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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
GirlcalledJack · 23/03/2019 13:53

Obviously you should change the locks and have his clothes/personal things ready waiting by the front door when he gets back!

I would imagine he would go for 50/50 and push for this, that and the other to do with the DC but when it actually comes down to it I don’t believe for a second he would actually have them 50/50 it would start as the odd excuse as to why he can’t see them that day then progress to probably only seeing them once/twice a month.

He sounds like an awful husband and father! Please don’t let your DC think this how a marriage works!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 23/03/2019 13:55

A spot of shopping?! Because that’s the best way to deal with an angry and upset family waiting at home. Disappear for a bit longer Confused

Passing4Human · 23/03/2019 13:56

A friend of mine whose husband was behaving like this - it turned out to be a gambling problem. She had absolutely no idea. He was hitting casinos into the wee small hours and crashing at hotels, so not drinking much either. Not saying it's that at all, just that there could be something going on that might not be the first thing you think of.

Could just be he likes time to himself. But then wouldn't we all (but we don't because you can't behave the way he's doing when you have kids and a partner at home in my view).

Boysey45 · 23/03/2019 13:57

Hes taking the piss out of you right in your face. Look love, hes fucking somone else. Hes not just staying out for nothing. You need to tell him your relationship is over and your getting a divorce.

Text him and tell him his clothes and gear are in bin bags in the garden.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 23/03/2019 13:59

I couldn't live like this

FilthyforFirth · 23/03/2019 13:59

Why why why why why do women put up with this? After the first time why didn't you tell him never again? I dont know any women in real life who put up with this shit. Seems to be a mn phenomenon!

SouthernComforts · 23/03/2019 13:59

God what a prick. I'd pack his stuff up and send him back to the hotel if he loves them so much. And him wanted 50/50 is laughable, he doesn't have them 50% of the time now, does he? I'd be surprised if he bothers at all.

katmarie · 23/03/2019 13:59

OP, ask yourself how he would react if you suddenly started going out like this and leaving him with the kids, every other week. Would he find it acceptable to be treated as the default parent in that way? Especially if it clashed with a night out he was planning?

I think everyone should be able to have a night out occasionally if they want to, but the way your husband has behaved is just hugely disrespectful and poor parenting.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 23/03/2019 14:00

christ! aside from everything else, how much is this all costing? 36ish times a year?? how much is a hotel room with late check out? plus his drinking money?

lablablab · 23/03/2019 14:02

A spot of shopping?! Is he having a laugh?! I'm incredulous! Shock

TapasForTwo · 23/03/2019 14:05

It sounds like he is behaving like a single man. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me.

BigFatGiant · 23/03/2019 14:07

@theredjellybean you’ve stumbled across my conversation with zippy

@zippybungleandgeorge I think we may just have very different outlooks. I do try to live my life rationally. I suppose that give everything a transactional quality when you keep your emotions out of your decision making. If I do end up divorcing him I hope I get a nice settlement too!

ShesABelter · 23/03/2019 14:07

Wow what the fuck is he playing it. Can't help but think there's more going on here. Totally unacceptable.

fizzandchips · 23/03/2019 14:08

Until now you have accepted it, so it has continued. Today you finally realised it is unacceptable TO YOU! That’s ok. It’s ok to say, it’s not ok and if it continues you will have to rethink your relationship.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/03/2019 14:09

I think he's trying to make you end it, so he can look like the injured party. Shortly after you dump him, he will "meet someone new".

eddielizzard · 23/03/2019 14:10

Disgraceful I'd go so far as to say. I don't think this is at all acceptable. He sounds extremely selfish. I also don't think you have to worry about 50/50 custody because he's far too selfish for that.

thenightsky · 23/03/2019 14:12

Bet he's not in a hotel. And a lie-in and some shopping? Nah. He's having a leisurely lunch somewhere is my guess.

Skittlesss · 23/03/2019 14:12

OP, don’t stay in waiting for him to turn up. Get your kids together and get out of the house. Don’t waste your time on this guy.

Skittlesss · 23/03/2019 14:12

Get out of the house as in go shopping, cinema, park, anything but sit in waiting

Weezol · 23/03/2019 14:12

cuppycakey is right. You don't need 'evidence' for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I cited my now XH's failure to return home from nights out in my divorce and neither solicitor nor judge questioned it.

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, see your children damaged and distraught?

I'd say forget the need for 'evidence', seek legal advice and think about the future for you and your children. It's up to you what this looks like - take back your power!

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 23/03/2019 14:14

I'd be sending him a message telling him to stay in his hotel as you've had enough and aren't accepting it anymore. IF he came back grovelling I'd then put him on the spot and want him to unlock his phone in front of me so I could make sure he's not having an affair (before he can delete stuff) and tell him his behaviour is screaming of it so I want to be sure before I discuss what happens next.

mummymeister · 23/03/2019 14:14

OP - why are you now asking if its abandonment? why does that even matter?

we cannot on an internet forum give you legal advice about the intricate ins and outs of any divorce settlement. a lawyer can do that.

why wont you go out for the day or longer and leave him to it?

Have you found a solicitor to call on Monday?

do you know why he does this OP? because he bloody can.

Call time on it now before your kids think this is the norm for a relationship. or he runs off with the other woman. or he infects you with some disease. or your self esteem hits rock bottom.

How many more years are you going to put up with this. Pathetic excuse about a lie in and shopping. so he would rather wander round the shops on his own than be with his own kids!! that should be telling you all you need to know about this man.

don't think your kids don't notice whats going on because trust me they do. if you wont do it for your sake then please do it for theirs. they deserve a better life than this, they really do.

pootyisabadcat · 23/03/2019 14:14

He's not a massive drinker but may have 1 or 2. He says he stays out as last train is 10pm, can have a couple of drinks etc.

Surely no one is this naive as to believe this?

This man doesn't give a fuck about any of you.

No, it's not 'abandoment', what he's doing, it's just unreasonable behaviour.

Because h'e s a cunt, like a lying, cheating, gambling, addict cunt.

'Spot of shopping', my arse. Spot of putting the blocks to his side chick , gambling or snorting coke or what not.

kbPOW · 23/03/2019 14:15

^ this, but maybe put 'hotel' in inverted commas!

Awrite · 23/03/2019 14:18

You are married to a selfish cunt.

Most of us can't imagine what this feels like (original question) as it wouldn't happen, let alone every 10 days.

You don't need evidence to divorce him. Just some self worth.