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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting here waiting for DH again AIBU

393 replies

StressedAgain · 23/03/2019 11:40

I am sitting here waiting for DH to come home AGAIN.

He went out last night to a leavers do at work. Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel. It's now Sat 1130, DC no.2 has already been chauffeured to their 1st activity, then later on my DC have another thing they need to be taken to for a few hours.

Eldest DC is upset as they have called their Dad up twice and his phone is off and not responding to messages. DC is getting stressed out that his dad may not be OK. I'm getting stressed out because 90% of me is used to this kind of behaviour but I too am wondering if he is OK.

I've got this to look forward to again on Tuesday night when he is going out with his friends and staying in a hotel again. Meanwhile I'll spend all Tues night at my DC's hobby.

AIBU to think that this is actually a bit sh!t. I am getting sick of it. My DC have asked me "when is he coming back", "what time will be be back" and I am getting stressed and snappy.

Seriously, how would you feel about this.

OP posts:
openscanofworms · 24/03/2019 20:03

OP, I hope you are ok.
The main thing that strikes me is his lack of respect for you and your family. He may well be lying in a hotel bed on his own and luxuriating in a king size bed alone BUT he had a wife and kids at home who want to spend time with him.
The emergency response from him is null and void. What he needs to realise is that of you or the kids had a really nasty accident, how could he be reached? What if you had to have an emergency op and the kids were terrified their Mum was so ill - they’d want their Dad. How does he answer that?
I hope things work out for you OP - however that situation looks.

JaneyJimplin · 24/03/2019 20:12

It doesn't even sound like he's trying that hard to make his lies sound convincing, either because he doesnt care if you believe him, or because he thinks you'll turn a blind eye anyway.

Nats1606 · 24/03/2019 20:26

Yeah I’m sorry but that is ABSOLUTELY-FUCKING-NOT ok.... on no planet. I know the general consensus is that he’s probably up to no good, but even if he isn’t, he’s still 100% taking the piss and disrespecting you and your family. There is NO excuse for him going off grid so regularly, that is just not ok. I always think ‘imagine if your child grew up and told you someone was treating them this way...what what you suggest to them to do?’...I think you know deep down what that would be.

ToftyAC · 24/03/2019 20:26

There could be any number of reasons for staying out at regular intervals. None very palatable. In your shoes OP I’d have to think very long and hard about my and the kid’s futures.

MrsStock · 24/03/2019 20:29

Look on Find my iPhone when he's next out, or... there's an app called Life 360' which uses GPS which you could use to see where he is. Life 360 can work in the background so he wouldn't necessarily know he has it.

tinyvulture · 24/03/2019 20:39

I’m really sorry - sounds like a horrible situation for you.

I would feel that my partner staying away for the odd night after a night out was ok - but not this frequency. And I would expect a call or text, to let me know they were safe, when they would be back, etc.

Anyway, whatever I would want is not relevant. He’s married to YOU. He needs to make YOU feel ok. You are not being unreasonable demanding in expecting him to think about your needs and feelings more.

Really hope he’s not cheating, or got a big coke habit, or similar. But I suppose not impossible. You look after yourself. Either way, you deserve better.

FairyMoppings · 24/03/2019 21:24

I had a friend yrs ago whose DP was identical to this. She discovered he was hooking up with women he'd met on online dating sites, and even those sites where people deliberately set out to have affairs/sex behind spouses backs.

Also happened to DSIS in a fairly new relationship of about 6 months. Her single friend signed up to POS and discovered my DSIS's partner on there. DSIS deliberately set up a fake profile and contacted him, to see if he was still active. Sure enough, he was!

I was once unknowingly an OW with a guy I met on a dating site back when I was single. Had been seeing him for about 3 wks when I got a call from his wife. He told me they were separated and he was l8ving with his parents (which is why I couldn't visit his home as he wanted to wait before he told them he'd met a new woman!). His poor wife told me they were still very much married, lived together, had two young boys and I wasn't the first he'd done this with. I felt utterly shit.

Not that I want to drive you round the bend with paranoia and suspicion OP, but maybe check out a few dating websites OP? It seems men looking for extra-marital activities like to use them as hunting ground...

Mumoftoo19 · 24/03/2019 21:26

I think you already know the answers..i mean that in the nicest way possible. No way would I tolerate this. Fair enough he goes out but to need to stay out, especially when he doesnt really drink! Then to be virtually unreachable.. what if there was an emergency! Also, I dread to think how much it costs for him to be staying in hotels so often. Im sorry but this screams affair to me. I hope you get to the bottom of things for the sake of you and the kids. Tbh I wouldnt be worried about 50/50.. 1) he would need his job to be very flexible. 2) He would have to put the kids first and sacrifice some of his nights out and he cant even seem to do that now! Flowers

Lifeover · 24/03/2019 21:31

Check google history to see if he’s visiting dating or hook up sights, both straight and gay/bi (you wouldn’t believe the amount of married straight or bi men are on there).

