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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

230 replies

Clown77 · 22/03/2019 22:54

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/03/2019 05:37

I know its horrible to struggle with the anxiety issues op.but keep trying to remember to step in front of yourself when putting them to yoru dd. but in a families when someone suffers with these things you do bend and work together a bit to make sure the sufferer is ok too. you have to find the balance though.
all illness's make family members adapt.just make sure she doesn't suffer aswell.

jasmine1971 · 23/03/2019 05:45

OP you have to go with what is right for you. If you want your daughter to check in with you, of course that's not BU. But try to give her some space as well. Let her know that you expect her to check in with you either when she gets to the restaurant, is leaving the restaurant or has got to her friends house.

It may be that you see her social media pages i.e. would you see if she checks in on FB with a friend, and would this put your mind at rest? Either way she would be letting you know she was okay.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/03/2019 05:49

I agree I’m overprotective totally but I want

Yes I do have anxiety problems which I am trying to deal with and do realise it isn’t right to put them in D15 however a 10 second text [where dd takes responsibility for my anxiety] won’t hurt

You can wrap this up and justify yourself as much as you want. Bottom line you’re admitting you’re unreasonable and simultaneously have no desire to change. You say yes it should be like this but I want it like that. You say you don’t think your dd should take responsibility for your anxiety however you expect her to manage it by sending you a text.

I get that it’s tough to let your children go. However you need to otherwise you’re going to push her away. Good on her for pushing back. This situation is all about you. About not having felt loved and cherished. And your anxiety, which i assume is a result of your upbringing.

Silversky70 · 23/03/2019 06:13

I think you need to be careful that to avoid all this hassle in future, she will simply start lying to you about her whereabouts, and you don't want that. If she needs you she'll text you I'm sure.

jarhead123 · 23/03/2019 06:18

YANBU.

It's just a respectful thing to do imo - I always had to send a quick message to let my parents know, I'd hate them to be worried about me and I could solve it so quickly by a simple text.

bmbonanza · 23/03/2019 06:26

A bit over protective but if that is the rule then if she doesnt agree she doesnt go.....

GetStrongKeepFighting · 23/03/2019 06:28

YANBU at all. Recently a man was stabbed to death on a train. A text to say arrived there then back is totally reasonable. My dd is 15, middle child, and she has to let me know when she's got somewhere and when she stayed away overnight was expected to check in. She didn't as often as we wanted, she did it maybe twice, there are consequences. Your dd is being very selfish and rude.

Danglingmod · 23/03/2019 06:29

I'm quite a strict parent but I think yab massively u. This isn't actually anything about her safety or you showing her love, it's about your anxiety. Don't put it on to her. It's not fair.

(When I was 14/15, I had a Saturday job so stayed home alone all weekend each time my younger siblings and parents went away for the weekend.)

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/03/2019 06:33

I dont think YRBU at all. It takes seconds to send a text and put your mind at rest. She will be on her phone the whole time anyway...

Snog · 23/03/2019 06:37

YABU this is over the top.
I understand that it is hard to step back but after you have done it once or twice it will be easier.

happymum12345 · 23/03/2019 06:40

I would be the same as you. It takes seconds to txt ‘I’m here’.

Zoflorabore · 23/03/2019 06:55

Jeez you need to lighten up a bit op

My ds turned 16 a couple of weeks ago and from last summer onwards whilst still 15 he was travelling all over the country to watch his football team play away. Often being dropped at coach at 6am and picked up at 9/10/11/12 at night. He also has Aspergers and I've nothing to gain by being over protective.
He's actually extremely sensible and tells me everything ( too much information at times ) but I trust him completely and see lots of his friends being treated like babies.

She will be fine Flowers

OliviaBenson · 23/03/2019 06:59

Did you place the same rules on your son when he was the same age?

floribunda18 · 23/03/2019 07:01

I wouldn't bother with that with my 13 y o. I did ask her to let me know she had got to her friends house ok for a sleepover when she was going straight after school yesterday (they were getting the bus together) . Just so I could then say "Have a nice evening" and arrange a time to pick her up.

I think if it was an evening thing and your DD had to make their own way there with a friend it would be reasonable to ask her to text you when she got there.

