Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

[StressedAgain]

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

You poor thing, I'm glad you are starting to question things now.

By the way - you don't need to find a name (abandonment or adultery) its is unacceptable behaviour that has gone on for far too long.

Another option... is that he is staying out to cross dress in private.

Mumsnet speculation at its finest. No offence, but this had me literally LOL on the train 😂.

OP, he sounds like a shit husband. When you say you’d probably only get 50/50, do you mean of the house? If so, given that you’d be rid of him, I think that’s a bargain.

I could not live like this, it would make my life miserable, you deserve better. I would leave him. It definitely sounds like he is having an affair. either way I'd be gone.

Even if he isn't having an affair his behaviour is unacceptable.

How horrible of him. I find it suspicious too.
I would trick him into telling the truth. If you plan to kick him out, tell him to go to his "madame" and see his reaction then.

I’m interested in what he can s like the rest of the time with you and the family? Is he engaged and kind, caring, enjoying life? I wouldn’t be happy with the incommunicado bit at all. If there was an emergency I’d want my DH to be around, more than that he should want to be around if something happened to me or our children, not say deal with it on your own.

All you people telling her to leave! You do realise it's not that easy don't you 🙄
Start putting money away OP and look at your options
You need a way to support yourself when you finally get your self confidence back and find the courage to do what you need to do.

Start emotionally distancing yourself from him. Read up in 'doing a 180 and start living your life as if he's not part of it. You and your children can not rely on him at all so start living like he's not there.

V

The first thing to ask yourself is do you love him ... really or just scared of moving on?
Second is do you love yourself?
Third is how much do you love your kids?
Fourth ... Who in this family is being damaged by this set up?
Then imagine yourlife without this constant disappointment and suspicion for you and your kids.... he will still no doubt let you all down
But you can move on with someone new in time he puts you first .... good luck be brave and honest with your self ... show your kids that no one deserves to be treated like this and show them how to be independent and take control in their lives

I'm hoping that the OP isn't coming back to the thread because she's too busy chucking all her DH's belongings out of the bedroom window.

Agree with a PP above. It's prob either drugs, affair or prostitutes.

This really isn't normal. I speak from experience that you don't know the person you're with until you find out some truths.

There's no way this is above board and him just getting his head down in a hotel. 100% he's hiding something.

Go get yourself tested for STIs. It's not a horrible experience at all.

You need to find out what he's doing. You need to access his bank statements inc credit card bills. You'll probably find what you need to from there.

He's having an affair. sorry

Thanks for all the responses. There have been loads and I've been a bit overwhelmed.

As bugbabe says, it is not as easy as pack up his crap and chuck him out. That's not me making excuses. I have been thinking about it over this weekend.

If I chucked him out now I'd be up sh$t creak without a paddle. I need to take a bit of time to sort things out. I don't know how long that will be. It will be either when I can't take anymore (weeks or months) or when I feel like I've enough money together to sort us out. We owe some money on something that we are paying off rapidly. I can't afford half right now but could afford to pay half of watts left of it after a certain time IYSWIM.

He is on the crap husband spectrum. At one end he is a selfish bastard who wants to have his cake and eat it or he is at the other end of having an affair/ cross dressing etc. My gut says he is just s selfish twat, but if I am wrong I don't actually care so it is irrelevant.

I am not in a good place at the moment. He knows I am pissed off majorly with him, but he doesn't think I have the balls to do anything about it because he thinks I wouldn't rock my DC's boat. I wish I could get my game face on and look fantastic, not to show him what he is missing, but to show him that offloading him/ checking out on him has a positive effect on me.

There are only a few things I feel like doing at the moment. I do have copies of stuff (been collecting it for a few months now) and I've taken off my wedding rings etc. I feel like I need to step away slowly before I do anything drastic.

That sounds very stressful 😞. Take time to pause and work out what you want to do. Think about what you imagine a healthy relationship to be and whether your relationship has always been like it is now or if it has gradually changed. There is no issue with staying away overnight if it has been arranged and it’s what you both are happy with. It’s not about “getting permission” from a partner to be able to have a social life or have hobbies, surely it’s about mutual respect and a desire to want the other partner to be happy. How this happens is different between couples and can change over time. Open communication about both persons’ needs and where they are going is just basic information to expect. It’s not about keeping tabs on anyone. After a night out it would be normal to talk about where you were, who you met, any craic there was and just share with other the things that you do when apart. If you were away and there was an emergency with your kids then surely they would want you there, would they want him? How would he feel if one of your kids ended up in hospital and you couldn’t contact him, hospital staff told he was having one of his AWOL days which he has every 10 days and he doesn’t tell you where is. I’d say there would be red flags for them.
Relationships and partners needs change over time but in a healthy relationship communication is how everyone’s needs can be met and the desire to listen to each other is the key. Your oh sounds very defensive, not at all concerned that you are not happy with the dynamic. He sounds like he is more concerned with justifying his behaviour than listening or even apologising for the fact that his child was worries that something had happened to him.
Try to stay calm, gather all your information like dates he is away, how long he is uncontactable, kids wanting to contact him, kids worried that something has happened to him, the amount of information you have about where he is, how he just tells you when he is going to be away and doesn’t ask if it suits your plans, how you have no access to his phone/iPad, how engaged he is with your kids, how much time he spends in their company but not engaged with them even when they ask, how much you do for them. Contact Women’s Aid for guidance about how to proceed. If you were to give him any idea that you were thinking of leaving then it sounds like he possibly would be deleting any incriminating information. You have to be cleaver about this, regardless of whether you feel that there is a relationship to be salvaged or whether he is not being honest with you and you feel that there is no positive future ahead with him. This must be quite overwhelming but many people have been through this before and come out stronger for themselves and children, because they will be well aware of how their father treats their mother. Support like Women’s Aid will give you perspective on this, tell you just how inappropriate his behaviour is. Good luck, look after yourself, embrace your children and let your oh’s behaviour rebound off you as you look to a more positive future.

