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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

230 replies

Clown77 · 22/03/2019 22:54

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

OP posts:
GetStrongKeepFighting · 23/03/2019 12:54

JustAnotherPoster well obviously a text wouldn't haveHmm but if the mother didn't receive a text she would know to start looking for her child.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 13:11

However she said she would message when I’m there as her friends have to message to let their mums know too

That's great. But I do hope you take my advice and try to open up communication for the future.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/03/2019 15:41

but if the mother didn't receive a text she would know to start looking for her child.

But if real life happens, battery dies, no signal, dropped phone or just having fun with your mates but because of the expectation put on a 15year old thats going to highten the anxiety, and constant reassurance doesnt help anxiety it exacerbates it

Original poster
Clown77 · 23/03/2019 16:01

Just to update not only did DD15 block me she went to a town 25 mins by bus in a very unsafe area where she knows she’s not allowed to go too and her friends mum saw them there and gave them a lecture about letting us know when their plans change etc so we know They agreed and were both very sorry and understood so hopefully DD15 learns a lesson from this
What’s the best consequence for this behaviour though

OP posts:
Dramatical · 23/03/2019 16:02

They were not sorry. That was quite deliberate and clearly pre planned. They are sorry they got caught.

Try to open up the lines of communication for the future.

Kennehora · 23/03/2019 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 16:22

I'm not surprised she blocked you and isn't honest with her plans.
What would you have done if we still didn't have mobiles? Not let her out?
It won't be the first time nor the last time this happens. You can lay down the law and be even more strict with her. And in return, she can decide to leave before 18.

Original poster
Clown77 · 23/03/2019 16:42

I live in London where knife crimes and muggings happen every day so that’s why I worry when she goes out

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 23/03/2019 16:45

Like a PP said what happens if you don't receive a text (probably because DD forgets her phone or battery dies) ? Would you just worry even more or would you actually set out looking for her?

JacquesHammer · 23/03/2019 16:46

I don’t think it’s that big a deal.

I always kept in touch with my parents, the other side of the coin was because I was always open, honest and kept in touch they never said “no” to anything Grin

My mum still likes me to check in now I’m an adult if I’m away with work etc. It’s just kind to do.

multiplemum3 · 23/03/2019 17:41

You sound so overbearingly suffocating. No, theyre not sorry, they're sorry they got caught.

alaric77 · 23/03/2019 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NabooThatsWho · 23/03/2019 17:46

By being so uptight and controlling, you will push her away. You need to learn to trust her. In less than 3 years she will be legally an adult.

Totaldogsbody · 23/03/2019 17:49

I live in London where knife crimes and muggings happen every day so that’s why I worry when she goes out
The fact you live in London shouldnt make you anymore paranoid about her safety. Unfortunately living in a big city has all sorts of problems that we must contend with. I live in Glasgow ( I know London is much bigger) and never insisted my daughter's text me when they went out with friends which they did regularly at 15yo. How did you treat her brother at 15? Were you as strict with him? Did you live in London when you were a teenager? If so did you have freedoms that you don't permit your own children because of trouble you may have gotten into? If you lived in a quiet country village you'd still be facing the same issues because teenagers will be teenagers wherever they're brought up. Eventually they'll want to spread their wings, and you need to let them or lose them. Your daughter may go onto University in a few years or even work a long way from home, we can't be there to protect them all the time. All we can do is provide them with the means to handle themselves in any situation and letting them spread their wings enables them to do this.

Absurditi · 23/03/2019 17:50

I think it's a bit OTT. She is 15, with friends, 15 min walk, 1 train ride.

Absurditi · 23/03/2019 17:51

The fact you live in London shouldnt make you anymore paranoid about her safety.

How so? I would feel much better letting DD go off on her own where I grew up, than letting her go off in London... Higher crime rates, more paranoia

hooverlines · 23/03/2019 17:53

I know it's your baby and you want to know she's okay but she will see it as controlling and quite intrusive. Could you ask for a picture of the meal? And then drop her a text an hour later to ask what time she is likely to be home?

If you want info you need to make her feel comfortable so a general interest in her life will be well received. Worst thing to do is try to force her, just be normal about it and have a general chat about plans you both have etc. Less 'tell me where you are at all times because I'm your mother and you have too otherwise you'll make me ill with stress' and more 'any plans this weekend? Oh lovely let me know what you buy, fancy meeting me afterwards for lunch?'

Absurditi · 23/03/2019 17:54

Although tbh my mum still asks me to text her that I got home OK when I travel back to London after visiting Grin sometimes I forget, she worries. No big deal, and I would hate the thought of her being anxious about me if I didn't message.

I am 23 and was staying with her recently, went on a night out drinking and clubs with friends, I would periodically send my mum a text to let her know where we were/plans. Because I don't want her to worry and it does me no harm.

So, actually, I may be conflicted.

Chocolate35 · 23/03/2019 17:55

I disagree with the majority on this. I’m in London too and I expect DD to let me know when she changes location. I don’t think YABU at all. Make it clear that she is allowed some freedom as long as she’s honest but it’s safer if you know where she is. My daughter and her friends are all on trackers and are fine with it. I can handle being called overprotective and suffocating if it means my children are safe. I let DD have the odd drink and go to parties, I let her have her social time but I must know where she is at all times. We’re very close and she tells me loads.

Totaldogsbody · 23/03/2019 17:58

You dont need to live in London to face crime, it happens in any village, on any street or city is my point. Yeah living in London maybe harder but if she grows up tied to her mum's apron strings she won't know what to watch out for when things do happen and this will make her more of a target.

AuntMarch · 23/03/2019 17:58

I'm surprised you even know her plans! I used to leave to stay at a friends or meet up with friends in the morning and then be expected to either be home by a certain time or have let mum know I was staying at a friend's house for the evening. (I might have said "we might go out for lunch can I borrow a tenner" I suppose)

BackforGood · 23/03/2019 17:58

I think that has demonstrated exactly what is going to happen - and it will get worse as she gets older.

What you should be focusing on is her resiliance, and working on building the trust that you have neglected to build up to now, hence resulting in this situation.

I've 3 dc, all of them older than 15. When they've wanted to go to places, I've got them to think about the hows / wheres / and, most importantly the 'what ifs'. I've let them know that if they were ever in proper trouble I'd come and get them in a heartbeat, but that I need to know where they are to be able to do that. It is about trust and it is about treating them as the age they are.

Oh, and as we are showing all credentials, we too live in a City where sadly several young people have lost their lives to stabbings already this year. Interestingly, the nearest she has come to that is the stabbing outside her school just as the pupils were tipping out.

Absurditi · 23/03/2019 17:59

Trackers!? That's too far. I think I'd have left home ! Grin

NunoGoncalves · 23/03/2019 18:02

The fact you live in London shouldnt make you anymore paranoid about her safety

Why not? You are obviously going to more worried if your child is statistically more at risk, surely?

Absurditi · 23/03/2019 18:03

You dont need to live in London to face crime, it happens in any village, on any street or city is my point

Of course not, but you are more at risk in areas with high crime to be the victim of a crime, so understandable why parents would worry more in high crime areas

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