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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
fridayrain · 24/03/2019 09:50

Ask him to show you the hotel bookings.

You should take the plentiful advice on here and stop letting him treat you and your children like fuckin shit.

Stawp · 24/03/2019 09:57

Sounds like he's cheating or at the very least has emotionally and a bit physically checked out of the marriage.

Kisskiss · 24/03/2019 10:12

If you live somewhere hard to get Home to from after drinks then a pre-arranged/agreed Hotel night is pretty normal . Loads of my colleagues do this fairly regularly and it seems to work ok. I’ve been on some of these work dos w them and haven’t seen suspicious activity - they genuinely need the hotels as they see it as their chance to have a proper night out without worrying about cutting the night short to get a train home.

However, switching his phone off and going incommunicado is just irresponsible and rude!!! It’s not fair to make you and your kids worry about him and yes it can look extremely fishy. So can’t he be an adult and realise this? His enjoyment shouldn’t come at your expense, which it is right now...

MinnieMountain · 24/03/2019 10:14

What do you want to happen OP?

Notthemessiah · 24/03/2019 10:23

Christ. I usually try and see the other side of the story and want to balance some of the regular LTB posts you always get on MN, but in this case there really isn't one.

If he isn't having an affair (and it really seems likely that he is imo) then he is absolutely taking the piss and treating you like a nanny and his kids as an inconvenience. Tell him he can't stay out more than once every three months or pack his bags for him.

Borderterrierpuppy · 24/03/2019 12:00

How are you today op?

Ihatehashtags · 24/03/2019 14:34

How’s it going OP? Have you confronted him? Has he been gaslighting and trying to justify it to you? I’d tell him you want to go to counseling to get an outsiders perspective. If he’s not willing to go, there’s your answer right there.

Shamoogren · 24/03/2019 14:40

Re the 50 50 point .

I've just been through the courts and whatever exh wanted in terms of contact he got it. It is awful but true - if that is what you think he would go for, then he is very likely to get it.

Bingcankissmyass · 24/03/2019 14:55

I'm actually speechless.....I agree with other posters regarding using a pic of him to unlock his devices, we did this last night to see if it worked and it did.

MotherOfDragonite · 24/03/2019 15:28

This is awful, I really feel for you.

I would suspect he's been having an affair, but to be honest, it doesn't matter in a funny way -- you already know that he's not there for you when you and the kids need him.

MistressDeeCee · 24/03/2019 16:23

Taxi is cheaper than a hotel. He's either having an affair or using prostitutes. What proof do you need to 'find' anyway, you've got a man who regularly sleeps out that's enough isn't it? He's not committed to you.

Did you post about him before? Very similar post a month or so ago. If you're staying with him it's best to use protection, he's a skank.

MadeForThis · 24/03/2019 17:04

It doesn't really matter what he's doing.

What he's not doing is what's important. He's not looking after his wife and family. He is wasting family money on hotels every 10 days. He is ignoring his wife and kids. He knows you are unhappy with his behaviour and ignores this too.

I wouldn't worry about 50:50.

Don't waste your time trying to find out what he could be up to. What you actually know he is doing is enough.

Good luck

dragonsfire · 24/03/2019 17:36

It sounds like and Affair but even if not very very selfish behaviour.

Really need to decide if can carry on like this?

I would personally get legal advice and look to kick him out!

TigerTooth · 24/03/2019 17:36

Op if he can afford these hotels then you could prob afford to get a private investigator to follow him on his next outing and get some evidence - then at least you j is if he's just a selfish cheeky gucker ir an adulterer.

humblebumble · 24/03/2019 17:43

He doesn't even like you, let alone love you. Why stay with him? it's damaging you and your children.

My ex did this, it's taken me years to admit to myself that it wasn't ok and I needed to move on. Please don't waste any more time on him.

Mamalicious89 · 24/03/2019 17:43

I'm not sure what he is offering to your family. You need to question what you think you are worth OP. If this was happening to a friend I'm sure you would tell her she deserved better. A partner who is present and wants to spend time with you and your DC. His behaviour is excessive and not reflective of someone who wants a family life.
I'd personally leave him OP, sorry you're in this position. You deserve someone who wants to be with you.

youcantchoosethem · 24/03/2019 17:47

My partner often has to stay in London because of work - he is a senior exec and has to host events but he always calls me or FaceTimes when he gets back to the hotel to say goodnight and is never not contactable in an emergency if I’ve needed him urgently and often sends me pics from the events and I know loads of his colleagues and attend when partners are allowed. It doesn’t sound right to me if you can’t get hold of him and he doesn’t contact you during the evening either or when he gets back. Do you have find friends on at all so you can see where he goes? Even phones with face recognition also always have a back up password. Would certainly say you should check and also make sure you have some time out too - you deserve some girlie nights out and make sure he has to deal with the children at those times. It does sound very one sided at the moment in his favour. As for divorce the courts always go for 50/50 unless really extenuating circumstances. Good luck 💐

mathanxiety · 24/03/2019 17:56

See a solicitor.

You need to ask about his chances of getting 50/50.

Could you afford a PI to track him when he is awol, take photos?

Can you investigate what he is doing from the angle of money? What account does he use for 'walking around' money?

(I am suspicious of an affair, can you tell?)

Supersimpkin · 24/03/2019 18:05

When did he start overnighting out? Before or after DC were born?

OP, I wouldn't worry about OW, I'd worry about another wife and kids. He's away to a regular pattern, consistent with him telling her he works away or is hobbying.

Hey, it works for you.

Adventuremommy · 24/03/2019 18:09

What an awful situation. I feel your pain.
It sounds like your unhappy generally in your relationship. His behaviour is incredibly unfair.
Are you feeling too emotionally exhausted to speak with him about it? Or when you do does him give an excuse and you are too tired to argue? Or do you feel you are stuck in a revolving door of questioning what his doing?
Either is a really unhealthy state to be in.
My ex behaved like this. He labelled me a psycho and my confidence was shot to pieces. In fact I never got down to why he was going it. One day I just walked away and never looked back.
Maybe it’s time to look at your relationship and see if it’s what you both want.

pollymere · 24/03/2019 18:11

My dh is dreadful at communicating. However he's told me in this situation, he'd be calling me so I wouldn't worry. He also doesn't stay in hotels but would stay with someone, or have pre organised a cheap b and b.

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 24/03/2019 18:17

Am I reading this right ? Once every 10 days ? So couple of questions

  1. Why can’t you go with him
  2. Do you know his friends plus wives? Do they go?
  3. Surely the cost of these hotel stays eat into the budget that could be better spent on you both and your family ?

I’d say next time a concert “I love them” let me see if I can get a sitter check reaction sounds very selfish man even if he isn’t up to no good !

Sorry you’re going through this !

NoKnickerElastic · 24/03/2019 18:24

Just another point of view, my DH regularly stays over in London after works nights. Suppose the difference is he's always in touch and returns when he says he's going to. This happens every few weeks. It's not automatically suspicious behaviour, it's just easier than getting a train back to the home countries, pissed, at midnight.

Bugbabe1970 · 24/03/2019 18:29

Book yourself s girls holiday love
He’s taking the piss big time!

Tubs11 · 24/03/2019 18:29

OP, I hope you find the strength to leave because affair or not he seems like a horrible person. Reading between the lines you sound like a loving and caring mum. I wish you all the luck in the world as you move forward. x