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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not really a single parent

180 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 22/03/2019 22:23

I posted a status on Facebook earlier saying in a jokey way how hard it was to have a shower as a single parent. My aunt who lives abroad commented 'well you're not really a single parent are you'.
I asked her to clarify thinking that she might have not realised me and STBXH had separated. She replied well STBXH helps out a lot and what ever happens you still have the boys keeping you together'. I replied saying that actually STBXH only has the boys one day a week and rarely pays maintenance etc and I do everything for my boys. She then said there no need to be like that.
AIBU to be really pissed off that she said that.
Tbh she lives abroad and hasn't seen STBXH since we split and his lovely persona has slipped (he's a manipulative bastard and noone else saw it until after we split and his mask started to slip).

OP posts:
TwistinMyMelon · 22/03/2019 22:25

What a twat. My ex does 50/50 but I am still a single parent. Block and ignore.

Myoldtable · 22/03/2019 22:38

I think there is a difference between being a single parent and a solo parent. I was a solo parent of my dd. Her father had died as had both my parents and I had no siblings. I had a friend whose partner had keft her with 2dds but he had them every other w/end and one night in the week. I felt she had it a lot easier as she was free on alternative w/ends to have a life whereas I had no breaks at all.

freddiethegreat · 22/03/2019 22:40

Well there are resident parents with non-resident co-parents. The amount of co-parenting will vary massively from family to family. There are obviously also non-resident parents with resident co-parents. There is parenting with more or less absent other parents. And there are lone parents, whose children, whether by IVF or single parent adoption have no legal second parent. All are single parents, but there is a difference - & pros & cons to that difference - between ‘ex has the kids once a week or more’ & ‘there is no second parent at all’.

freddiethegreat · 22/03/2019 22:42

IVF & adoption are clearly NOT the only routes to lone parenting, by the way ...

jessicawessica · 22/03/2019 22:49

One day a week "help" from NRP does make you a single parent.
Tell her to do one.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 22/03/2019 22:49

I think what pissed me off was that she made out the STBXH was doing atleast 50% of the parenting which isn't true. He's made my life hell the last six months and I think her making out that he's been lovely etc really set me off.
myoldtable sorry to hear that it must be the hardest thing in the world.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 22/03/2019 22:52

Does she have a really low standard for men in general?
Some women seem to look upon any penis wearer that has anything to do with kids,especially by choice(even if one day a week) as some kind of hero.

2rebecca · 22/03/2019 22:53

As a divorced and remarried woman I hate the term single parent. Most children have 2 parents. Their parents just may have chosen not to live together. You don't stop being a parent just because you divorce. The idea of the mother as the main "single" parent is outdated. Fathers can be good parents too. You don't have to choose a feckless loser to have kids with.

jessicawessica · 22/03/2019 22:55

My EX tells everyone he has his DCs all weekend.
Bollocks....I am told not to drop them off before 8pm on a Friday as he needs time to relax after work. Then I have to pick them up no later than 9am on a Sunday as he has to get to his golf.
Sorry but to me that basically equates to one day.

anon400 · 22/03/2019 22:55

No one is a single parent if they have a living dad of their child.

Vulpine · 22/03/2019 22:56

Whether the ex takes the kids for one weekend in a blue moon or 50/50, you still have to pay the bills and keep a roof over your kids head.

YouWinAgain · 22/03/2019 22:58

I'm a single parent. I have DD in my care (even if she's at Nursery or with my mum, she's legally in my care) 90% of the time. I do all the s**t jobs; dealing with illness, problems at Nursery, I do all her appointments. I even do all the discipline as she sees so little of her dad (36 hours over a fortnight) that she is really well behaved for him.

You are a single parent too.

DangerMouse17 · 22/03/2019 23:01

anon400

No one is a single parent if they have a living dad of their child.

Hmm

I beg to differ. My son's father was an abusive cocklodger who the police took out of my home when my ds was 9mths old. He lives 5mins around the corner (see him driving by) but he's never provided for his child, nor sent him so much as a birthday card. My son is now 8 and wouldn't know him if be bumped into him across the street.

I'm most definitely a single parent.

firawla · 22/03/2019 23:02

If you’ve split up, and are single then obviously that makes you a single parent. Sharing custody of the kids a few days a week, or less, doesn’t mean you’re no longer single parent.. your aunt just seems to be argumentative for no reason!

FullOfJellyBeans · 22/03/2019 23:03

As a divorced and remarried woman I hate the term single parent. Most children have 2 parents. Their parents just may have chosen not to live together. You don't stop being a parent just because you divorce. The idea of the mother as the main "single" parent is outdated. Fathers can be good parents too. You don't have to choose a feckless loser to have kids with.

Not exactly a helpful or relevant comment. Whether or not the idea of it is outdated OP is the main carer of her children. I doubt that OP realised he'd turn out to be a manipulative dick when she met and had children with him just as you didn't realise your first marriage wouldn't work out when you entered it.

