AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

[Clown77]

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

IMHO and IME

If you pay for her mobile calls, Internet etc or contract

I would buy a PAG brick mobile for £6

When she gets home ask her for her mobile and give her the brick one with £5 credit on it

Then she has the brick phone for 24 hours or 48 hours and her one is locked away

She will shout and scream that it is unfair etc

AND/OR you disconnect the wifi at home and hide all of the Chargers for her mobile, iPad and laptop

I do think though that you need to loosen the apron strings a bit cos in 3 years she will be going to university or work and you won't know anything that she gets up to

I have a dd the same age and wouldn't ask this from her. She (or her friends) would call me if there was a problem. She wouldn't see me asking for constant texts as love- she'd assume that I thought that she was incompetent or untrustworthy.

Are you friends with her on social media? A low key way to check on her would be her posting a pic on social media.

subis

What would be the purpose of OP going to the hassle of buying a new phone and credit for 24 hours?

I didn't really write it correctly, sorry

I meant that op has a £6 PAG phone brick or even a very very old phone that belonged to op 10 years ago that doesn't do Internet

If DD is rude and bratty then she swaps it over then DD might realise how lucky she is that her mum gave her a £500 phone with a contract

Or pays her phone bills

And that it is disrespectful to block her mum until she wants a lift somewhere

There is a story/joke/poem about a teenager wanting a lift but not communicating otherwise but can't remember the name

I do think that the apron strings need to be loosened soon cos otherwise when she leaves home she could completely rebel

*“I know that even one stabbing is one to many and awful- but how many have there actually been in London?“^

Trying to find a definitive answer to this... at least 18 stabbing related deaths in London so far this year. In 12 weeks. So obviously more than that because not everybody dies from it but I couldn’t find the figures in my quick search

If you're looking things up, look up how many people have died in road traffic accidents so far in 2019. I haven't googled, but I do know it will be way, way higher than this figure.

But, for some reason, we don't worry about this. No idea why, when the stats are far higher.

SO if you live in some village somewhere in the arse end of nowhere, and you end up having to walk home and there are no pavements or street lights, aren't you more at risk of harm than being in London, with all it's knife crime?

Clown77: You know all the posts on this thread that you've been ignoring. About 90% (ish) of all the posts you've had? All those ones which warn you that if you try to be too controlling, she'll push you away?
Well, that post of yours where you admit your DD and her friends have lied to you and other parents, etc is exactly what they're talking about.
You ask for appropriate consequences (by which I think you actually mean "punishments"). Perhaps try reading those threads you're ignoring (and take what they're saying on board) and communicate with your child.
Punishments won't work in this scenario... She'll just find other ways to subvert you. You need to get her on side.

But, I expect you'll ignore this post in the same way you've ignored all the others.

For me the real issue here OP is that you are anxious, and asking your DD to help manage that.
This is not really about your Dd at all. It is about you. And I think you need to find ways to manage your own anxiety, that does not pull your DD into this.

How can I put a tracker on without her knowing is there a way

In the nicest possible way ...
Get a grip.

Go to your GP and talk to him or her about your anxiety before you lose your DD completely.

There is probably more chance of her being mugged if you do ring her or text her

So she will have to get her phone out in public

Please don't get a tracker for her, she will figure it out and it will be worse

What happened before this weekend?

When she was 11, 12, 13 and 14?

Clown77: You know all the posts on this thread that you've been ignoring. About 90% (ish) of all the posts you've had? All those ones which warn you that if you try to be too controlling, she'll push you away? Well, that post of yours where you admit your DD and her friends have lied to you and other parents, etc is exactly what they're talking about. You ask for appropriate consequences (by which I think you actually mean "punishments"). Perhaps try reading those threads you're ignoring (and take what they're saying on board) and communicate with your child. Punishments won't work in this scenario... She'll just find other ways to subvert you. You need to get her on side.

Yes. You need to admit that you were wrong to ask her to text so often and that you will try to be more trusting in the future. Then see if you can get her to see why she was wrong to block you. Agree to wipe the slate clean and start again. You will treat her as more of a responsible grown up if she respects the fact that you worry and lets you know if plans change etc. Ask her to consider the dangers for herself of what she does (and did yesterday) and reassure her that she is to call you for help if she needs it, no matter what the situation is. That you won't get angry, you will just be relieved to keep her safe.

Don't get angry or punish for yesterday's shenanigans. Explain what could have happened and say that you hope that whatever she chooses to do in future she'll minimise risks. Say that you would obviously rather she avoids these places but if she does then keep herself safe by doing x, y and z and to call you/police If she gets in a situation she can't handle.

You need to work as a team to keep her safe. If you are at opposite ends pulling in different directions, then that is when she'll be vulnerable.

With teens I work on the basis that No news is good news during the day

At night I would ask a 15 year old to check in with me by text maybe once depending where they are

My ds 17 just started driving so I've moved in to a whole new level of fear lol

Leave her be, and let her feel accomplished in her growing independence. She knows she can call you if something goes wrong.

Actually the worry is that if you have a mum who is over anxious, you don't contact her if anything goes wrong. Because you fear your mum will totally over react, and forbid you in the future from doing very ordinary things. This actually leaves teenagers far more vulnerable.
If you want to keep teens safe, them being able to be honest with you is the most important thing.

^^ This

Do you and your dd at least have a code for "I want to leave so can you make up a false reason to get me out of here?" When my dd texts me XX, I call her about a fake emergency and she leaves. Happy to take the blame and we have a deal that she doesn't have to tell me why. (She always does later) Last time she text me was because some of the group she was with was going to go shoplifting and she didn't want to participate

The code tning is part of ewuippping your Dd to be safe and resilient and use her own judgement knowing she can get back up from you.

A much better approach than demanding texts to salve your anxiousness.

YANBU, She is your child and you just want to make sure she is safe.

I make no apology for this with my own children and we have rules in place that are very simple to follow.

I have explained to my children that I worry about them if they don't text or call and they understand that.

I wouldn't change what we do based on comments from complete strangers on the internet.

You sound like a lovely mum op.

Ye gods putting a secret tracker on her phone is beyond batshit

hobnobs I ahve a colleague who tracks her dd's phone. We'll be sitting at work and she'll suddenly say "Ethel is supposed to be in class and she's still at home" and start texting her. Ethel is 22, and at uni 2 hours away. Colleague doesn't think there's anything strange about this

This is why I like Snapmaps... I can keep a quiet check on my 13 and 15 years olds’ locations without having to ask them!

My dd doesn't have her Snap maps location turned on. She's find it an invasion of her privacy if I asked.

That’s up to you and her gummybears. When my two are 16 and therefore adults they can switch theirs off, but while they are still children I ask that they keep them on. I have always given them free rein otherwise - they have a lot of freedom and I have never gone through their phones, but ensuring their physical safety is non negotiable.

I'm 40 and married with 2 kids and I still let my mum know I've arrived safely! Admittedly now after a proper journey rather than at a restaurant. It's really no big deal. She's being an arse!

You let your mum know you have arrived safely when you go any journey, anywhere?
Sorry but that is seriously strange.

EmmaGrundy That is shocking.

No. A proper journey. Like, I dunno, a weekend away, let's say. I'd let her know we had arrived ok. Not from the supermarket, obviously. Point being, if it makes her worry less, it's really no big deal to do.

But why does your mother ask you to do that? I go to London fairly often for work. I would not phone my mum every week telling I got home safely. I can understand if you are taking a risky journey, but not just an ordinary driving or train journey.
And if she asked me to, I would say no. Because it is ridiculous.