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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

You're not really a single parent

180 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 22/03/2019 22:23

I posted a status on Facebook earlier saying in a jokey way how hard it was to have a shower as a single parent. My aunt who lives abroad commented 'well you're not really a single parent are you'.
I asked her to clarify thinking that she might have not realised me and STBXH had separated. She replied well STBXH helps out a lot and what ever happens you still have the boys keeping you together'. I replied saying that actually STBXH only has the boys one day a week and rarely pays maintenance etc and I do everything for my boys. She then said there no need to be like that.
AIBU to be really pissed off that she said that.
Tbh she lives abroad and hasn't seen STBXH since we split and his lovely persona has slipped (he's a manipulative bastard and noone else saw it until after we split and his mask started to slip).

OP posts:

codswallup · 23/03/2019 09:23

Surely single parent and solo parent is the same thing. If you are the main parent who looks after your children for the majority of the time, you are a single/solo parent. The 'who has it worst' on this thread is hilarious, we should be supporting each other. OP you are definitely a single parent and when your kids get older and more independent you can look forward to as much time as you want in the shower. Your aunt sounds like a silly lady with no clue about your life. Keep going, you're doing a fab job.

Pastapastaandmorepasta · 23/03/2019 09:26

OP my DC save all their questions until I'm in the shower. I started locking the bathroom door for privacy escape but I now seem to spend half the time shouting over the noise of the shower "I can't hear you! Is it urgent?!".

Thanks tympanic.

Babdoc · 23/03/2019 09:30

It’s not a competition, and all mums should be supportive of each other. Parenting is tough for everyone.
However, purely on grounds of clarity of meaning, it might be useful to have a word to distinguish between a completely lone mother and one whose DC spend part of the time with a non resident dad.
I was widowed when my DC were both babies in nappies, and raised them completely alone.
I had one weekend off in 18 years. No relatives within 250 miles.
I think that’s a bit different to having every second weekend off, if an ex partner is having them.
Maybe “solo parent” for widows or completely lone parents, and “single parent” for those with the dad partly helping in childcare?

PandaBlue · 23/03/2019 09:48

tell you what, you try being married to someone who is away 8 months a year, or an extreme case who only come twice a year and is away the rest of the time to send money to his family, and then you come back to tell us how easy these married women have it, why don't you.

No one is saying that's easy. I'm sure it's tough. But it's absolutely not the same as having no partner at all. Do you know why? In 8 months he will be home. It's finite. You know there is an end point. Yes he may go away again, but you have periods of support from the father of your children. Married/ partnered people have very little idea what it's like to face a future of no one coming home at all.

JacquesHammer · 23/03/2019 09:48

I think that’s a bit different to having every second weekend off, if an ex partner is having them

I really dislike weekends when I don’t have my child being referred to as “time off”. It really isn’t.

YogaWannabe · 23/03/2019 09:54

Sounds like a tacky discussion to have on social media

emilybrontescorsett · 23/03/2019 09:56

Why should single parents have extra labels?
Seriously there is enough labelling of women and yes it generally is women.
Why does it matter.
With regards to the op whatever her circumstances are she is entitled to say what she likes on fb without her aunt getting arsey.
If you have children and are alone with them, it is difficult to have a shower in peace.
Would the aunt have jumped down a man's throat if he was the primary carer and mentioned he couldn't even go to the bathroom in peace?
We all know the answer to that.
Would people be jumping up and down if a woman pissed off, didn't see her dc again, didn't pay maintenance and her ex said life could be difficult?
Would people be raging well at least you have your kids, your kids do have a motger, you are not a single parent really are you, your ex is still alive!!!!!
Try having a wide who works away from home. At least you have a brother you can call on, I have nobody!!

That's why women get annoyed.
Still we are judged.

NameChangex3 · 23/03/2019 09:57

Why not @JacquesHammer?

You might miss them, worry about them, I would agree you still carry a mental load - but you still have time alone, you can catch up on sleep, work out, go out alone... etc.

NinnieNouse · 23/03/2019 09:57

@PFB2 Your husband is in the military, there are many in your position. You fit in a box with them.

JacquesHammer · 23/03/2019 10:00

You might miss them, worry about them, I would agree you still carry a mental load - but you still have time alone, you can catch up on sleep, work out, go out alone... etc

Because when my DD’s father has her I work. Much like another of other single parents I know.

