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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/03/2019 12:11

What does he do for work OP? I can't imagine he'd be able to facilitate 50/50 shared custody unless his job is very flexible and if that's the case then it begs the question, why are you the one doing everything for the kids?
As pp have said though, you don't need to worry about that right now. I would focus on doing some digging for evidence and getting your ducks in a row ready to LTB.

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/03/2019 12:13

His devices are all face ID? Have you got a pic of him? Cheeky DS accessed his sisters phone by putting a pic of her on his phone up to it. It might work!

ButtonMooooon · 23/03/2019 12:15

Even Face ID have a back up pass code for iPhones/iPads

Merryoldgoat · 23/03/2019 12:16

For me, I know this would be frowned on, but I’d be looking at whether I could follow him and find out what the fuck is going on.

If my husband was cheating I’d want to know - it would drive me mad.

BeanBag7 · 23/03/2019 12:16

Why would he go for 50/50 custody when he can't even be bothered to see his kids half the weekend when you're together?

Do you know what hotel he stayed at, can you phone there directly? Also most hotels you have to check out by 11 so where is he now?

cuppycakey · 23/03/2019 12:17

Tbh OP you don't actually need "evidence"

The few things you have posted about him already would constitute Unreasonable Behaviour which is what most people use as grounds for divorce.

If you are unhappy (and who wouldn't be) you can leave. No need for all the Miss Marple stuff. Just see a solicitor, go armed with as much financial info as you can (pensions/savings/shares) and see what they think the outcome would be.

I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised. Although I also suspect you will tell us you have no access to financial info......

mummymeister · 23/03/2019 12:17

OP, take the kids out now and stay out, all night if you can. book yourselves into a hotel, make it an adventure and turn all phones and devices off so when he eventually rolls home he will have no idea where you are.

book the solicitor for Monday, get the friend to sit on Tuesday and at least by Wednesday you will have a better idea of where this is all going. Make a plan OP. he certainly has.

pouraglasshalffull · 23/03/2019 12:17

I agree with comments that you need to keep your cards close to your chest and gather evidence. You have a bit of time to calm down before he comes home and get a bit of a plan together. Is there anyone you can trust to look after DC one night when hes away? I'd seriously go to the hotel car park and camp out there until he comes back in.

Don't fly off the handle and accuse him of being unfaithful- which I understand is difficult when people are already riled up. But this will just hint to him that you are on to him and he will be more cautious.

If, after some investigating, you think he isn't having an affair and he's just been a shitty dad/husband then tell him you have seen a solicitors. This may be a wake up call for him

If he is having an affair, tell him you are getting a divorce and thats the end of it

I'm sorry OP it doesn't look promising from the outside looking in, this is all far too suspicious

You are also entitled to a free consultation with any solicitors in the country. Pick the best one near you and request a free consultation. I think its half an hour you are entitled to. Best of luck

Margot33 · 23/03/2019 12:17

Sorry but that's weird. I would be going crazy If my husband was doing that. He goes out once every three months for a messy night out but always comes home around 2am. He always tells me to have a night out too. But If he said he wanted to stay at a hotel...I would be very, very suspicious!

Motherofcreek · 23/03/2019 12:18

Every ten days he stays out over night? Come on op take your blinkers off.

I doubt he’d go for 50/50 anyway.

I’d ask what hotel he was staying in and wait outside too.

Motherofcreek · 23/03/2019 12:21

Have you actually looked for proof?

Look for proof first before you challenge him incase he starts covering his tracks. If he has been doing this a while he will be really complacent.

b0bb1n · 23/03/2019 12:21

I'm sorry OP that you're having to deal with this, he really isn't being fair on you and the kids. Have you spoken to him before about how much it bothers you when he does this? He may just be a selfish jerk taking time to himself knowing you will do everything for the kids, but equally he may just truly not realise how it makes you feel and how selfish he's being - especially if you don't ever get proper 'me' time away. I don't think you need to fear or assume he's having an affair - I think you'd already have had a gut feeling for a while if that was the case. I think he just needs to grow up a bit and realise he's a husband and father who can't just go awol and leave you and your kids to wonder when he's coming home and if he's alright.

