You're not really a single parent

[Noodledoodlesandspud]

I posted a status on Facebook earlier saying in a jokey way how hard it was to have a shower as a single parent. My aunt who lives abroad commented 'well you're not really a single parent are you'.
I asked her to clarify thinking that she might have not realised me and STBXH had separated. She replied well STBXH helps out a lot and what ever happens you still have the boys keeping you together'. I replied saying that actually STBXH only has the boys one day a week and rarely pays maintenance etc and I do everything for my boys. She then said there no need to be like that.
AIBU to be really pissed off that she said that.
Tbh she lives abroad and hasn't seen STBXH since we split and his lovely persona has slipped (he's a manipulative bastard and noone else saw it until after we split and his mask started to slip).

@anon400

My ex left when my youngest was 4 months old. We didnt see him again. That was 5 years ago. He was alive but we had no contact from him or his family.... do I qualify as a single parent or does he get the credit of being a parent simply for still being alive?

I’m shocked by some of the replies particularly by non single parents I’m divorced and raise my children on my own, they visit their dad a couple of hours a week no overnight and he doesn’t get involved in things like appointments, school stuff etc that’s all on me on top of working full time. I am a single mum as in single no relationship with father or anyone else. I do 95% of the work raising my children single handed. If their dad did 50/50 I’d still be single, him helping more wouldn’t make us in a relationship. If you’re raising a child without a dad in the picture whatsoever you’re a lone parent as in the only parent available to the child. The legal terms if you were claiming benefits for example would be that you’re a single parent if you’re the only adult/parent living in the household. If you remarry or get a new partner you are no longer a single parent as you have another adult to help out/share financial burdens etc. I have a good friend whose husband works 60+ hours a week most weeks and she always moans she’s basically a single parent. I understand that he’s not around often so she does the majority of the work, but she’s still married still has that other income and extra pair of hands when he’s home, so it does hurt to hear it thrown around so easily these days. No one wants to be single because their husband is a liar or cheat but it happens, hold you’re head high ladies and be proud of what you achieved alone.

Dd has never met her dad and i have had about 200 of him in 10 years. That said it makes my life a lot easier in reality.

If their dad is still in the picture, you’re not a single parent. You still have that person to share your child’s achievements and problems with, someone who has a parent’s bond with them. A single parent doesn’t have anyone to share that with in the same way. When your child first walks/talks etc. the only person who could feel the same as you would be the other parent, and being a single parent you just don’t have that. I think it’s insulting to describe yourself as a single parent when true single parents don’t get that and don’t get a break from the child’s dad every other weekend or whatever

The fact is if you get divorced then you are a single parent.
Legally you are now single.
I have been divorced for years.
Legally I have to tick the divorced box.
I might not like it but that is what it is.
I've no idea why people are getting so worked up about this.
Whether you receive decent financial support is irrelevant.

The same applies to marriage.
If you are married then you are married. It Does not matter how great your spouse is.

You might be still married but essentially be a single parent, depending on how parenting is shared... It could be a nightmare scenario in which you do everything for the children and have to look after a nauseating adult baby! I've seen it... But I also don't like the term single parent. I would definitely not want to be called that if DP and I divorced, even if he didn't contribute much. I don't think those unclear tags are helpful for anyone involved: single, solo... Better describe what the problem is when necessary than have that generic - and sometimes stigmatising - definition.

If their dad is still in the picture, you’re not a single parent.

right or wrong, why does it even matter?

You might be a widow with lovely grand-parents and siblings who will be very involved in your child's life.
You might be someone who left an abusive relationship and has never been happier to be on their own with the kids.

On the other hand, not a single parent, you might be happily married with a full-time partner but crippled with PND and struggling immensely.

Why the fuck does it matter and why does it have to be a competition! Can't people find something else to be proud of than being the most miserable?

I'm a single parent and DD's dad is dead. When he was alive we hardly saw him and he contributed nothing, all he brought was stress and excuses. I am very proud of the fact that I've raised DD alone, without any help from anyone (physical, emotional or financial) and I think I've done a great job.

If you are not in a relationship you are a single parent. There is no scale. Some single parents get help from ex-partners, or from family and friends; some don't.

I am fed up with all the negative and nasty comments from individuals, the media and the government about how bad it is to be a single parent. I have dealt with a lot, but this has been the hardest thing to deal with. The stigma for single parents hasn't gone away, it's time people grew up and just accepted that families come in all shapes and sizes and if you have one loving parent growing up then you are a lot better off than the majority of people.

DH is forces and has just been deployed for 8 months. We would have the occasional phone conversation but parenting for those 9 months had been solely done by me. We have no family nearby at all. It really makes me realise how extraordinarily different it must be for some lone parents. The thing is though, some lone parents will have lots of family support or people around them who will help but I literally have had no one for those 9 months. But I wasn't classed as a lone parent because I have a DH. I couldn't post on their threads because I don't fit into that box. But what box do I fit into?

I think this must be extraordinarily difficult for you and I’m not taking away from that, but you do have the benefit of your DH’s salary coming into your household. I think some parents do the same on their own for 12 months of the year and don’t have that financial benefit which results in (sometimes and not necessarily always the case) housing, money towards childcare etc.

Of course you will also get some married couples where one partner is home a lot of the time and does no childcare or housework, and is also financially abusive so the other person feels they cannot leave yet does everything without any support.

I think it’s too difficult to put people into boxes and assume all the same.

