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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

230 replies

Clown77 · 22/03/2019 22:54

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 23/03/2019 19:49

Compromise. Go for the one text when she gets back.

BackforGood · 23/03/2019 19:55

Blimey, it’s just a text. Don’t see how the DD sending OP a quick: “We’re here!” is the immense unreasonable intrusion most on this thread are convinced it is

No, it's micro-managing and showing she doesn't trust her dd / has no confidence in her to make the right decisions.

cantbebotheredtoday · 23/03/2019 19:56

I'd perhaps ask her to text you once she gets back to her friends house, just to say had a nice lunch, that's us back now etc. But I wouldn't ask her to text when she got to the restaurant. She's 15.

NunoGoncalves · 23/03/2019 20:07

Unless the OP's Dd is male and black and spending her time on estates which have a gang issue she is actually statistically not at risk.

I said statistically MORE at risk. Than in a village I meant, because I was responding to a PP who siad that you shouldn't be any more worried about your kids in London (or any major city) than in a village, which I disagreed with. And I still do disagree with that. I'm not being neurotic. I live somewhere more dangerous than London and I worry more about my kids here than I would in London and more than I would in an English village. It's a logical feeling.

Original poster
Clown77 · 23/03/2019 20:20

Ok just to make things more clear the moment my DD15 got in the car for me to take her she kicked up a fuss and told me she’s blocking me she actually blocked me for the whole day didn’t message me and went to a town where it was very unsafe with knife crimes/stabbing she (even just now in the news a stabbing happened in this unsafe area I told her not to go to) she then phoned me to tell me she blocked me while her friends were laughing in the background and I’m suppose to accept this cos she is a teenager who wants her independence I never even messaged her at all until she messaged me to say she’s blocked me and won’t be until tonight

OP posts:
Absurditi · 23/03/2019 20:20

No, it's micro-managing and showing she doesn't trust her dd / has no confidence in her to make the right decisions

My mum asks me to message her when I get home after a visit because she cares and wants to know if I arrived safely, not because she doesn't trust me or my decisions Hmm. I don't resent her for it at all, I find it endearing.

Absurditi · 23/03/2019 20:22

she then phoned me to tell me she blocked me while her friends were laughing in the background and I’m suppose to accept this
She was showing off in that case, probably bragged about how she blocked you and can get away with it. If I blocked my nan I'd have been punished for sure

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 20:25

She is doing this because she feels stifled and untrusted. She doesn’t have respect for you because she doesn’t feel respected. Yes being a parent to teens is hard but you have to let them grow.

It’s all well and good posters sayingthey Wouldnt let her go but they don’t realise they cannot stop someone determined to go out. Yes they might keep their kids in this time but come Monday after school is a different matter.

SofaSurfer20 · 23/03/2019 20:26

Tracker on phone. She doesn't have to message y8u and you know she's safe. Win win.

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 20:31

Tracker on phones are only good if they have their phones on them. Oops sorry I accidentally left it at friends house.
Oops my battery died.
Apps can get deleted.
Trackers don’t show there has been an accident.
They give a false sense of security.
And tbph a lot of teens will know how to get round this or even have a spare unknown phone. And don’t delude yourselfs thinking impossible, pocket money etc all can easily be used.

Original poster
Clown77 · 23/03/2019 20:31

How can I put a tracker on without her knowing is there a way

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/03/2019 20:34

“Tracker on phone. She doesn't have to message y8u and you know she's safe. Win win.”
How does having a tracker on her phone mean you know she’s safe? And what do you think it would do to your relationship if she discovered you’d tracked her secretly? Please din’t Do that!

Stargazer888 · 23/03/2019 20:36

Do not put a tracker on and not tell her. That will break any trust she has with you. My mom was over protective and controlling and it destroyed our relationship for years.

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 23/03/2019 20:37

Just so you know I used to text my mum back to say I was safely at my mates house whilst simultaneously being fingered in a back alley by someone I'd just met. A text doesn't prove she's being a dutiful daughter!

JustDanceAddict · 23/03/2019 20:39

Eh?
My 14 yr old DS goes into central London w friends during the day and we don’t contact each other. I only message him if I want to know if he’s home for dinner!! He is my youngest too.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/03/2019 20:41

You've not asked her to text you every 5 minutes

*Blimey, it’s just a text. Don’t see how the DD sending OP a quick: “We’re here!” is the immense unreasonable intrusion most on this thread are convinced it is.8

The OP is already anxious and expecting her daughter to manage that for her, so it wont be long before the 2 texts become 3 and so on so forth, how much time does the OP's daughter need to spend managing her mothers anxiety before it becomes not ok for some of you, control no mater how reasonable it seems is still control

LazariaMoon · 23/03/2019 20:44

control no mater how reasonable it seems is still control

control is not always bad, especially not in small doses. No control is very bad, too much is very bad, I just don't think a text is too much.

BackforGood · 23/03/2019 21:03

Your post at 20:20:11 though is completely different from what you asked in your OP, and what most postes have been answering.

Yes, of course you need to respond to that but that isn't what you asked at first.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 21:18

How can I put a tracker on without her knowing is there a way

Is there any reason you have ignored the suggestion to open up lines of communication between you and your DD?

Putting a tracker on your DD without her knowing isn't the answer.

SinglePringle · 23/03/2019 21:55

If I discovered my parents had put a tracker on my phone (had they existed) without my knowledge, I would have gone fucking mental and probably not gone home for a good few days.

OP pretty much 99% of responders to your post have suggested YABU and have counselled communication, trust, management of your anxiety and a loosening of the apron strings.

You’ve clearly not listened if your response to her ‘jeering’ is to install a tracking device.

TALK TO HER LIKE THE DEMI-ADULT SHE IS BECOMMING

Firefliess · 23/03/2019 23:27

My DD is 15 and like you I worry about her when she's out and about. A couple of years back (when she was about 13 and a lot of her freedom still quite new) we agreed to use Google location to share. I put it as a recipical thing - DH and I share too, it's occasionally useful to figure out when he'll be home without needing to ask. It went ok for a year or so until I accused DD of being out at the park late at night (as I could see she was) when she'd told me she was round a friend's. After that she turned Google location off and I've had to let it drop.

If your DD just finds it annoying having to text you OP then you could see if she'd be up for sharing location via Google location or something similar. But don't try to do it without her agreement. Also, be aware they aren't 100% reliable. Sometimes they freeze and can't find a current location, which might just make you worry more.

Best to focus on teaching her how to cope if she does have some kind of crisis - get mugged, lose a phone, get lost, etc - focus on her needs rather than your own needs to be reassured regularly.

PhilomenaButterfly · 23/03/2019 23:30

YABU. What do you think is going to happen? Confused

PhilomenaButterfly · 23/03/2019 23:44

I also live in London, but seriously, I was out clubbing until 4am at that age, with no mobile phone.

Tigger001 · 24/03/2019 00:04

@Clown77 I have just had a glimpse of myself in 13.5 years time with my son 😜😜😜 ( my hubby laughs saying I will only let our DS move out when he 21, I agree only if it's just next door though )

I would say that it only takes a min to send a message to put your mind at rest, at 15 if my mum asked me to I would, just to giver her piece of mind.

HotpotLawyer · 24/03/2019 00:07

Where is this very unsafe town where she is in danger of being stabbed at lunchtime?

Please name the place so that the rest of us with London teens can keep them away.