Mememeplease · 23/03/2019 07:04

That request would be ok at 11 or even up to 13, but she's too old now for that level of keeping an eye on.
I get the feeling. I'm sure lots of us do, however you need to realise that it's not healthy to continue doing this. You need to teach her to be confident whilst staying safe. If you are over the top with the small stuff then she is less likely to listen to you about the bigger stuff and she'll take greater risks because "it's mum just being ridiculous again"

BertrandRussell · 23/03/2019 07:08

“This isn't actually anything about her safety or you showing her love, it's about your anxiety. Don't put it on to her. It's not fair.”

Absolutely this.

She is getting to the age where the minimum communication should start moving towards what you would expect from an adult you were living with. When mine were this age, I expected them to tell me if plans changed. So if they had said they were going to McDonalds in Town A, I expected to be told if they decided to go to Town B instead.

We also had a thing they called HMP- Humour Mum’s Paranoia, which I asked for sometimes. For example- we live near the sea, and that scared me as they got older. So I asked to be told when they left the beach, so I could relax. Because I didn’t expect to keep really close tabs on them, they were prepared to go along with me on stuff like that. Ds is 18 now, and still lets me know when he gets to wherever he is spending the night. It’s a courtesy, he knows it makes me feel better and he’s happy to do it. If he’d had to fight for a bit of freedom when he was younger, I doubt if he would be prepared to be kind to his old mum now!

I also told them not to do anything that would make me look like a bad mum if they went missing and I had to do a TV appeal. DD told me recently that that stopped her doing a couple of daft things as an older teen.......

Amimissingsomethinghere · 23/03/2019 07:13

Yanbu, in my opinion..

Angelicinnocent · 23/03/2019 07:18

How about a compromise of 1 text when she gets back to friends house.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/03/2019 07:23

YANBU at all. Recently a man was stabbed to death on a train. A text to say arrived there then back is totally reasonable.

Could you explain how a text would have altered that situation?

SinglePringle · 23/03/2019 07:41

YABU.

It’s not just the fact you’re making her responsible for ‘not’ causing your anxiety, it’s the fact you are stopping her from living a private life. She is entitled to have time away from you, not thinking of you, some ‘alone’ time with her friend. Your desire for a text interrupts that, makes her feel childlike and unable to have some privacy.

By refusing to respond to your text, she’s putting some pretty healthy boundaries in place, in - what you should see as - a pretty safe way: you’ll know where she is and who she is with and what time she’ll be back.

Give her her space and privacy.

Firefliess · 23/03/2019 08:08

A more sensible precaution might be to exchange mobile numbers with one or two of her friends (or friend them on FB if that would be appropriate). Or with their parents if that would work better for you. If DD is taken ill or something they'd then be able to contact you and let you know. Otherwise assume she's ok and will contact you if she needs to.

Texting to say "I'm ok" is pretty useless as a means of actually keeping someone safe. It's not actually going to make her any less likely to be mugged, etc. (And if she was mugged and lost her phone might just add to her distress knowing you'd be worrying and she couldn't contact you). It's only value is to help your own anxiety, but can backfire if you're expecting someone to text and they forget, as it then just makes you more anxious. There are better ways to manage your anxiety

HotpotLawyer · 23/03/2019 08:34

Sorry OP, I think you are making her feel claustrophobic, and at 15 she has a right to do something perfectly ordinary without you making demands on her.

Is it the train that makes you anxious? What if she was walking a mile or so?

We need to do what we need to do to keep our kids safe but when we cocoon them for OUR need, that is a different matter, and I think you are crossing the line here.

You will have your reasons, and hopefully can be honest and open enough (since you have taken one step by asking here) to address them for your self and free your Dd from the responsibility.

Good luck!

Sparklingbrook · 23/03/2019 08:38

I don't think this is necessary at all but understand why you would want to.

I have teens and I have on many occasions had to stop myself doing similar, had to have a word with myself!

yearinyearout · 23/03/2019 08:39

You are being way over the top...at 15 she is perfectly capable of going out with a friend for lunch without having to check in.

HotpotLawyer · 23/03/2019 08:41

And rather than bugging her to text you to (in some useless way) re-assure you she hasn’t been mugged, you would be better off calmly talking her through what she would do if she lost her phone / ticket etc, to make sure she is equipped with ways to address a problem and resilient.

Though I am sure at 15 she is more than capable.