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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
shesgrownhorns · 23/03/2019 18:37

hang on in there OP you can do this.

MakeAWhish · 23/03/2019 18:39

This is a man who is addicted to his phone and iPad. There is no way he got to 12pm tech free.

He was tech free ... because he was otherwise engaged. So sorry, OP

HollowTalk · 23/03/2019 18:39

I've just re-read - have you seen your online bank statements? You should be able to find out where he's staying from that.

TriciaH87 · 23/03/2019 18:42

If you know where his staying tuesday night ask a relative if they can babysit so you can have couples time as a suprise. Turn up at the hotel or if you have access to his find my phone info show up there. Say well you said i can have a night out anytime I want and i wanted to tonight with you.

theredjellybean · 23/03/2019 18:52

@stressedagain
Apologies it was a different poster.
I do hope you are OK. Your dh is just taking the piss

septembersunshine · 23/03/2019 18:53

I think he is staying with another women. No hotels.

Op, really this is horrific and no life for you and the children. Its a head messer.

Your dh lives part time in another world that your not privy too and it stinks. Get out of that marriage. Stay cool headed and get your self organised .

Fruitbatdancer · 23/03/2019 19:03

Once in a blue moon, fine. Every ten days? He can fuck right off YANBU.
He is hiding something as otherwise he’d be way more apologetic. He’s fighting back in the hope you’ll stop asking.

Rtmhwales · 23/03/2019 19:04

Agreed. I'd ask him what hotel and then contact them personally. But he could've been there with another woman. I'd hire a PI when he goes out next. There's no way I could handle not knowing.

HJWT · 23/03/2019 19:26

I would of been gone with the DC a long time ago!

itsabigboooooat · 23/03/2019 20:12

I'm sorry op but I usually think it can get a bit dramatic on here and people are too quick to shout affair. But this screams affair to me.

Either way he doesn't want to spend much time with you or his kids which is really fucked up in itself.

Have my first leave the fucker.

So sorry op Thanks x

ShellieEllie · 23/03/2019 20:17

Hope you're okay, it's probably been a very long weekend for you already.

Greenkit · 23/03/2019 20:17

No point looking at the phone now i guess, all evidence will be deleted

YemenRoadYemen · 23/03/2019 20:22

He doesn't want to parent when you're there to help out - of course he's not going to go for 50:50 when he'd have to be solely responsible for them!

Fiveletters · 23/03/2019 20:29

This guy sounds awful.
No way would my husband spend one night in every ten in a hotel. Surely a taxi is cheaper than a hotel.

And his behaviour now you are challenging him is just as bad.

tootiredtospeak · 23/03/2019 20:32

I lived this as your child watching my mum heartbroken every weekend when my dad went out and just couldnt be arsed to come home. No idea if it was someone else or just the fact he didnt want to spend time with us as a family but it hurt. I hated him as a child I watched her cry and wondered why on earth she didnt leave him I wished so much she had. He never stopped as she put up with it and therefore we had a shitty childhood of always being let down and second best. Eventually she left him in spectacular style by cheating with his best mate after 20 years and he was heartbroken!! I love my mum I always will but I wish to god she left him earlier he spoiled our childhoods please think about your children and how they feel. They will always love you but need to see you be strong for them dont take this crap.

MollysLips · 23/03/2019 20:43

If your main worry about splitting up is custody, I'd focus your energy there. See a family-law solicitor (get the free 30 minutes as a start) and get reassurance that he wouldn't get 50/50 custody if he works full time, you're the primary carer, etc. Just find out where you stand on that. Just because he wants equal custody (and in my experience, many men don't really want it, they just use it as a threat) doesn't mean it'd be in the children's best interest.

He's probably cheating but you don't actually need proof of that in order to split up. Being sick of him is genuinely enough! And his going out overnight every 10 days leaving you with the kids is easily "unreasonable behaviour".

You don't need a big reason, or permission, or anything really: you can just ditch him. Let the truth come out in its own time.

If you're reluctant to split up the kids' family on an unproven hunch, then hire a private detective. I think it'd be money well spent.

Shitonthebloodything · 23/03/2019 20:56

I wouldn't bother looking for proof, you have more than enough grounds for unreasonable behaviour without making it more messy and upsetting. Personally, I'd get legal advice, get organised then change the locks next time he stays out.

Halo84 · 23/03/2019 20:56

I had a friend who hired an investigator when her husband exhibited suspicious behaviour. He was cheating on her-with another man.

She left him, he threatened her. He moved in with the OM, who left his wife. They are still together. Friend and the ex are now friendly with each other. She never remarried but has had a long term relationship with another man.

tabulahrasa · 23/03/2019 21:52

The thing is, your best case scenario is that he’s spending a lot of time and money on nights out and hotels instead of his family... I mean it’s more than a month out of the year...surely that’s bad enough to go, no, enough is enough.

So what would you need proof of? Does it actually even need to be worse than that?

winecigsandchoc · 23/03/2019 22:15

I agree- even the best case scenario here is divorce worthy. So sorry OP.

Weenurse · 23/03/2019 22:22

Gather your documents,o bank account details, passports, pension information.
Get legal advice, plan exit strategy.
Good luck

perfectstorm · 23/03/2019 23:17

I'd arrange to see a solicitor next week, tbh, OP.

I'm really sorry. He's being disgustingly selfish and disrespectful. Of his children, as well as you.

jameswong · 24/03/2019 05:08

I think it could be more serious than an affair (well, less hurtful emotionally, but more serious in terms of long term ramifications for the entire family). His behaviour is bordering on unhinged and I'd worry he's up to his neck in something potentially very dark (drugs, gambling, racking up debts with the wrong people etc.).

I've had weekends away from my wife (and vice versa). Averaged one a year before my son was born. But this is nothing like that. She knew where I was, I was contactable, I had valid and transparent reasons for being away (as did she).

Mummyoftwo91 · 24/03/2019 07:43

Something is fishy about this op, I think he is with someone else I'm so sorry, the fact he's going to long without contacting you is a big red flag. Agree with pp who said hire a private investigator if you have the money

archersnlemonade · 24/03/2019 08:08

This would piss me right off. I take it you don't do the same thing and stay away every 10 days or so and be uncontactable?!

Thinking practically, it's definitely time to get your financial ducks in a row as they say on here OP.