Omg I thought this would be a thread about married women whose husbands work away a lot and say they’re a ‘single parent’ while he’s away 🤣 YANBU at all OP.

I didn’t choose a feckless loser. As it happens.

I left. After years of emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse.

We were supposed to do 50/50.

It didn’t work out like that.

He now has no contact.

I love the division between deserving and undeserving. Nice to know I’m undeserving.

Yes. I’m a single parent. He’s still alive. I wish he was dead.

What a really odd thread to read. I think I'm a single parent because I am not in a relationship.i thought that all the term meant. Obviously the reality is different for every situation.

DCs dad sees them a lot, he's great with them. But when they are with me it's just me. For me it's not so much about being tired etc. It's those little moments you want to share, DC has a bump, does something great at school etc. Nobody gets it like my ex and we don't share that anymore. I miss that.

Also while I'm really happy that co parenting is working out well for DC I NEVER stop missing them. I'm missing half their lives and currently in bed having a little tearful moment that I don't see them until late tomorrow. Ofcourse it is about what is best for DC and I'll get up and keep myself busy. But I'd much rather not have so much free time. Every situation has its challenges.

OP your Aunt sounds very annoying.

You are not a single parent if you are married, trust me.
It is not the same having the benefit of another parents income, having the luxuries which that provides, having another pair of hands, having their support, having the extra discipline etc etc etc.
No matter how much you moan about it, it is still a benefit.

Now compare that to a parent who does not see their dc. You now have all the stress of the breakdown to deal with - alone.
Often no financial or very minimal financial support.
The pain that the dc are going through is all off loaded onto you.
No parent to share the burden with, no parent to back you up.
The list is endless.
It is not the same being married as single in any way shape or form.
Yes some, and I believe the minority of rp, get good support from the nrp but seriously why do you think the cms exists?
Why are courts full of cases dealing with disputes between parents.
Why do rp have to seek the help from solicitors to try and make the nrp do the decent thing and financially support their dc.

The list is endless.
It is very insulting to imply that being married makes you as hard up as being a single parent.

If it's so great then do it.

I'm not a single parent I'm a solo parent to my 2 dd and I have a son who has fortnightly access with his father when he can be bothered. There's a difference between single and solo a massive one

@Pastapastaandmorepasta

Does there have to be a hierarchy of single parenting?

My first husband was an alcoholic, never paid a single penny in maintenance, and, after I left him, he went abroad for 17 years without letting our 2 children know whether he was dead or alive. Only got in touch later when he was ill and needed them.

My second husband has paid maintenance every month since we separated, though I know that he has seriously under-reported his earnings and he thinks I am too stupid to know (I've always known, just avoiding the fall out). However he has never had them over-night in the 10 years we have been separated (except for a couple of times when they were on holiday with other people). He doesn't cook for them, or take an interest. He occasionally gives them pocket money. All practical and emotional support is down to me.

I am a single parent now, and I was a single parent then. Some people are single parents inside a marriage, when their partner gives them zero support.

Why are we competing against each other instead of supporting each other?

thought this would be a thread about married women whose husbands work away a lot and say they’re a ‘single parent’ while he’s away

tell you what, you try being married to someone who is away 8 months a year, or an extreme case who only come twice a year and is away the rest of the time to send money to his family, and then you come back to tell us how easy these married women have it, why don't you.

Yes. I’m a single parent. He’s still alive. I wish he was dead.

I can fully understand why you would write that. My life did get easier when DD's dad died. It is terrible still having to continue some sort of a relationship with an abusive ex and see your children go off with them. Plus the lies they tell to others can be so damaging.

I’m a single parent. A lone parent. Dating someone. Very definitely “with” the man I’m seeing but he hasn’t met DD. Nor will he, for a good while yet

So am I single parent, a lone parent, or something else?

Thank you thedisorganisedmum. You hit the nail on the head there.

Namechanger thank you.

He’s a narcissistic abuser. He has no contact but the damage continues to cause effects. To me and to DD. I wish I’d never met him. He didn’t change until I was pregnant. (Common, for abusive men, for all the “you picked him” brigade). I live in dread of passing him in town. With his new woman. Who stalks my social media and spreads lies about me. They both do.

If I’d shagged half the men they say they i have and drunk as much as they say I do I’d have had some life.

As it is, I’m basically teetotal (responsible parent, rural, child) and it took years for me to feel I was ready for a relationship.

Bluebadgen - It's such a shame women have to put up with this crap and then have others pile in on the bullying. Just keep doing what you're doing, rise above it all and be the best parent.

tympanic thank you, I needed to hear that. I posted this for a little bit of support not a competition to see who has it worst.

I’m a single parent, I’m not a lone parent. I’m pretty happy that after 5 years I’m in the best place to decide how to “label” my situation.

Competitive single-parenting is utterly ridiculous.

OP your aunt was unpleasant.

I do sometimes have to bite my tongue when single mum friends complain to me about being single mums, but when they have shared custody or child virtually lives with their grandparents. I bite my tongue as I’m not in their shoes and don’t want to judge them

I am a single mum (for 10 years) and only 1 of my children will have contact with their father once a week. I am full time responsible for 1 DC and 90% for the other
He doesn’t come to parents evenings or do anything parent related for the DC whatsoever. He just has one of them round once a week to play with his young child for a few hours

Yesterday my DC who doesn’t visit him was in tears feeling rejected by him. When dealing with that I felt so overwhelmed at doing the job of 2 parents ALL THE TIME and so bad for my DD that she is in this situation. I wish I did have a better child’s father I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!