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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to DD15 when she’s out with friends

230 replies

Clown77 · 22/03/2019 22:54

My DD15 is going out with a friend tomorrow I’m dropping off at her friends house then they are getting the train (15min walk from her friends house) then going 1 stop down to a casual restaurant to eat then back to her house again.

I told my DD15 to message me when she arrives at restaurant and when she gets back to her friends house but she said she’s not a baby I do know her friends mum will most likely message her (not sure though) so AIBU to expect DD15 to message me and if she doesn’t AIBU to message her

OP posts:
sansou · 22/03/2019 23:43

Location on her phone - my DS(15) can go out with his friends subject to this condition.

Original poster
Clown77 · 22/03/2019 23:45

MeandWinealone
Yes I did take offence but don't worry its ok All is forgiven now

yes I think I do need to keep myself occupied
I am getting my shopping delivered in the afternoon and got laundry to catch up on so hopefully that will keep me busy

will have another chat with her just to tell her to send me a thumbs up that she is ok

Def wasn't saying to her to text me every 10 mins I just told her one message when she gets to the restaurant and one message when back at her friends house to tell me when to pick her up

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 22/03/2019 23:46

YABU
The more you insist on, what is such a safe activity, the more she'll push against it when less safe things come up in the next few years.
Leave her be.

AirBiscuit · 22/03/2019 23:47

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls did your mum text you in the middle of it?

Justaboutawake · 22/03/2019 23:49

In her defence she’s probably just worried about being embarrassed that she will be texting her mum but they will all be on their phones at some point and a super quick emoji will do no harm.

I get it. I have a pre-teen and it’s fucking hard letting go and telling yourself they will be ok. Me and DD have come up with a system that a thumbs up means I’ll leave her be and a thumbs down will be the sign for me to call with a fake excuse for me to pick her up to come home.

getback · 22/03/2019 23:53

Absolutely ridiculous typical sheep like responses on AIBU. Who does she think she is? Stating that if you message her she will refuse to read it? If she wanted reassurance when you were out would you point bank refuse to acknowledge it on the basis it was unnecessary? I can't believe the posters encouraging so much disrespect, irrelevant what time it is, you are worried, it takes her five seconds and puts your mind at rest!

getback · 22/03/2019 23:57

I think it's obtrusive to have to text your mum when you're out at dinner. It interrupts her evening. It won't keep her any safer either

Lol you don't have teenage kids do you? They will be glued to their phones all night, nobody will know what she's doing

IncrediblySadToo · 22/03/2019 23:57

There are two separate issues here.

It doesn’t matter what other people think, they won’t be the ones supporting you should anything happen, she’s your DD, you decide what you’re comfortable with & you are extra anxious due to the muggings etc and you just want to know she’s safe. Tell her that. The amount teens are on their phones her mate doesn’t even need to know she’s done it

Secondly, and more importantly, she’d be going no where with that attitude. She’d be staying home with no phone or tablet this weekend. Cheeky little madam.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 22/03/2019 23:59

Def wasn't saying to her to text me every 10 mins I just told her one message when she gets to the restaurant and one message when back at her friends house to tell me when to pick her up

Reassurances can’t be a rocky road they never really serve their purpose if you’re already anxious, what if next time you feel like 2 texts weren’t enough to keep you reassured?

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/03/2019 00:00
  • can be
BoomBoomsCousin · 23/03/2019 00:07

It isn't just embarrassment at calling you, she will most likely also be annoyed at having to spend her emotional energy tending to her mother's anxiety. She will want to be texting her friends selfies and dealing with the latest teen drama/gossip/serious issue not thinking about how her mum worries about everything and her needs for reassurance, which isn't really something a 15 year old should have to think about in regards to her parent.

Keeping yourself busy is a good idea. Having her text you is a bad idea because it's not necessary, it will make you worry more about her and, probably, feed your anxiety more than it will sate it. If she forgets, gets distracted, is too busy or drops her phone, etc. (all things that are more likely than her actually being mugged at 1:30 in the afternoon) it makes the whole trip out into a big drama - both for you as you worry about where she is and for her as you try to get hold of her. You also run the risk of feeding any anxiety she might have or develop about being out in the world - insinuating it's risky for her to walk a mile and catch a train and you need to check on her.

BlackPrism · 23/03/2019 00:09

My mum left me on my own every weekend at 15 😂 you know you're being a little OTT.

PawPawNoodle · 23/03/2019 00:13

When I was 15 I simply wouldn't have told my parents my travel plans so there would be nothing to worry about!

I'm 28 now and my gran asks me to text her when I'm safely home after visiting, which I do despite feeling it unnecessary. It is a kindness to her and takes a few moments.

BackforGood · 23/03/2019 00:16

I know you didn't ask her to text every 10 mins. My point was even if she did text you every 10mins, it wouldn't keep her safe if something terrible were going to happen.

