AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

[Clown77]

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

Do I win an award for slack parent of March 2019? 17yo DD is going to a party tonite. There will be drinking (but we have had a long chat about birth control decisions & preparation). We don't live in London but just had a convo like this:

DD: "Baz is picking me up. The party is Hackney and then Baz is driving us back to his house where I'll spend the night with Misha [her boyfriend, I can't remember his surname] in Chelsea."

Me: "Could you give me the details of any of these locations so that I can tell the police where to start looking?"

DD: "I don't know all the addresses. I'm not walking the streets on my own, mother! I'll be fine."

Me: "Could you at least put Track my Phone on your phone, so then you don't have to tell us anything, we can just check."

Her: "There's no room on my phone for any more Apps. THIS is why you have to buy me an iPhone 10!"

(sigh) I luffs teenagers. Truly I do.

@BackforGood that's similar to what I did.

And credentials. I'm also in high crime London. Still didn't/don't stifle them.

Forget a consequence.

You need to sit down with DD and have an honest dialogue where you listen to her perspective on her experience of your requests for texting.

You need to realise that a text from DD at a certain time telling you she is in X area having a burger with A, B, and C might not be
(A) - anything close to the truth. This means that
1 - reassurance from her in the form of texts at prearranged times is useless.
2 - you need to encourage truth and a sense of responsibility in DD,
3 - you need to focus on how best to bring those qualities out in DD.

It is also useless as
(B) she could be stabbed two minutes after texting* and where does that leave you?

• the likelihood of being stabbed is actually massively less that the likelihood of being hit by a car.

You need to stop fixating on the dangers of mugging and stabbing. DD can see for herself that she has never been stabbed or mugged and neither have you, even though you also live in London. No teenager has ever been swayed by an appeal to fear of danger. You will never get through to her by focusing on this. You will actually make yourself look like someone who is completely out of touch with reality and your advice will be dismissed.

So the conversation needs to focus on the question of trust. Not your fear of stabbing or mugging.

Ask DD if she had been lied to would she trust the liar again?

Ask her to tell you her plans in advance and to notify you in future if plans change.

Ask DD to give you a realistic idea of her return time, and to give enough time for you to get to the station in time for that prearranged pick up. You are not to sit at home waiting for a call from her. She needs to figure out her return time before you give permission.

Tell DD you will come and pick her up anywhere if she finds a situation worrying, and that you will not ask questions about what happened.

Do I win an award for slack parent of March 2019?

If your daughter is really friends with someone called Baz then yes, you win the slack parent award for the whole year! That's just not acceptable in this day and age.

I agree with BackForGood.

Am also the parent of older teens (have seen five of them through the teen years, youngest now 17) and I live in a city where people get shot as well as stabbed.

The key is dialogue and accepting that you can't stop the clock.

How does having a tracker make your child safe?

Yes, I live in London, too.

S London.

It was the middle of the day, a place, presumably with restaurants and shops.

My teens have been travelling alone with friends into central London since they were 13. Their closest centres to meet for a pizza are Brixton, Streatham and Peckham. None of these places are too 'unsafe' for teens having a pizza or visiting shops in the middle of the day.

There is NO reason to be so controlling of your Dd and I am truly not surprised she blocked you.

She is 15. You can choose now whether she becomes a really rebellious, devious and off the rails - or whether you start respecting her common sense and independence.

I bet she has a lot more street sense than you, with your attitudes about unsafe areas,

Sorry - I am cross now.

The consequence for this should be that you sit down with her and tell her you have been too protective and you will stop controlling her so much as long as she does not lie to you about where she is.

"Why not? You are obviously going to more worried if your child is statistically more at risk, surely?"

Unless the OP's Dd is male and black and spending her time on estates which have a gang issue she is actually statistically not at risk.

And believe it or not the vast majority of young people who do live on estates in a gang area, and their families, are also decent people living decent law abiding lives. And luckily statistically, given that London is a city of millions, you are still at infinitesimal risk.

I am sick of this neurotic shit.

I know that even one stabbing is one to many and awful- but how many have there actually been in London?

Snap - hotpotlawyer. You said what I wanted to say but you said it properly!

Asking her to text doesn't make her any more safe, it's to alleviate your anxiety. And that's not her job to manage, it's yours.

She is clearly already frustrated by this and may decide to tell you less and less if you continue to do this.

