Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

[StressedAgain]

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

You need to quiety try to find out what is going on.. it could be anything.
mummymeister idea was a good one. Take the kids out of the house doing something nice, cinema or whatever for the afternoon so that you don't have to have an exhausting scene with him in front of them when he gets back at 2pm today or whatever.
Can they have a sleepover tonight with GP or some friends? or some of your family (without saying what is going on?)
I also think you need to play your cards very close to your chest and see if there's any indication of what is going on and get some advice.

Oh I hadn't noticed that you said he does this every 10 days. That does seem a bit suspicious. But as I said I don't think it should be assumed he is having an affair, I don't agree that you should start meeting with a solicitor re a divorce - not until you know for sure.

You're his wife, he made his marriage vows to you, so you have the right to set some accountability 'rules'. If he wants to act like a delinquent teenager treat him like one until he gives you reason to be able to trust him.

Op, so sorry he is treating you like this. It is all very well others saying why tolerate it but it often happens slowly and then there is a wake up and realise the enormity of it.

The lack of respect for you is shocking. I suspect he wants you to be angry as he can then justify getting away from the "nagging wife". Is he highly defensive and blaming of you when you confront him?

Re 50/50 does depend on children's ages as their wishes & feelings are relevant if determined old enough.

If he refuses to engage with you I think the marriage is over..there is often no coming back from when respect leaves the marriage.
You didn't cause it, he has just decided to treat someone who he is supposed to love and care about with contempt. It is painful but all to common in self centred men.

to the OP about role models thoughtout this thread are very unhelpful when she must be feeling so upset anyway.She is trying to navigate her way though all this today. Like any trusting person in a relationship she's given him the benefit of the doubt but now that the evidience all is not well is mounting up realises that she is not prepared to do that anymore and is trying to sort out what to do about it.

*Comments

I've worked for a man who used to stay in London one night a week more or less - his home was about an hours train drive from London. In his case it was perfectly innocent. He would be going for after work drinks usually. For balance he used to try to WFH one day a week also.

It's suspicious though as hotel check out times are usually 11 or 12 sometimes. Would it take him 2 hours to get home?

Either way OP something suspicious is going on you don't need 'proof' to get rid

Does he even tell you which hotel it is?
EXTREMELY suspicious OP & outright disrespectful & humiliating that he's making you feel this way! ... I'd get him out the family home! I couldn't live like this.
He could be having an affair or using prostitutes! Anything! You're allowing him to have the best of both worlds!

@ZippyBungleandGeorge what? My self esteem is very much objective, I am a rational person who doesn’t pin my worth on what other people think. I really am not the kind of woman that is needy for affection, to be very honest my husband is the needy and insecure one in our relationship which is fine, i don’t mind indulging him, if anything it’s quality beneficial if properly managed. I don’t have daughters but my elder son (4) is already aware that Daddy is a bit useless and is actually great and a very helpful child. My younger son also seems to model more of my approach towards house keeping, I hope that will continue in life in general as he gets older because of the two of us, my DH and I, I do have the better character. Presumably it’s because they spend more time with me. Obviously they both love their father and the elder one also recognised the areas in which my husband excels but he doesn’t view my husband’s lack of consideration as normal but more as one of his father’s faults. What do you want me to do? Divorce my husband now while I am still benefitting from the marriage to everyone’s detriment? It’s irritating of course but I would rather work around it than risk loosing the benefits of the marriage by over playing my hand with DH.

So, basically, he's living the life of a bachelor. You, on the other hand, are living the life of a housekeeper/maid of all work/nanny combined. Man, he has it pretty damned sweet, doesn't he?

I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. But you need to realize that you have no power to change him. You can only change yourself. I'm assuming that you don't work so it's especially important to see a solicitor ASAP. Make a plan then execute it!

My advice would be not to loose your temper when he comes home. I would actually avoid all communication about it. Isn't it the worst when you've done something wrong and you are waiting for the other party to say something? The waiting is the worst part. Clearly he knows you are angry and is expecting a row/questions when he comes home.

You need to decide if you want to continue this marriage. If yes you two need to talk, but I would suggest with a third party there so you don't talk over each other. Couples counselling might be the answer.

If you don't want to continue the marriage speak to a solicitor. I definitely wouldn't worry about 50/50 spilt parenting. If he works long hours and 'requires' all these night away then how can he conceivably manage this? Generally it's every other weekend with a Wednesday if work allowed.

Good luck OP and keep us posted. You've not doing a thing wrong, self bastard husband on the other hand..........

@BigFatGiant it's sad to think you're only in a marriage until he is not useful to you anymore (financially?) and you're willing to tolerate someone who doesn't consider your needs and actively avoids his children. I believe I'm worth more than that and so is my DS. My husband doesn't behave in that way but if he did, yes I'd be thinking about leaving.

I confused about what he's doing. You said he got a hotel due to drinking, then said he doesn't drink alot so won't have a hangover.

What does he claim to be doing on these nights out? Why can't he drive home if he doesn't really drink. Who's he with, do you know their wives, do they say out until the following afternoon. Where is he and what's he doing today.