Purplekaz08 · 24/03/2019 21:38

Take advantage of him when he’s asleep, use the face recognition to access his iPad and see what you can find on there.

Sissyjd · 24/03/2019 21:43

Good god op...please leavethus vile selfish git. He obviously dies not care or respect you, your feelings your marriage or your children.And you are allowing this you happen..sounds likr he's gaslighting you as well as trwati g you like an idiot. Please get some self esteem & get out asap!! Flowers

Isthisreallylife · 24/03/2019 22:05

I spent 9 years taking crud like this from my OH. He was ‘sitting watching barges on the canal’ or ‘you just missed me, I was in the chippy’ or ‘listening to the footy on the car radio - I LIKE IT BETTER THAN WATCHING IT!’ Only to find he’d been with prostitutes on every occasion and I only got to know when he left videos of him ‘in action’ (huh! Doubtful! I knew why he had to pay for it!) on his phone for me to find.
I think it’s pretty suss. Do you ever see the receipts for these ‘hotels’? I’d be tempted to follow or have him followed! My heart goes out to you. Sometimes knowledge is shit and being too trusting is living in a bubble.

Lovely13 · 24/03/2019 22:37

So sorry to say this. He is playing away. Have been there. Easy to ignore the booming signs in your life. Confront him. Seek legal help. Again sorry..

FitMum87 · 24/03/2019 23:42

It must be terrible to be going through this so regularly. I’m sorry but it sounds like he is being unfaithful, and by him saying ‘you can stay out too’ sounds as if he has already checked out the relationship. Plus no hotel I’ve stayed in has a check out time of 12 unless you pay for a late check out. Bin him and find someone brilliant

Lillibee4 · 24/03/2019 23:53

I’m sorry. Proof or not he is having an affair

SweetMarmalade · 24/03/2019 23:59

Does he stay in the same hotel every 10 days or so? Does he not discuss or do you not ask where he will be staying? I know I would if it were so frequent.

Ask where his little jaunt is going to be taking place next Tuesday! If he asks why say that you need to know incase of emergencies as he never answers his bloody phone!!

So sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Your dh is selfish and self centered!

It’s time you started digging deeper into this.

Catsinthecupboard · 25/03/2019 00:02

Dear OP,

Listen to the voices of experience. He's not being a thoughtful husband at the very least. I'm sorry.

Flowers
CountessWindyBottom · 25/03/2019 00:18

He’s treating you and your children appallingly. I wouldn’t explode with him just yet, be a snake in the long grass. Go and see a solicitor, hire a PI for his next hotel trip and gather as much evidence as you can so that when they time comes to destroy him in court and fight for majority custody then you will be on a strong footing. I’m sorry this has happened to you. He is a cruel, disrespectful bastard and you deserve better Flowers

Fridasrage · 25/03/2019 00:21

Take advantage of him when he’s asleep, use the face recognition to access his iPad and see what you can find on there.

This is next level, i love it

Lovellama · 25/03/2019 02:02

Oh stressedagain .i just want to give you a big hug 💕 xx
this reminds me of me years ago with my ex! Xxxx

kateandme · 25/03/2019 05:51

op whatever your doing now big hugs.this man isn't treating you or your kids properly end of,affaie or not.
but also you sound like you had enough anyway.the moment you start even thinking of who will get the kids,affairs,bneeding to find out where and what hes up to scream trust and your relationship has shattered somewhere.can you ge tthat back?do you want to with this man.who sounds like an uncaring dick.
if you think its over don't fear the future and the what ifs.this is why so many lovely woman never elave.and it can be fucking tough separating but after you give yourself time to get through that.when you hit the light,the freedom is thrilling!
do what right for you and ur kids now.they need you.and you need you.sound like non of you need him...

MdNdD · 25/03/2019 06:00

Mine did this, turned out he was leading a double life. Phone was always off, staying in hotels or a friend’s place. I put up with it for years, but in the middle of lengthy frustrating divorce now and none of what he has done / not done appears to matter, though it’s not yet over so feedback from others is to hang in there.

I stuck it out till I had proof. Good luck.

merdde · 25/03/2019 06:09

Take advantage of him when he’s asleep, use the face recognition to access his iPad and see what you can find on there.

It needs both eyes to be open for this exact reason.

Hailthelime · 25/03/2019 06:27

I’ve been there too. It’s very painful but you’ll get through it xxx

Birdie6 · 25/03/2019 06:32

Because of trains and alcohol he sometimes whenever he can stays overnight in a hotel.

But then you say he doesn't really drink .

Sorry but he is a terrible parent and a terrible husband. I'd leave him on the strength of this - you're being played for a fool, OP. Sorry but you are. And your kids are suffering along with you.

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