AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

[Clown77]

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

I have a 15 year old and could probably be described as "anxious" about her safety, but I think v YABU sorry! As long as you trust the friend she is with; just let her enjoy the evening. Fifteen is old enough to let you know if something happens or they need help.

Consider this op - if you don't show trust in her - you the person arguably closest to her - however will she build trust in herself?

I was jumped on a residential road in a DesRes area, 6pm at night, 25 yrs ago. I'm still in the YABU camp.

Comparison:
At noon, I'm dropping 14yo DS off at a Parkour place today (to meet a friend).
Parkour looks pretty dodgy but it's a controlled envt to limit the risks.
After that he'll walk with a friend 1.5 miles into city centre (roads they haven't walked on before).
They'll go to a restaurant, and maybe poundland for snacks, before cinema.
Catching a bus to his friend's house (10 mile trip) after film.

No texts to me demanded. He's 5'7" tall & with a friend. They have google maps. They'll manage. He'll ring us around 8pm I predict for a lift. Has work tomorrow (1.5 hr paper round he does all by self in the dark).

Has she not been out with friends like this before? I drop my 12 yo off in the centre of town and pick up when I get a call. They decide on their own lunch and what they do.
Older DC14 has been to the local city (5 stops on train) with friends. We talked through the lost ticket thing as suggested by pp - Just as well as he lost it!
I honestly don’t think she needs to text you at all until she needs to be collected. You know where she’s going and who with, just let her know if it all goes wrong you’re around if needed, but part of growing up is working some of these things out for themselves.

I wouldn't make my 14 year old message me in those cotcunatnces. I would make my 11 year old, as she is new to this having freedom malarkey.

I think at 15 your dd should be quite capable of looking after herself without being checked on every 5 minutes. Though it does sound like we live in a safer area than you.

*circumstsnces

Oh god that was still wrong! Damn my phone circumstances

Yanbu. Its not hard for her to text 'safe' or 'im ok'. If she can't be bothered to text or look at her phone then i wouldn't let her go.

This is a very low risk situation with your DD, you really need to work on your anxiety before she gets to the partying age, going out late at night etc.

I know it's not easy, we all worry, but it's not fair on our DCs to be so over the top.

We also live in a place were stabbings and teenagers being mugged happens a frequently though. If I live in a safer place then I might be a bit more lax

Yes YABU.
However tell her that her poor old mum is just a bit silly and hasn’t got anything to do but worry and if she could possibly drop you a quick text you’ll feel better for it. You’ll get an eye roll but I expect she’ll text you. No skin off her nose, she’ll be attached to the blasted thing the entire time anyway.

i can understand what you are saying op but tbh if there had been mobiles when i was even 12 / 13 i would have been mortified if dm had contacted me in your dd shoes.sorry but i would have marked it as read and not responded.

Wow. Back off. It's irrelevant if she will be texting other people on and off all day.
Continue this over protectiveness and you face the risk of losing her.
Mine would contact me but I never demanded it. And I sure as hell wouldn't keep them in because they wouldn't text me. Surefire way of them leaving home sooner rather than later.

YABU
Over protective. Way OTT.
Ds1 is the same age, out all the time, and I'd never ask for that.
It'd be different if it was a long way away, at night, so you needed a text to say she'd got home to her friends house safely at 10pm.

So. You openly admit to being overprotective. That's nothing to be proud of. So, are you now going to back off? Address your overprotective ness? And give her a bit more slack?

Zbag Sat 23-Mar-19 09:15:43
We also live in a place were stabbings and teenagers being mugged happens a frequently though. If I live in a safer place then I might be a bit more lax

Can you explain how texting stops stabbings please Zbag I'm sure all sort of experts would like to know and I'm sure the police who have to wear those heavy anti stab vests would like to know how a text would serve them better

I honestly think technological advances have largely been a bad thing for parents with anxiety. Our parents, grandparents etc all raised children without smartphones and the ability to keep track of their children's movements in real time. I remember leaving the house mid morning on a Saturday aged 11 and spending the entire day out with friends, returning home early evening. No way of texting my parents, I just knew I had to be home by a certain time. I grew up in a crime ridden part of London considered extremely dangerous at the time.

If you are a parent prone to anxiety and can't get hold of your DC on their phone or haven't received a text then I can imagine it must send stress levels sky high whereas pre-mobiles you would just hope all was ok without this added layer of anxiety.

I'm also baffled by the claim that the OP's daughter sending her a text will keep her safe or prevent her falling victim to a crime As an aside, my young nephew never takes his phone out on the street if he can help it as this would make him an immediate target for moped thieves who roam the area.

I don't demand that my sons call me when they are out and about but they do. I ask them to let me know if their plans change and they are doing something or going somewhere different. They do it with good humour, laughing at their paranoid mum. Now they are driving they let me know they have arrived somewhere safely even if it's fairly local. Sometimes if I haven't heard from them for a while I send a quick text saying "you still alive", invariably they text back "no"

You don't stop worrying about your children just because they are growing up contrary to what weird mn people tell you. But you need to get the balance and tone right or they will be resentful.

I'm with the YABU camp, but would also say:

If you love someone, set them free.

You can't keep someone close to you just by wanting it, unfortunately otherwise I'd have been married to my teenage crush they have to choose it.

So just to update DD15 has agreed 1 message to say she’s arrived safely by texting I’m Alive Mum LOL and around 5pm she has promised me she be home

I have promised her i won’t message in between

She also said if she thinks she be late home she will let me know but more than likely she be on time

She's being really selfish refusing to message you. I'd not stand for it. One simple message, her friend doesn't even need to know it's to you, just to put your mind at ease.

If it was the evening then yanbu. But afternoon broad daylight lots of people around. Yabu. Shes 15.

I have always messaged my DC throughout the day so it wouldn't be odd for them to let me know when they have arrived somewhere. Usually a snapchat of the door or menu or a weird selfie in the restaurant!

What I'm trying to say is build up your normal day to day texting so it's no issue when she is out. Having to send a particular text at a specific time is a bit 'ruler' whereas if you get into the habit of being chatty by text (or snapchat/WhatsApp) then it's nothing to teens to let you know where they are. 'OMG mum we are in this place and blah blah blah'

Yes I agree

However she said she would message when I’m there as her friends have to message to let their mums know too

She told me they will go to the next town (10 mins on bus) which is fine