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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
itswinetime · 24/03/2019 00:20

Of course she thinks there is more too it she would have in order to be with him! She's doesn't seem like a awful person to have responded but that doesn't mean she's right either!

But For what it's worth I think your right to not get any further involved! What he did was hurtful and wrong maybe there is more to it than you know, but I think it's telling he has chosen to let someone not involved reply instead of talking to you himself!

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 24/03/2019 00:24

I don't know how old you are but the fact that he hasn't got in touch now that you are an adult is all you need to know. Theres no more to it.

So many men have excuses. How many women do you know gave up being a mother withiut a fight? So many stay in awful relationships to avoid the risk of losing their children.

It was kind of her to respond. At least you know now.

OrangeJuiceandArmchairs · 24/03/2019 00:26

I've read your posts OP and I'm just really sorry for you. There's just no winners in this situation. Thanks

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 24/03/2019 00:55

Hi x, thank you for reaching out to me.

I think in your heart you already know the answer to your question. But before I answer I think you should know that there was more going on in the background than your Dad walking out on you.

He is not totally innocent, he can & is a stubborn sod! But I know that he loves you, X & X very much and still talks about you often.

It’s not my story to tell. That needs to come from you all when & if the time comes.

So to answer your question he is your Dad & he is alive & well.

I hope this helps you & although I am not the right person to tell his story if you need to reach out please do.

So she clearly knew he’d andoned us. What justifies it then? I’m trying to think how she could love this man?

OP posts:
Dramatical · 24/03/2019 00:56

Stop directing your anger at her

itswinetime · 24/03/2019 01:17

It was a nice response from her she doesn't seem like a bad person. But wether she is blinded by love or just a bit gullible we all know you are right there is no reason for he did.

Why she loves him is irrelevant! The question is do you want to hear his side? If you do reach out to him. It will have to be calm and without accusation if you want a reply. Anger can come later but if you want to hear his story I suggest something like,

'I tracked you down though x she says there is more to what went on than I know and I'm interested to here your side so please can you tell me what happened?'

But you may not you may think actions speak louder than words? I haven't been in your shows but I have had something similar with by dad to me it's easy to say to people how much he loves me and my brother, it's easy for him to rewrite history so he is the victim but I was there I lived it and I live with all the choices he has made that have showed we are the bottom of his list. So I choose not to listen anymore, it's bad for my self esteem it's bad for my mental health and he isn't worth it!!

Have a think about what you need it sounds like you might still be in the period of needing answers and even if it's a load of bullshit maybe you need to hear it so you can know 100% he isn't worth it. But do it for you do what is best for your mental health going forward his side only matters if it helps you in some way.

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 01:24

*If I received that, I wouldn't respond, I'd assume you were a bitter, twisted, stalking, unhinged fruit loop."

Bit OTT don't you think? She didn't threaten anyone, she's just looking for her dad.

I would definitely reply to you if you sent me that message. I would be absolutely horrified my partner could walk out on his family like that (if it turned out it was him!). I'd be angry at him, not you.

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 01:27

Yeah yeah, "it's nothing to do with his new partner". OP, I tracked down the man who abused my mum and caused all type of heartache for my family, the man I thought was my dad... He had a new partner and a kid and was happy, and you know what? He didn't deserve it. So I told his new family everything, they were mortified. I don't regret it either.

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 01:29

I don't see how your message to that woman was offensive in any way, you didn't insult her or anything. Weird.

Dramatical · 24/03/2019 01:39

She didn't threaten anyone, she's just looking for her dad.

'Hi, I'm just trying to trace my dad. He is X and used to live in Y, the last I heard he was working at LMNOP uptown, is he your partner?'

^ that is how you innocently look for a person.

Dramatical · 24/03/2019 01:40

I don't see how your message to that woman was offensive in any way, you didn't insult her or anything. Weird.

You really can't see that it was inappropriate Hmm

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 01:41

The "as you may know/as I'm sure you are aware" tone was the only part I thought a bit rude/presumptuous, the rest was fine. Doesn't take much h to reply with "no sorry it's not him" or "yes it is, what a prick etc"

SD1978 · 24/03/2019 01:42

Sorry- but (understandably) this is quite an aggressive toned message. You clearly (again understandably) have a lot of hurt and anger about your dads crappy behaviour. This isn't conciliatory or neutral. I wouldn't reply due to not knowing how rude the follow up would be, as the person sending it is clearly still highly angry.

