to his faults.

And she was very very kind and diplomatic to you in her answer, which says to me she’s a decent human being - which leads me to conclude that there is more to it than you have been told.

You have your narrative, from your point of view, based on your experience and what you know. And it’s clear you’re hurting. But she’s not the person to direct your anger at.

And I do think you need to be aware you’re not going to be able to close the Pandora’s box and you probably need support and help to deal with the emotions all this has thrown up.

MakeItRain · 24/03/2019 09:08

I think your reply to her was perfect. They will be shaken that you've been in contact and in some tiny way it is now you who is in control and "walking away".

I don't think there is ever an excuse to leave your children apart from severe mental health issues. Maybe he did have some sort of break down back then and felt unable to carry on a relationship with you? That's not dismissing the devastation he caused you by walking away though.

I hope you are able to find some peace Flowers

SoupDragon · 24/03/2019 09:12

there was more going on in the background than your Dad walking out on you.

As others have said, there is clearly another side to this story.

Vulpine · 24/03/2019 09:21

The woman is now enabling the father. She's in a position to help sort this dreadful painful mess out and right some of the wrongs done to his poor kids. But no - she sends a bland trite message saying there is more to it. She is as much of a coward as the father. I'm sorry this has happened op Flowers

Verynice · 24/03/2019 09:21

I'm always wary of the version that the man's narrative is always the wrong one. I witnessed, as a teenager, my parents separation. What my mother told my younger sister and what was the actual truth (as witnessed by my own eyes) were worlds apart. And I mean lies, lies, lies.

My father didn't know what to do (he had left to be with another woman - and they're still together 25 years later) as my mother wouldn't allow him to see my younger sister - apart from 1 hour on a Saturday morning - which she wanted to happen in the family home - but agreed with legal intervention to permit to being 2 hours in my Dad's company alone. My 18 year old advice to him at the time, was to accept that, as if he battled it, I knew my mother would torture my dsis over it as she was already torturing me over visiting my Dad (my dsis has never in 25 years set foot in his new home or met his partner).
So sometimes, the narrative from the mother can be absolute lies.

While my father was completely wrong to have an affair, my mother literally physically and emotionally abused him all our lives.

BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 09:25

My ex’s narrative is that I walked out on my children and left them with him. What a bad mother I am.

I did walk out, after years of financial, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I was broken, with no self esteem. He promised to keep them until I had found a place and got on my feet.

Needless to say, he lied, and without going in to all the gory details I had to fight to get access to my kids.

Would you castigate me? Or allow me to say “there’s more to it than that”?

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 24/03/2019 09:29

I had to fight to get access to my kids.

So not at all the same?

There is no way a mother could have stopped him seeing his 17 year old if he wanted to.

If the mother was sexually abusing him (I doubt it) it's even worse if he disappeared and didnt fight to see they were safe.

SparkofJoy · 24/03/2019 09:29

I couldn't be with a man that abandoned his kids. His poor mum didn't know where he was or if he was alive? He is despicable and not worth an ounce of your time.

Your pain comes through in your message and you really need to talk to someone. I struggled after having my baby because it brought back all of the pain. I also hurt for my lo because it felt like it was all happening again. It wasn't though and I am a much better parent than my own were/are capable of being.

Be kind to yourself.

Vulpine · 24/03/2019 09:29

One might think there was a way for the father to rebuild his life without his kids spending theirs feeling abandoned.