I think (in the nicest possible way) that YADBU. She is clearly telling you that she wants more independence ( which is what the teenage years are about). Your job as a parent is to help her reach that independence not to wrap her in cotton wool because you are worried about her in what is a.normal every day situation,having lunch with a friend

If she is asking you to back off ( which she is by refusing to text you in this situation) then it would be better to respect that as I think it will be better for your relationship in the long run.

YANBU it's courteous and respectful, you've asked her to do something that will take Seconds. You've not asked her to text you every 5 minutes. I agree with a pp, mine wouldn't be going anywhere with that kind of attitude.

“I know that even one stabbing is one to many and awful- but how many have there actually been in London?“

Trying to find a definitive answer to this... at least 18 stabbing related deaths in London so far this year. In 12 weeks. So obviously more than that because not everybody dies from it but I couldn’t find the figures in my quick search.

Op, as hard as it is we have to learn to let go and not smother our children so much. I get that, mine are 12 and 15, I think I would have asked for a text to let me know they were back and your DD should respect that. She’s have been checking her phone/social media whilst out anyway I am sure.
I’m sorry to hear she went elsewhere and lied to you, not acceptable in my book but I think you need to explain your worries to her and say that keeping in touch (reasonably) and staying honest with you is the only way she’s going to be allowed such freedom

She’s fifteen, with a friend and it’s daytime. I hope you left her alone and let her enjoy her day without emotionally blackmailing her.

You can choose now whether she becomes a really rebellious, devious and off the rails

This^^

And may I add, 'feeling she has noone sensible to turn to if things go tits up'.

Your daughter needs to have confidence in your ability to take care of your own feelings and anxiety, not to feel she has to take care of your feelings for you.

Blimey, it’s just a text. Don’t see how the DD sending OP a quick: “We’re here!” is the immense unreasonable intrusion most on this thread are convinced it is.

I think YABU, at 15 she needs to be able to judge risk herself and texting you a couple of times isn't going to make her any safer. I tell DD (who is 14) that I don't expect to hear from her when she's out and about unless she needs/wants to contact me. She's expected to let me know if plans change to such an extent that she's going to be back later or needs meeting from somewhere different.

We live in SE London and both DDs are aware of the stabbings locally. There's little that can be done to prevent random stabbings and she's not of a demographic that puts her at high risk of being targeted. We love living in London precisely because of the freedom it gives.

As the daughter of a very anxious mother- please step back and give her some space. It's not up to her to manage your feelings and you shouldn't make her feel like it is. As you can see, it will get you nowhere anyway! She needs to feel that she can trust you, which means you can't panic at everything she does.

Blimey, it’s just a text. Don’t see how the DD sending OP a quick: “We’re here!” is the immense unreasonable intrusion most on this thread are convinced it is

I agree now, I wouldn't have done at 15! I actually really like that someone cares that much about me and what happens to me to ask me send them a text or let them know I'm getting on OK etc. At 15, stifling, now I really don't mind. However, I text my parent multiple times a day so

@YeOldeTrout i really hope Baz is made up name😂

YANBU it's courteous and respectful, you've asked her to do something that will take Seconds

Agreed again

And believe it or not the vast majority of young people who do live on estates in a gang area, and their families, are also decent people living decent law abiding live

I never implied they weren't

Just to add some perspective here - London's population is 8.136 million.

Approximately 100,000 people in London die each year. Between 375 and 300 people die every day in the Greater London area (boroughs + City). About 7 deaths per day are from accidents.

For the future, how will you cope with your DD moving in with a partner or getting married?
The murderers of women tend to be male intimate partners, colleagues or friends of the victims.
www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-47146848

The number of killings in London linked to domestic abuse more than trebled last year, new figures have revealed.

Deputy commissioner of the Met Police Sir Stephen House said there were 29 deaths in 2018 compared with nine in 2017.

It is the highest amount of domestic abuse killings in the capital since 2015, where there were 31.

Sir Stephen said of the 29 domestic abuse killings in 2018, police had not identified any "real warning signs".

"I think there is a portrayal that every homicide in London is knife crime, gang related, young black man," the deputy commissioner said.

"That clearly is not the case."

Just because a particular type of crime makes the evening news doesn't mean it is likely to happen, or to happen to a member of one demographic. Domestic violence is a far greater threat to women and also to teenage girls.

You need to establish a solid relationship with your DD so that you can truly support her as she makes her way into the world.