Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

[StressedAgain]

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

Stressedagain - that's a really good plan but please do go and speak to a solicitor today. unpicking a relationship takes time and effort. you need to know where best to put your efforts to get the best results. it will be tough but ultimately you cant go on and on like this for the rest of your life. please also consider getting yourself tested. I know its absolutely bloody grim but again, it needs to be all about you at the moment. What you don't want to happen is for him to realise that the "games is up" and walk out leaving you with no access to any of the financial information that you will need to get a fair settlement. he wont play nicely on this that's a certainty so you need to get onto the solicitor, get a list of what information you need and start collecting it.

You can take all the time you need OP. Goodness knows this is stressful enough without the added pressure of financial instability and everything else. Start planning now. Apply for that job and settle yourself in. Start squirreling away money and get your affairs in order. Do all you can to ensure the best future for yourself. This could take some time and then ask him to leave when YOU are good and ready. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Incidentally, does he tell you anything about these nights away? As in where he is staying, who he is out with? Does he have titbits of gossip when he comes home? Or has he simply being going out without you knowing anything?

But, see, you DO have a plan! Better job, widening social circle, focus on the needs of self and DC. Sounds a very good plan so far, you just need to build on it!

I agree that you need to speak to a solicitor, to find out where you stand, what you need to find out about finances, what you can expect, etc. Knowledge is power, and if he tries to make out he's had legal advice that says he's entitled to xyz, but you know for a fact that it's not true, because you have had legal advice, you'll feel stronger, and able to call his bluff.

Often, the parent with care, gets to stay in the house, at least until the youngest child is 18, or they (the parent) start living with another partner, so you may not need to move out. But you do need to find out exactly where you stand in the meantime.

I will be seeking legal advice.
Thanks everyone.

Great news stressed and good luck with it all. one day at a time.

I think I disagree with some posters and agree with what you are planning Op. I think don't rush into leaving or kicking him out.

Well done you have a plan... every one on here is behind you and you will come out of this holding your head up high... and be stronger for it too...

Good luck

Hi Stressed I hope you are OK and that you are now deciding rationally what to do. I’ve been thinking about you; I RTT yesterday with tears in my eyes and my heart in my mouth. You were me a number of years ago and my “D”Hs behaviour made me question my own sanity. I ended up on anti-depressants and every time I questioned him I was “paranoid”, “crazy” and it was always me in the wrong for daring to challenge him. He eventually managed to convict himself after one too many “well you know I have to work away this week” (and be uncontactable for most of it) I’d been pushed to the absolute edge, my baby DC wasn’t sleeping and I was doing everything one handed with a broken wrist. So once he’d gone I phoned his boss and asked why he’d sent him away yet again when he was needed at home. I don’t recommend this approach by the way but I was a young mum trying to cope single handedly with two DC under 2...... He confirmed what I needed to know, DH hasn’t been sent away at all....... I WASNT GOING MAD!!!!! Anyway the time in between learning this info and his return allowed me to make calculated decisions. I contacted the CAB, Tax Credits and after working out how much money I had and that we could afford to live I made my next move.....I threw him out. I hope your story has a happy ending OP I’m thinking of you. Like other posters have said, I wish I could take you out for coffee and give you a hug. All the best

You've got this, OP. You have a plan and goals, and you are only working to your own timetable. I'm glad that you aren't letting yourself be rushed into anything unwise, just because some people want drama.

You have the advantage, because you will be months ahead of him in terms of practical details, paperwork in order and having it all straight in your head. Because it won't be all fresh to you and you will have had time to get your thoughts and plans together, you will be better placed to both help your children through it and to anticipate all the various kinds of fuckwittery he will try.

"My gut says he is just s selfish twat, but if I am wrong I don't actually care so it is irrelevant."

This says to me you have already fallen out of love with him and the marriage is already over. You're right to play it cool, take your time and figure out a good leaving plan. Let him carry on, gives you more ammo for the divorce when you get to it.

Now the 'love' feelings have gone it will help you rule with your head and not make over-emotional rash decisions.

Good luck OP

All these hotels, phones off etc sound like he's shagging someone else to me!

Please please leave him, Stressedagain. I was just like you, living with completely selfish Shithead who gaslighted me without doubt. I stayed as long as I did for a few reasons, a huge one being that I thought I couldn't cope being a single parent. Ha, what a fool I was. I'm a fantastic single mum, you would be too. It's actually easier as you don't have to deal with the irritating manchild. Regarding custody, I doubt highly he'd get joint custody, and it seems likely he wouldn't want it as he happily let's you do all childcare anyway. Please leave him. You will be so much better off. I say every day how unbelievably happy I am to be single. My children and I are a great little team.

Hope it works out for you OP. Sounds like a very hard time you are going through.

I have been thinking about this thread the past few days - i hope you sought legal advice and I hope you are feeling better.

OP I just want to say that coming here for advice when you're in this situation is bravery beyond my wildest dreams. You deserve everything and anything you want. If you have to wait and plan it'll all be worth it, rather than jumping into a situation you're not emotionally, or financially, ready for. Stay strong, I think you're AMAZING

Just wanted to check how you are @stressedagain.