NuffSaidSam · 22/03/2019 23:04

It's hard to define really.

I agree there is a definite difference between single and solo parenting. I think solo parent is what people used to mean when they said single parent i.e. one adult with children, no other parent around at all.

I don't think you're a single parent if someone else is doing 50% whether you live with them or not.

Lots of people who live with their partner do more than 50%, but wouldn't count themselves a single parent.

Then there are people who are married to their child's other parent, but that parent is not actually there a lot of the time.....in the armed forces, oil rig worker, in prison etc. They're actually doing more 'single parenting' than someone whose ex lives round the corner and does 50%.

It's difficult to define and I don't know if it really matters. Everyone's situation is different and has its own challenges.

CordeliaEarhart · 22/03/2019 23:13

You're a single parent if you are the parent of a child and do the majority of the parenting. So you are definitely a single parent. I've never heard of solo parenting.

PearlandRubies194 · 22/03/2019 23:18

@2rebecca I’m really pleased that you had a positive outcome for your family; it sounds like despite divorcing your children’s father, he’s continued to be responsible and cooperative in his parenting role. Perhaps if you’d had a less positive outcome though, you wouldn’t ‘hate’ the term so much.

Because let me assure you, not everyone falls in love, plans their future or has a family with someone they believe is a ‘feckless fucker’. In my case, he was wonderful. I loved him. Until I fled to the refuge with my two because he threw me out on a rural road and sped off with the baby.

He portrays himself as this wonderful father, lots of photos on social media which earns so many praise for being a ‘good dad’ (funnily enough, from other women). Yes, he pays maintenance. But he’s never been to a school play, sports day, Parent’s Evening...didn’t even ask how their first day at school went. I’m the one with the Calpol and cuddles at 2am, I’m the one that wipes the tears when they’re hurt, I do the mundane nit checking and homework. So I am a single parent, I also work and study. That term is not outdated because not every child has two parents.

DefinitelyCommisery · 22/03/2019 23:20

2rebecca: I didn’t choose a feckless loser to have kids with. I had a husband of 13 years who decided to have a personality transplant overnight and fucked many many prostitutes and subsequently decided not to have anything to do with children as it made him face into his mistakes. He wasn’t a feckless loser before, it was not my fault he made those choices.
I agree that the term single mother is outdated when 50/50 custody is in play, but you went and shit on that feminist stance with your follow up comment.

But carry on putting yourself on a pedestal as it’s clearly easier than accepting you could have been in the same position, pat yourself on the back for your excellent life choices. I’m pleased for your children that your separation still prioritises your children, but I’ll be damned to fuck if I’ll let people blame me for the unforeseen actions of another. I didn’t choose a feckless loser. His own actions turned him into one overnight. My situation was not avoidable through my own choices.

Moominmammaatsea · 22/03/2019 23:21

@anon400, I’m a bit confused...I’m an adoptive parent to two children...one birth father hanged himself in prison and the other was responsible for the death of a 10-week-old baby. According to your (very arbitrary) criteria, can you please advise which category I fall into, as I have one living father and one dead?

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2019 23:24

8As a divorced and remarried woman I hate the term single parent. Most children have 2 parents. Their parents just may have chosen not to live together. You don't stop being a parent just because you divorce. The idea of the mother as the main "single" parent is outdated. Fathers can be good parents too. You don't have to choose a feckless loser to have kids with*

Oh do fuck the fuck off! Do you ACTUALLY THINK I chose a feckless loser to have kids with? I didn't think so at the time after a very long marriage, but guess what? He turned out to be a feckless loser. I didn't bloody CHOOSE it! As a resulf of this I am my DS's ONLY parent. How dare you make such an assumption. MANY kids do ONLY have one parent...I am in that situation. Your judgement is disgusting.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2019 23:26

Really unfortunate highlight fail in my post but @2rebecca, it was aimed at you with your patronising shit.

Verynice · 22/03/2019 23:27

I think that for me, being a completely single only parent, I get where she was coming from. You'll never understand what it's like to be entirely alone in every decision, in every worry. It's just different. Even if your ex is a prick, he gives you a break and you can ring him if you're worried about illness/development. They usually contribute something financially too. I've dated guys who have their children at the weekends and they tell me they're single parents lol. I just smile and nod.

NuffSaidSam · 22/03/2019 23:28

'You're a single parent if you are the parent of a child and do the majority of the parenting'

But that covers all sahp. Many of whom are married to and/or live with their children's other parent and they probably don't consider themselves single parents. It's not what most people would perceive as a single parent either.

YouWinAgain · 22/03/2019 23:30

Even if your ex is a prick, he gives you a break and you can ring him if you're worried about illness/development.

No i can't. If I ring him worried about anything he'll say I chose to leave him so I have to deal with (despite him being violent and controlling)