Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

[StressedAgain]

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

How old are you children?

Fuck that noise.
I wouldn't put up with this for one second.

I'm not usually a suspicious type, but... If he's not a drinker, why is he going out so much? Once every ten days is ludicrous, is there anything else out of the ordinary? Really shit dadding also...

My husband does this a couple of times a year due to working so far away and I’m not that keen on it so I definitely couldn’t cope with every ten days or even every month. I’d feel quite suspicious to be honest

To say this is "a bit shit" is a massive understatement and makes me wonder what other appalling behaviour your DH gets away with.

Worst case scenario, he's being unfaithful. Best case scenario, he's just a selfish twat.
There is absolutely no way I would put up with this. A night out once in a while is fine, as long as both of you have the opportunity to go out regularly I see no problem with that. But to choose to stay in a hotel every time he goes out is just ridiculously self-indulgent and leaving you alone with the kids for half the following day with no indication of when he's planning on making an appearance, ignoring phonecalls and messages is completely out of order. What if there was an emergency and you needed to contact him? It's also bloody financially irresponsible, unless you're really wealthy and even then I'd be willing to bet you don't have access to an equal amount of money to spend on yourself, OP.

Is a hotel cheaper than a taxi?
Do you get to go out for a night and rock in whenever you fancy every 10 days?
I think you need a chat with him. Why are you taking on the lions share of the work with the kids? It sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it.

I'm shocked! But as an aside, why do you need more than 50:50?

Just called him again. No answer, straight to answerphone. He doesn't drink that much and is actually quite ropey after 2 or 3 drinks so he's not having a massive lie in with a hang over. He is also someone who is up really early, even on holiday (6am) so he's defo not asleep.

It is very suspicious but TBH I think I am past caring. If he is, I can't get any evidence on it.

This sounds like my ex, stayed out once a week in hotels, all work related whilst I was left at home trying to get 2 children to different clubs that ran at the same time. Can you find invoices for the hotel bookings? I found them and they made very interesting reading, rooms booked for 2 people, expensive hotels, meals and drinks itemised. I hope this is not the same for you, but I suggest you turn detective.

He doesn't really drink and for me this is the main reason why I don't understand why he has to stay out

Fucking hell, just seen this. I'm so sorry OP but it's sounding increasingly likely that he's being unfaithful. Why else would a man opt to spend money on a hotel every ten days or so when he's not even too pissed to drive home?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery - perfectly put!

OP I feel really sorry for you at the moment. he has ground you down to such a point where you have to ask a bunch of strangers if something is alright when, to a person, we all think its shit.

3 times a month - 40 nights away a year. the cost of the hotels, the amount of time away, the loss to your family of their dad at weekends. Honestly, stop worrying about the 50/50 split issue and start thinking about your mental health and your childrens.

Get organised financially and book to see a solicitor on Monday. a bunch of internet strangers who don't know the full ins and outs of your finances can just give a best guess and what you need now, urgently, is proper professional legal advice.

people really just don't live this way OP, they just don't.

Divorce him.
Your poor kids having such a shocking father.

50/50 I am referring to custody of my DC, not money. I wouldn't want him to have them 50/50 as it wouldn't be in their best interests IMO. My Q was about him getting them 50/50 when he pulls stunts like this.

Do you know which hotel he is at?

What @mummymeister said.

How old are the kids and how long has this been going on? You really need to put yourself first now.

Can you call any of his friends? I would try calling around, it's midday, that's totally reasonable

Does he not check that you have plans before agreeing nights out? How much is a taxi vs hotel room? Not sure why he's staying over if he's not drinking surely he could just drive or something? Do you get to see your friends and have the whole night and next morning off regularly? Have you tried talking to him about it if not? What would he said if you just said oh next Friday I'm off out with X, I'll see you at some point on Saturday.

I do know some people who have a long commute who will stay over when they're put drinking as their last train is really early and they're screwed if they miss it. But that's normally when they've got work the next morning

His behaviour, unless something like drugs, wouldn’t be relevant to sharing residency of DC.

His actions are terrible parenting. Putting up with it hasn’t been good role modelling either.

In addition to all the above, how can he/you afford it? The average hotel is £80 a night so he’s doing this on average 3 times a month so he’s spending £240 on hotels a month!?!

What. The. Fuck.
LEAVE HIM!!!

Don't rush anything and keep your cards close to your chest. gather as much evidence as you can - dates, name of hotel etc, book the solicitor for Monday get their advice and organise friends to have the DC on Tuesday. then go to the hotel 2am/3am time.

if he is there and on his own, tell him that you have been to a solicitor and that's it.

if he isn't then at least you know.

remember, he is good at lying and covering his tracks - you need to be too in the short term until you sort this.

stop worrying about custody, you aren't even at that point yet.

This sounds shit. He is either having an affair/coke habit/insufferably selfish in other ways.

Re 50/50 - yeah they all threaten that, but when they are as selfish as your DH appears to be, the reality of what that would mean in terms of not diappearing up their own arses means they change their minds.

Plenty of parents co parent 50/50 successfully - my own sister included, but from what you have said about your DH - I shouldn't let that thought stop you from getting your ducks in a row.

You must be able to find some evidence? How is he paying for the hotels? There must be receipts, either paper or online? Personally, knowing what I know now I suggest you actually ask him which hotel he is staying at next and sit outside it the following morning, or even hide in reception to see if he appears from his room alone. Do not put up with this for a minute longer.

Would he want 50/50 although OP if you do leave (and you should) it might make him parent

Honestly it’s best for your children if you do his behaviour is effecting them