It's not normal to go out like that so often when you have a family. Seems he is still living like a single man, not a father and husband.

Obvious affair, fuck him

I was the one who asked about 50:50 - yes, that's massively understandable

This sounds really suspicious OP, particularly as you can't get on any of his devices. I don't know what to suggest about how you find out what he's doing but I definitely don't think you should let it go any more.

Every 10 days he fucks off to stay in a hotel?! The man is having an affair or entertaining prostitutes. Can you try to guess his passcodes for his devices?

The tales on this site of the shit some men (and women) put their partners through absolutely astounds me.

Op imagine for a minute that you had had an emergency this morning. He cannot go all radio silence on you when he has a wife and children, he just cannot. and to do it every 10 days.

I know you are trying to get your head around all of this and this is why I am suggesting you go out today/now. have a nice time with your kids, do the stuff you want to do and stay out as long as you want, over night included. and don't contact him. let him know how fucking awful it feels not to know where your partner is and have no idea when they are coming back.

your life is on hold isn't it. You wait for him to call the shots and you have 100% of the childcare so you have no energy or inclination to go out and do stuff for yourself. this is not a normal relationship it really isn't and you have probably sort of sleep walked into it.

but now your eyes must be open after all the comments on this thread. I am not telling you to leave him I am saying that having knowledge is power here. Knowing where he is and with whom. Knowing what the outcome of any separation could be. all important stuff.

there is no point in confronting him until you have the knowledge, otherwise he will just feed you bullshit, he really will.

your life is on hold and really, it shouldn't be and you know it too. It takes courage to do these things but look at our kids and fast forward 10 years. do you really want to be living like this and them knowing that you are living like this?

This is shady as hell!!!!! He is 100% having an affair. There is no other explanation.

@XippyBungleandGeorge the marriage is benefical in a variety of ways. Financially, emotionally (for my children it’s nice to have two loving parents), physically (he’s very attractive and we have good chemistry), practically (he does actually do a good amount of childcare considering how much he has going on, it’s more a case of neither of us having enough time and me being left to pick up most of the slack), his family are nice and I like having them around (not that they wouldn’t be around if we divorced but they would have to split time between us so inevitably I would see them a lot less). Geberally, at the moment, it’s a good deal. However (as he and the children get older) the benefits will lessen. He is a bit older than me so the physical benefits to me may dissipate quicker than they would for him, will need him less practically and financially as the children get older. Obviously as they get older a divorce will be less damaging for them. The alternative is having less help from him, having financial problems (we can afford to run two households at our current standard), having to deal with emotional problems in my children, having less sex/physical affection and so on. I wouldn’t throw away an adequate marriage on the basis of an emotional reaction to moderate selfishness. That wouldn’t be very rational and would set a bad example for my child.

I’m also not sure why you think he’s actively avoiding them. It’s not like he thinks that he’d rather not see them (nor do I) but often we are both to tired to face going home and dealing with two young boys and selfishly would rather the other person did in the same way as in the morning we don’t leap out of bed at the crack of dawn to spend time with our hyperactive offspring. Obviously we love them, they are lovely children even maternal bias aside but we are both very busy and very tired. I just have better impulse control and can put myself through complete exhaustion knowing that it is better while my husband often struggles to keep going (to be fair he is older and does have more going on not to mention underlying issues from parents who didn’t just get on with it the way I we do).

OP, I very much doubt he’ll want 50/50. He may talk the talk but would he forgo his nights out - no.

You don’t need to find evidence of an affair. It’s shitty that he does this, leaving you wondering whether he is ok or actually lying dead in a ditch somewhere. It’s not fair to your Dc to have a stressed out mum, let alone them knowing their dad is a dick who can’t be bothered to come home.

You need to mentally move on from him. Work out your finances, ash him to move out for a few months while you work out what YOU want.

You deserve more than a man-child who doesn’t care about you - I bet he’s only staying with you because he wants to project the image of a family man (and prob because the women he’s seeing isn’t free to be with him...yet).

Exactly he is living the single life whilst enjoying the luxury of marriage. Yes, these things can creep up gradually, mine were initially passed off as team building, networking etc. They can and do become complacent about it. When I found all my ex's hotel invoices all I had to do was go in to the home office and open some files and there they were. Then I went pain shopping looking up all the hotels booked for 2, rooms with baths at the bottom of the bed in boutique hotels at over £700 a night.

I echo, this is shady, I reckon he includes pulling as part of a night out, so stays at a hotel to have somewhere to take them back too.

I bet you think I am making this up. Seriously, I am not.

No, I do not because I had a husband like this. He was cheating with multiple women and had been since a few month into our marriage.

"Every 10 days he fucks off to stay in a hotel?! The man is having an affair or entertaining prostitutes."

^ This.

Although I'm betting on an affair.

As to evidence, I think I'd be hiring a professional (it'll save you money in the long run ) and once I had the evidence, I'd get my exit (or rather his) totally in place before I hit him with it!

Reading what I've just typed back to myself, it does sound a bit surreal, but in all seriousness, I would want total control of this situation!!!! It sounds as if he doesn't care at all.