You're right. Evidence of affair Vs not is irrelevant. Its the amount of time away that is mental here.

he doesn't think I have the balls to do anything about it

And he seems to be right OP. It does come across that you don't have the balls to do anything about it. So you've taken off your wedding ring. Is that it? No wonder he treats you and your DC like this. Because you let him get away with it.

All I want to say is just take care of yourself OP.

I hope with all my heart you find the strength sooner rather than later to rid yourself of this person in YOUR life. Unfortunately, he will always be around because he is the children's dad - albeit a shit one right now.

Just think how much better your life will be when you can shut your door and know you don't have to wonder whether he will be home or not or who he is with etc.

You and your children deserve that kind of peace of mind and I hope you find that soon.

HundredMilesAnHour

"No wonder he treats you and your DC like this. Because you let him get away with it."

What a mean thing to say to the OP. Ignore this person please OP.

I've written and deleted so much I want to say to you HundredMilesAnHour but then I would be dropping to your level.

Why do you want to make her feel worse? Why can't you same something supportive - not everyone is the same and has "the balls" that you talk of.

Just be nice, it's not hard.

Do it by degrees - keep an eye on your financial situation as you go and the DCS. If you can't chuck him out now you'll need a long term plan - sounds like you are on track with this already. You also sound pretty strong! Good luck OP.

HundredMilesAnHour
He treats the op like shit because he is a shit human being. All of the fault lies with him, not with the op.

Since you are not in any physical danger, leave when it's best for you. For now, finish divorcing yourself emotionally (you've already started) and you'll find your game face soon enough.

Keep stashing cash and making copies of important records. Locate and hide important documents. But also, do see a solicitor to get a good legal picture of what you can expect financially in a divorce.

And do seek out RL support. Find one friend or relative you can trust to keep your confidences, and tell them what's going on.

OP - this must feel like total shit for you at the moment. you don't want to continue but you don't have the tools to go forward - YET. and that's the point, you realise that something has to be done but its going to take time and it really does. You have spent years being put upon by this dreadful man. He is relying on the fact that you don't want to rock the boat and upset the kids but now you see that staying with him is really upsetting the children and as they get older this realisation of how unacceptable his behaviour is will become more and more obvious to them. Kids notice things. they know when a situation isn't the norm and yours worked this out this weekend.

please go and speak to a solicitor. Please. it will help focus your mind on the things that you need to do in terms of collecting information and will give you something to aim at.

also, and I know you don't want to hear this, I would go and get STD tested because you have no idea what he has been up to and with whom.

this has to be all about you now - doing things your way, protecting yourself and whats important to you i.e the kids.

everyone on here who has been in your shoes or similar will tell you it takes a while to unpick a relationship. and also that generally its when the kids become affected that that becomes the last straw for them. really good luck to you OP. message me if you want some support.

Good, it sounds like you're working on separating. Have a date in mind to aim for, and get as much sorted as you can during this time.

You don't need evidence of an affair, his behaviour is unreasonable, and that's enough. Don't worry about access for now, cross that bridge when you leave. He's unlikely to want 50/50 care, as it would mean he can't just disappear, and he'd have to do a lot more parenting than he is now. He might try to use it as a threat though, to try to keep the status quo. Don't fall for it. He sounds like he'll be one of those dads who rarely sees their kids.

You do need to deal with your children's distress at his absences, and take their phones off them, distract them, etc. And you need to hide your distress, as it's affecting them.

Can we help you with any advice on how to split up with him? Lots of us have been through it. What plans do you have so far?

Sending you a massive hug. You need to decide for yourself what you do. And when you do it. None of us are living your life but want the best for you. It'll all be OK, tell a family member or friend what is going on, find out everything you need and make sure you get (or feel in) control as much as you can. It's not easy, it's not fun. But it's all going to be OK in the end, it might just take a while. I wish I could take you out for a coffee and a hug x

I don't have any plans really so far as this has only come to a head on Saturday. I am thinking that by the end of the year I need to have a better job (just working p/t in low level job at the moment) and I need to have improved my social life by joining some clubs and meeting new people as he and I don't really do anything together. I'd like to have some things in place, a social structure that I can carry on with afterwards.

My mindset have definitely shifted to what I want, my needs and protecting my DC.