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 10:00

Why is it slays women having a go at other women in these sort of debates?

It’s not a competition.

JacquesHammer · 23/03/2019 10:00

*another number

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 10:02

*always

PFB2 · 23/03/2019 10:03

I don't think anyone's saying it's the same. Do you have any idea of the emotional implications on the children of saying goodbye to one parent and going such long periods without them and then the child having to adjust again to having them around when they come home. Just for that cycle to repeat itself? The tears, the broken hearts that you have to try to mend as best you can when there is a big hole in their life that you just can't fill. There are many challenges that come hand in hand with having spouses who work away for long spells. At one point, my DC spent 12 months out of a 14 month period without their dad. That was extremely tough for them emotionally.

There are many challenges and having a spouse who works overseas a lot is not automatically easier than being a single parent. Just the same way that having a husband who is around all the time doesn't automatically make life easier than being a single parent. There are so so many factors at play such as what your support network is like, what your financial situation is, whether you are in a relationship or in an abusive relationship, or single. It's not a contest but some people like to discount other people's challenges because apparently they have it worse. It's pathetic in all honesty. None of us have walked in each other's shoes so we truly can not compare our situations.

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 10:05

Do you have any idea of the emotional implications on a child of having their father in their life, out of their life, in their life, out of their lives? Broken promises. Bad mouthing their mother. Allegations to SS.

Yes thanks. I do. That and more.

You have no idea what it’s likemfor me.

PFB2 · 23/03/2019 10:08

You have no idea what it’s like for me

Yes, I realise that. Which is why I said we cannot and should not compare, because we have never walked in each other's shoes. As I said, it's not a competition.

NameChanger22 · 23/03/2019 10:10

I feel sorry for all parents. Hardly anyone knows what they've let themselves in for. It's often harder to be a parent when there's a father around, for all kinds of reasons.

thedisorganisedmum · 23/03/2019 10:12

PandaBlue
No, it's not the same, but my point was against turning it into a competition. It's just hard. What makes it harder is telling the (usually) women "it's easier for you", or "you are used to it, so that's easy". Can't we just leave it as "it's hard".

The exact same situation will also be felt differently by 2 different families anyway.

Some divorced parent will really suffer from being completely abandoned by their ex, and the kids having no contact.
Others will struggle massively with being forced not to have their kids every weekend or second weekend, to have the influence of the other one parenting style. Some are even unable to accept to see their children happy with their ex and new partner! (which is less reasonable, but who is rational all the time).

Even if someone has experienced a partner away for months and find it easier doesn't mean it's easy for someone else.

thedisorganisedmum · 23/03/2019 10:13

You have no idea what it’s likemfor me.

exactly.
and that applies to everyone, so no one can say they have it easier or harder than anyone else. A bit of support instead of childish competition would be great.

Pastapastaandmorepasta · 23/03/2019 10:16

And still it carries on....why on earth the need to compare? Why can't one situation be difficult in one way and another in a totally different way. I can only assume the desire to say but my situation is worse comes from having a tough time and not feeling supported and understood. Yet by pitching it like this, my experience/your experience women are perpetuating that lack of support and understand for others.

None of us have walked in each other's shoes so we truly can not compare our situations. Absolutely.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2019 10:30

I am not a single parent. I did not choose this. We did not choose this.

Major difference between widows and single parents.

Whereas I clearly chose to have my XH go fuck someone else whilst I was pregnant.

Idiotic. It's not a fucking competition.

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 10:33

Exactly soup.

I chose to have my ex beat the crap out of me and rape me and emotionally abuse me.

Dead on.

MRex · 23/03/2019 10:34

Well, so now you know your aunt isn't supportive it's probably not worth keeping in touch with her much. Christmas and birthdays should do it.

Fighting over labels seems unhelpful, particularly when people are struggling on both sides.

MotherOfDragonite · 23/03/2019 10:36

I'm a solo parent, and I see that there are some differences, but I do think that a single parent is anyone who has primary custody even if they do have "help" from the non-resident parent seeing their own children too.

If you're single and you've got children with you for the bulk of the time, you're a single parent.

justilou1 · 23/03/2019 10:45

In the nicest possible way, her total lack of insight into her life (and lack of questions) kinda makes your aunt a bit of a dick... she obviously had some preconceived ideas about why you are in your situation and that it’s entirely your decision.

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