SD1978 · 24/03/2019 01:46

If she had replied whilst your account was deleted- the message wouldn't have been received as your closed the account- so no guarantee there that there wasn't a reply. I get why your angry and hurt. I really do. But focus on what you have, and not what you don't xxx

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 24/03/2019 02:03

So she clearly knew he’d andoned us. What justifies it then? I’m trying to think how she could love this man?

This is just what every one was saying, you are taking the hurt and bitterness out on her not him. I get it, he did a terriable thing and your hurt. But why or how she loves him isnt explainable to you because you're blinkered by your pain. The person she sees is not the person you see. You see a man who walked out on you and thats all you see, she sees a man who talks about you and your siblings and to her loves you. And do you know what the reality is probably neither of you are wrong.

Yes he was wtong and a total bastard for walking out and not getting back in touch, but maybe things weren't all tjey seemed. And your angry at the wrong person its not her fault hes a bastard

Or of course he could have spun her a lins and shes fallen for it hook line a sinker. But you shouting and screaming at her isnt going to make her go oh i dont love him any more his daughters got in touch. In fact its going to make her think oh look the ex wife has posioned the kids against him hes right and cling to him even more.

LoudJazzHands · 24/03/2019 02:07

OP, regardless of whether or not you want to know more I think you should still reply and thank her for replying to your message.

itwaseverthus · 24/03/2019 02:24

Ineedaweeinpeace my heart breaks for you reading this. Please take a few days to think things over before replying. I just get a feeling there is a lot more to come and it would be better for you to take it slowly. The reply was quite kind considering the angry tone of your message, which I totally get of course! I would be angry too!!. But you will catch more flies with honey as they say. If you need answers, and I know you do, take it slowly. Let it unfold. It will be easier in the long run too. I so feel for you. I am sorry you are going through this, truly. Lots of love, I hope you find a good resolution.

PregnantSea · 24/03/2019 05:11

YABU I'm afraid. Your message doesn't need to contain anything about him walking out on you and how hurtful it was. You are simply trying to identify him, at this point. Also are you absolutely sure that it is your father? You need to be very certain of that before you launch into the personal stuff.

If the purpose of your message is to upset him and his partner as revenge then fine, I can understand why you're angry, but just be honest with yourself about what you're doing. It's an unpleasant message designed to cause trouble. It probably won't get a response.

PregnantSea · 24/03/2019 05:15

Oops, just seen she has replied!

I think that was a very nice message from her. It's up to you what you do from here. If you really want to get to the bottom of this then you have to contact your dad. Personally I wouldn't bother but it sounds like you want some answers from him and I suppose you have nothing to lose by asking.

Verynice · 24/03/2019 06:06

Her reply was very gracious. But you're not happy with that either! What do you want here? Blood?

OpportunityKnocks · 24/03/2019 06:24

Op, there will have been years of him and her convincing themselves that he did the right thing for the right reason. You will be interrupting that narrative and they will hold onto it as much as possible despite it being an awful thing to do and inexcusable.

Get his contact details and have it out with him. Get some support (like counselling) because this is going to be hard and very emotionally consuming. I say this as someone who hasn't long confronted her 'father'. I'm suffering badly and it's really hard.

motherheroic · 24/03/2019 06:31

You got your response. Now either move on or get in contact. Personally it's clear you need to get in contact to lift this burden you've been carrying.

MidniteScribbler · 24/03/2019 06:34

You really need to decide what it is you want OP, and I think you need some counselling to get there. You sound angry, which is justifiable, but you don't sound ready to hear answers, you just want someone else to hurt as much as you do. I really think the only response that would satisfy you is to hear that she has left him now that she knows the 'truth' because then you would feel that you have been able to hurt him. But you're intruding on someone else's relationship, when you have no right to do so. By all means, contact your father and ask for answers, but only if you are ready to hear some things that may not fit with the narrative that you have grown up with.

Verynice · 24/03/2019 06:51

But before I answer I think you should know that there was more going on in the background than your Dad walking out on you.

Did you read that bit of her reply OP?

NameChangex3 · 24/03/2019 07:08

If he left after his father died, maybe he had a nervous breakdown - and then felt too ashamed to get back in contact. I'm not excusing his actions but I do believe there could be more to the story.