It really isn't a 15 yr olds responsibility to be dealing with your anxiety though. Not fair to put that on her. She is doing an incredibly safe activity. You should be encouraging that confidence not fussing about making her worry about 1001 unlikely 'what ifs'.
You said she is 15. This isn't (I presume?) the first time she has gone somewhere without an adult ?
Presumably she has been getting herself to school and back for the last 4 (maybe 3.5) years ?

Original poster
Clown77 · 23/03/2019 00:23

Yes she comes from school on her own (I drop off only because I leave for work at that time and I have to pass the school on my way to work)

Occasionally after school she gets the train (1 stop) then gets the bus to go out with friends and to be fair to her she is always home around 5pm to 530pm latest (she does message me when she has arrived and when she is on her way back home or if she is running late etc)

Yes I do have anxiety problems which I am trying to deal with and I do realise it isn't right to put them on DD15 however a 10 second text won't hurt either whether it is afternoon or night time.

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 23/03/2019 00:24

In the nicest possibly way, I think you're being ridiculously over controlling.

I don't think she's being a "madam" AT ALL.

I think she's planning a perfectly normal, age-appropriate get together with her friends which is nothing to do with her parent.

Different if she's got a difficult journey from A to B (with changes) or it's late at night or with a different crowd.

This scenario is NONE of these and don't understand why the parent has to insert themselves into the planned event.

YES, the child should communicate if the plan changes, or needs help or support.

But, otherwise? Nothing to do with the parent.

colditz · 23/03/2019 00:32

My 12 year old has more autonomy than that, stop being silly

GrandTheftWalrus · 23/03/2019 02:06

When I was 15 I went on a family holiday and brought a friend and we were told we could do what we wanted as long as we were back at hotel by midnight.

Same rules applied at 16 almost 17 on a different holiday however the time was changed to 2am.

My parents however still tell me to be careful and look after myself even though I am now 34 with my own dd.

mathanxiety · 23/03/2019 03:03

She did say she would message me when to pick her up so not sure when during the day that would be

Let's say the train arrives at your station at 6, it takes you twenty minutes to get to the station from home plus time for you to get your coat and bag and shoes together, so she texts at 5.30. This is you asking her to be considerate, and also keeping her safe as it's not great to be standing around at a station waiting for a lift. If there is a train delay, she texts you with whatever info she has as she gets it so you are not left cooling your heels at the station.

Wrt the muggings and stabbings, if something were to happen you would be notified as long as the friend is ok and as long as she has an In Case of Emergency ('ICE') number on her. She could text you on cue (as you are now asking her to do) to say she was fine and five seconds later she could be mugged so you are looking for a false assurance. Actually what you are seeking here is a sense of control over a situation that you really can't have. You need to work on accepting that some things are going to be out of your control and that that is ok.

Having her text you at intervals is only about you and your anxiety problem. Don't lay this on her. It will drive a wedge between you - her job is not to take care of your emotional needs. It will also make her think twice about confiding in you about any real problems she encounters either while out or in daily life/school/on the bus, etc., - she will consider it her first duty to mind your feelings, and she will fear that revealing info on anything scary will make you less likely to let her out.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/03/2019 04:39

however a 10 second text won't hurt either whether it is afternoon or night time.

Yes, it will. It's pushing your anxiety on to her. It's making her responsible for your emotional needs. It's making her think situations are more dangerous than they are. And it's also not good for you. Having people pander to your anxiety will exacerbate it, not help it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/03/2019 04:42

Just to be clear - a 10 second text isn't the issue. The issue is that she has to remember it or she "causes" you to get anxious. So she has to think about it, to some extent, all the time until it's done. It's mental load that she should not have to bear. Asking her to be considerate of you is reasonable.. Asking her to jump through hoops because you have anxiety is different.

HollyWoods8224 · 23/03/2019 04:44

FWIW I’m almost 30 and I still txt my dad to let him know I’m home safe (not everyday, but if I’ve been to visit him or if I was on a long drive home from holidays etc).

Hes never asked me to, but I do it anyway.

Totaldogsbody · 23/03/2019 05:24

0P i think you ABVU its in the middle of the day. You say you are very close but you need to cut the apron strings or you will risk driving her away. I can understand your anxiety I have 2 DDs but I realised that they needed space to grow and actually become aware of the different environments that they may have to deal with. As parents I don't think we ever stop worrying I tell my daughter's that no matter if I'm in my 90s and they're in their 60s I'll still be worrying. It's better if we don't know what they're up to sometimes cos they'll do whatever they want to, as I'm sure you did at that age.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 23/03/2019 05:29

Totally with getback here, she'll probably be texting friends all day, it wouldn't hurt her to text her mum too. OP isn't keeping tabs on her, she just wants to know she's safe, how can that be unreasonable

PBobs · 23/03/2019 05:29

YABU. There are a myriad of ways to show your child that you love and care for them as I am sure you know. This is not one of them. You run the risk of her not telling you when she does stuff because she can't be bothered with the "nagging". I also read a great article the other day about research into being overly protective and "nagging" and how detrimental it is to children's resilience. I'll see if I can find if you're interested.

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