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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 24/03/2019 18:35

Why on earth do you think he'd want 50/50. He's not interested in the work they represent all. Go and see a solicitor. Get ahead of the game in the info stakes and just slowly prepare your divorce.

Tistheseason17 · 24/03/2019 18:38

He is acting like a single man with no commitments.
I'd give him his his final warning to get his act together or leave.

Every 10 days he stays in a hotel cause he can't get home.... my arse.

MortyVicar · 24/03/2019 18:39

The thing that strikes me is that he always books the hotel in advance - this isn't about having one too many and deciding on the spur of the moment.

A bit too calculated I think.

soconfusing · 24/03/2019 18:40

Let him go out on Tuesday, gets the locks changed before he gets in...
hopefully that teaches him a lesson, if not at least he'll have to find another 'hotel' to stay in for a while...
if not you and the kids can get on without his cr*p x

IratePanda · 24/03/2019 18:41

He sounds like a prize cunt. Why are you wasting time on this fool?

parentin · 24/03/2019 18:42

I think deep down you know his behaviour and responses to your questions are just beyound wrong. You clearly aint happy and its affecting your kids. Even if he is having an affair or not, this is not healthy situation for you or the kids

Kittykat93 · 24/03/2019 18:59

Don't even have to read everyone's comments on this. I can't believe you're actually putting up with this crap. He's treating you like an absolute mug and you're lying down and saying 'go ahead'!! Confused

Kittykat93 · 24/03/2019 19:00

And I think it's either an affair or drugs.

Pukeko11 · 24/03/2019 19:02

@StressedAgain you know if I didn’t know better you could be describing my life a good 10 years ago. I did the same, waited for evenings he never came home and he too would check into hotels too drunk to get home. I denied it for a long time, was too ashamed and could never admit it to our friends and family. Sadly for me it was worst case and he was having an affair. He left when I found out, it was probably the kindest thing he did for me as my children and I are better for it. I hope you find the strength to address it and that things work out better for you, but if you don’t you’re just doing yourself a disservice. You’re worth more than what you’re getting right now.

PurplePenguins · 24/03/2019 19:03

Its affecting your DC so you need to do something. He's married with responsibilities. He needs to stop living as though he is single. You have grounds for divorce if that is the way you want to go but whatever you decide to do it has to be what's best for you and your DC. I know it's different but a friend in a DV relationship left her DH when her DD (then 4) told her "when I grow up I'm not getting married. I don't want my husband to hit me" but what if your DC grow up thinking it's ok to go out every 10 days and not come home making people worried and upset?

RainbowTurd · 24/03/2019 19:12

Awful behaviour. Leave him!!

TheLittleDogLaughed · 24/03/2019 19:12

What’s your relationship like when he is there? Are you close? Do you talk? I can’t quite understand why you aren’t fully confronting him about why he’s doing this and how it makes you and the kids feel.

MashedSpud · 24/03/2019 19:15

It’s either drugs, an affair or prostitutes.

Tinkerbell89 · 24/03/2019 19:15

If this is a regular thing staying in hotels after a night out you aren't being unreasonable. Also him not communicating to say morning, how are you, I'll be back at....is really unreasonable and inconsiderate. He must be drinking alot each time he goes out and stays in hotels. He could taxi it home instead or not drink so much.

Have you considered this is his way to have time to himself away from the family? Have a good night out, then a lazy morning and relax whilst you run around after the kids. He's checking out of family time and husband/dad duties of helping.

Maybe speak to him about his reasons why he does it and that you worry about whether he's ok when you don't hear from him as do the kids. That they ask after him and are upset. Also when do you get to go out and have fun? How'd he feel if you did what he does? Wouldn't you like a meal out, a few drinks and a night in a hotel with him whilst someone babysits? Propose this to him and see how he reacts.

He could be stressed, unhappy or just selfish or checking out of the family life

I think you need to have a chat with him .

Elsie1966 · 24/03/2019 19:29

Very suspicious op. When he next books himself a hotel stay I would find someone to have dc and turn up at said hotel out of the blue if he is alone you could say it was a romantic surprise if he's not alone you've got your answer.
Flowers for you

crimsonlake · 24/03/2019 19:30

He clearly does not want family life does he. Staying overnight at a hotel, having a lie in and then doing a spot of shopping?? He is living the life and taking you for a fool. I am fuming on your behalf, how very dare he treat you all like that, I do not say this lightly but you need rid of him. I doubt you will miss him as you already sound like a single parent.

fluffiny31 · 24/03/2019 19:35

I hope you find strength op. Your worth so much more. Some people will never change or even see why they should. They don't care if they are hurting people by their actions as long as they happy.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 24/03/2019 19:37

I’d just straight up tell him to shape up or ship out! Give him a chance to change and if he doesn’t then kick him out!

Gromit78 · 24/03/2019 19:37

I am so sorry to say this, but as someone who has deeply suffered the pain of being betrayed by a cheating husband, I would suspect your DH's behaviour. It was a really hard journey for me, but my DH kept going out and staying in hotels etc. pretending he was alone. I had to do some serious spying. It took me 6 months to catch him. He denied having an affair until I showed him the physical evidence. I really really hope for your sake he is just being a selfish insensitive bastard and just drinking and staying alone in a hotel, but brace yourself if you discover he is being unfaithful; it is utterly devastating. Don't let him go out so often without you. Work on your relationship, but also put him to the test. Check out other websites on what to do if you think your partner is cheating. Don't challenge him until you have the hard evidence. Wishing you and your DH all the best. G xx

Vynalbob · 24/03/2019 19:45

Just a thought
Satnavs have history

anniehm · 24/03/2019 19:46

It's certainly unusual but does depend on work type, where you live etc. Dh does stay out (on expenses) quite often because his work takes him elsewhere and he is expected to socialise after working for the day there and there's either no train/plane so late or it would be very late home. I wouldn't be suspicious necessarily, more bemused as to why he's not coming straight home the next day!

Latteaday123 · 24/03/2019 19:50

I vote leave on this one. Staying out X3 per month/ frittering away family money on hotels/ not giving a shit about you or your kids is really NOT okay.

Motoko · 24/03/2019 19:55

OP, are you coming back? What are you going to do about this?

historymystery · 24/03/2019 19:56

OP leave this man, very suspicious behaviour!

plonkington · 24/03/2019 20:02

Another option no one has mentioned but which I assure you is far more common than you’d ever think , is that he is staying out to cross dress in private. I know of several men who do this on the regular. Many of them use excuses like this. No matter what the real reason is it’s just not on OP . Don’t let this continue