Strawberry2017 · 23/03/2019 12:21

It's not appropriate to do disappearing acts when you have a family.
Do you know which hotel he stays in, could you ring and ask to be put through to his room? X

Nnnnnineteen · 23/03/2019 12:22

I would almost rather think he was having an affair, than my husband did not want to be with his family to the extent that he wasted a lot of money hiding in hotels. Take this out if his hands and tell him to fuck off. Don't worry about custody, the man can't be bothered to hang out with his kids on a normal weekend.

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 12:23

I would not be arsed with someone who behaved like this.

Why are you putting up with it and for how long have you been putting up with it? What age are children..

LottieLou90 · 23/03/2019 12:26

I wouldn’t like this one bit.

I would be having a serious talk when kids are in bed and asking to see receipts etc if he refuses or makes up excuses then you need to decide where to go from there.

I hope it’s not that and a case of immaturity, both are shit and it needs to stop.

I’m all for partners having a night out here or there but staying out at hotels and turning phone off, and with children, is completely out of order.

Sorry you’re going through this Flowers

JaneEyre07 · 23/03/2019 12:28

It never ceases to amaze me what some women will tolerate in a relationship.

Would you let him tattoo "doormat" on your forehead too OP.

Because that's what he's treating you as.

Original poster
StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 12:29

We finally got hold of him. He responded to my DS's message saying he will be back around 2-3pm.

Within minutes of him responding I then called him up and he didn't answer. That to me says "oh sh!t, it's her" and he needed a minute to gather himself. He then called me back. TBH I did lose my sh!t on the phone and told him his behaviour is unacceptable.

All his bookings etc. are done at work or on his phone/ iPad with face id and a password I don't know. Not sure how I can get any evidence.

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 23/03/2019 12:30

He could totally be with another woman every time he does this.. how would you ever know?
Even if he's not it's a really shitty and disrespectful way to behave and you and your children deserve better.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 23/03/2019 12:32

I'm pretty laid back about these things in MN terms, but every ten days and he doesn't even drink much sounds almost blatant OP. It's almost like he's sneering at you and daring you to challenge him. Go to see a solicitor you don't need evidence, you want a divorce as he has no interest in his family, his absence and spending are unreasonable. When he comes home ask a few questions but don't make a huge fuss, let him think this going to keep on accepting this until you're in a better legal and financial position to serve divorce papers.

BigFatGiant · 23/03/2019 12:33

My DH has form for going off and disappearing for hours at a time/coming back really late the next day if he stayed out the night before. I can understand why he does it. He has a lot of work to do, he’s upped his exercise as he’s getting older, out you gchildren are exhausting, sometimes it’s nice to spend some time alone. But what about me? I have lots going on to. I don’t exactly enjoy taking care of our children either. Less so when we are stuck at home waiting around. I am not so selfish and always come home as early as I can. I have learned to just do whatever I want and not make plans with him so I am not extra inconvenienced by his selfishness. Long term I may just leave him once I don’t need him anymore. It’s not that I don’t love him, if anything I love him more than he loves me and I don’t like it when he takes advantage of that and I don’t mindwditing ten years or so to teach him a lesson especially if it means I don’t have to cause problems for myself now.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 23/03/2019 12:33

*you're going to keep accepting this

kbPOW · 23/03/2019 12:33

It sounds like it would be a miracle if he did EOW so I wouldn't worry too much about 50/50. You've been very passive about this OP. Have you not been either furious or suspicious about his behaviour?

TheInvestigator · 23/03/2019 12:34

sorry, but why aren't you doing the same? Every time he books a night in a hotel, you book a night in a hotel and make sure you do it when he will need to ferry to kids to and from activities. Don't ask his permission, just tell him. The same as he does to you. If he challenges you then throw his behaviour back at him. See how he likes it.

While you're doing that, start seeing a solicitor and get everything in order for leaving him.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 23/03/2019 12:35

@BigFatGiant that's really sad to be in that situation, eventually it will damage your confidence and self esteem if it hasn't already and it gives an appalling message to your DCs about what is ok in a relationship. If you have daughters would you like them to be treated that way?

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