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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 23/03/2019 13:28

OP i am a little confused, you posted asking if you wer U to be upset/cross etc with your dh behaviour and lots of posters have said no your not, his behaviour is quite extreme and for me utterly selfish whatever the reasons, yes you then came back and said you benefit from the marriage, divorce would be to everyone's detriment and you'd rather work round the issue .

so not sure why you asked us then...working round it seems to me just letting it continue with him doing what the hell he pleases and you doing the parenting ...so if you are ok with that go right ahead, a bunch of internet strangers cannot tell you you are wrong to to but sont then post asking us if you are U to be pissed off and upset...you know our answer to that !

teaisabrew · 23/03/2019 13:28

Is there anyway you can go out and lock him out ?

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2019 13:28

He won’t be back til 3 or 4? Why? Wtf is he doing (bar failing to parent his dc)?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 23/03/2019 13:29

@BigFatGiant you have a very transactional view of marriage, which is different to my own. I'd be resentful if my husband had form for disappearing. I get that children are exhausting, but they are for you too, you identify he's selfish and seem ok with that for the time being, given the practical and sexual benefits of the relationship. Fair play at least you have your eyes wide open. I hope when the time comes you get a hefty divorce settlement.

user1480880826 · 23/03/2019 13:31

That’s not normal behaviour and I wouldn’t put up with it if it was my husband. He has two children and thinks he can go on massive nights out every 10 days? That’s totally unreasonable. It’s also unreasonable that he is spending so much money on hotels without consulting you.

Personally I would be quite suspicious.

ToeToToe · 23/03/2019 13:35

I haven't RTFT, but to answer your question - I would be extremely pissed off with my DH if he did this - unless, that is, I didn't actually like him, and preferred him being away.

I think there is every chance he is seeing another woman/women - but the fact is, even if he isn't, he has opted out of family life with you and his young children. He is deliberately missing out on time with his dc to laze around in hotels (or whatever!) That is not acceptable at all.

Original poster
StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 13:38

Theredjelly
I didn't say those things. I think you have confused me with another poster.

He's still not back. My eldest son was just in tears because he can see I'm stressed out and he's not happy either.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 23/03/2019 13:40

Wow, what a little weasel he is.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 23/03/2019 13:43

He's a selfish arsehole, and chances are good that he is indeed seeing various other women while he's off enjoying himself and leaving you to deal with the children.

See a solicitor. Protect yourself by getting yourself checked out. And start gathering paperwork about financial situation, etc.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 23/03/2019 13:43

His behaviour is upsetting your children. Proof or not of anything else, just the fact that your children are suffering would be enough for me. It’s absolutely unacceptable.

RightOnTheEdge · 23/03/2019 13:43

theredjellybean It was BigFatGiant who wants to work around her selfish husband, not the OP.

OP I wouldn't worry too much about him getting 50/50 would he really want it? It would get in the way of whatever it is he is doing with his life.

I hope everything works out for you. I too have an ex who just carried on acting like a single teenager while I was always at home doing the parenting.

betterbehomesoon · 23/03/2019 13:43

This behaviour is rude and disrespectful to you and the kids - his phone shouldn't be off, he should let you know where he is and that he is ok. And tbh - he should be at home after a night out (once every 10 days and i'd be losing my shit at him!). What kind of father and husband does he think he is being to you. And this is actually what my husband said to me when we discussed it - your husband needs to up his husband-game.

I'd be sitting him down and asking him exactly wtf is going on and laying down some expectations of what being in this relationship is or he is really that invested in living a life with you.

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 13:45

Fluorescent
His commute includes driving to the train station. If he has 2 drinks (?) or more he can't drive I assume. He's not a massive drinker but may have 1 or 2. He says he stays out as last train is 10pm, can have a couple of drinks etc.

OP posts:
Creamwhite · 23/03/2019 13:46

How would I feel about it?
It would not happen in my family. My dh is as much a parent as I am.

teaisabrew · 23/03/2019 13:47

Are you still in ? Go out, don't wait in for him

lablablab · 23/03/2019 13:47

So what on Earth is he doing now till 2/3pm pm?! Why is he not straight home in the morning?! Why does he need to stay out in a hotel every 10 days if he's not drinking much?! Where is he and what is he doing ffs?!

I don't understand OP, I'm really confused?! Confused This all makes no sense at all. I wouldn't put up with this for a second longer!

Tell him he's not to stay out again because it's upsetting you and it's upsetting his children and he needs to take responsibility for being a good husband and a good father.

When he comes home ask him where he stayed, ask him to show you the booking on his phone.

This is as dodgy as fuck! I'd be epically raging!

Original poster
StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 13:48

He said he had a lie-in (first time ever!!) and then was planning on doing a spot of shopping.
WTF

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 13:50

I am thinking of telling him that if he goes out on Tues and stays out as planned then that's it.
Is this abandonment at all?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 23/03/2019 13:50

How much would a taxi home cost? Surely less than hotel rooms, the only time I hear of this is big xmas nights out where hotels are booked. His behaviour is ridiculous.

teaisabrew · 23/03/2019 13:50

He does it because he gets away with it

betterbehomesoon · 23/03/2019 13:50

I would be thinking the worst right now .... sorry. Is there anyway you can go to him?

qazxc · 23/03/2019 13:51

So you and his kids are clearly upset and he wants tohave a browse around shops now! Shock

Verynice · 23/03/2019 13:52

If he checked out at 11am and say he has an hour and a half commute, he could have been home by 12.30pm. Yet he's not. So I would say that he didn't stay at a hotel last night.

exparrot · 23/03/2019 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 13:53

Crossed posts. A spot of shopping? Lol. That what they call it these days?

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