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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're not really a single parent

180 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 22/03/2019 22:23

I posted a status on Facebook earlier saying in a jokey way how hard it was to have a shower as a single parent. My aunt who lives abroad commented 'well you're not really a single parent are you'.
I asked her to clarify thinking that she might have not realised me and STBXH had separated. She replied well STBXH helps out a lot and what ever happens you still have the boys keeping you together'. I replied saying that actually STBXH only has the boys one day a week and rarely pays maintenance etc and I do everything for my boys. She then said there no need to be like that.
AIBU to be really pissed off that she said that.
Tbh she lives abroad and hasn't seen STBXH since we split and his lovely persona has slipped (he's a manipulative bastard and noone else saw it until after we split and his mask started to slip).

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 23/03/2019 00:29

Never paid a penny, didn't write or call or pass on his new address. I have seen him 3 times after that day, each time for about an hour. But I guess my mum wasn't a single parent because he was still alive? What a load of shit.

Very well said.

There are some very self-involved, unimaginative, meanspirited posters on this thread.

Bellabellabel · 23/03/2019 00:47

I agree with her. You aren't a single parent if there is a dad around. Only those with no contribution from the father at all or a dead dad are single parents. I think you should use term separated or divorced mum.

Same opinion when it comes to everyone having a dad. Even with anonymous sperm donors conception. Yes they do have a dad but they just may not know who they are. Biology means everyone has a father, we don't clone people yet.

RedTitsMcGinty · 23/03/2019 00:50

I am not a single parent. I did not choose this. We did not choose this.

Oh yeah, I totally chose for my ex-husband, faithful for many years, to cheat on me and walk out and abscond from his parenting responsibilities. 🙄

As for choosing a “feckless loser”... Jeez, there are some right dicks on this thread.

Snowy111 · 23/03/2019 00:51

I do sometimes call myself a single parent but perhaps it’s more accurate to say resident parent or main carer. I am lucky that my ex pays, but he doesn’t regularly have dcs. And as my dcs are getting older I find it’s easier for me when he doesn’t have them, because meal planning, clothes, social events, uniforms, homework, all routine gets disrupted when he has them, and when they come back it takes a day to adjust to each other again. They sort of transfer allegiance at each move and become slightly less close - hard to explain!

As the main carer all the appointments, uniform shopping, clothes and shoe shopping, emergency leave, play dates and parties, holidays, washing and ironing, school trips, parents evenings, dress up days, school projects etc are down to me. He doesn’t have to do anything, although when he does everyone knows about it Hmm

I ALWAYS have to put the kids first and am the default if they are ill or he cancels last minute, he always has the choice.

Every situation is different and people are quick to make assumptions

runwithme · 23/03/2019 00:51

'helps out'??? I can't get past this!

PorpentinaScamander · 23/03/2019 00:53

I'm so glad some of the posters on this thread don't get to define what a single parent is.

I didn't choose for my ex to walk out on me and 2 small children. Yes he's still alive but I don't think his 6 hours per week (only with 1DC) contact have any impact on how much parenting I have to do.

CanILeavenowplease · 23/03/2019 00:55

I think you should use term separated or divorced mum

But a separated or divorced mum is still a single mum.

And why should I have to define myself in terms of a failed marriage? I single parent brilliantly (most of the time) and am proud of who I am and what I have achieved. Why do you get to dictate to me how I should think of myself or how I would,prefer people to refer to me?

ColeHawlins · 23/03/2019 00:56

I agree with her. You aren't a single parent if there is a dad around. Only those with no contribution from the father at all or a dead dad are single parents.

No, no; You can't group dead dads in with the MIA dads. We've already established that being widowed is noble but being abandoned is just sloppy, because abandoned mothers are just idiots who deliberately choose to procreate with feckless men. Do try to keep up.

Monty27 · 23/03/2019 00:57

I had a senior manager who purported to be a single parent. Then I found out they all lived together as a family and were loaded 🙄🙄
Angry

ReanimatedSGB · 23/03/2019 00:58

I tend to define myself as a single parent because I don't engage in romantic relationships and my DS' dad doesn't live with DS and me. However, he's a good, involved father, pays maintenance and we get on reasonably well (to the point of having family outings and the occasional holiday.) It's possibly relevant that DS' dad and I were not a couple when we concieved him - we were old drinking buddies who had a bunk up one night - so there has been no bitter break up to deal with.
I know a lot of single parents are unimpressed when someone whose partner lives in the same house but does sod all domestic work and childcare says 'Oh, I feel like a single parent'.

Monty27 · 23/03/2019 00:59

They weren't married. She got so much attention being a single parent not and recognition career wise.

NuffSaidSam · 23/03/2019 01:04

Essentially the term 'single parent' is meaningless as it means completely different thing to different people. It doesn't actually tell you anything about someone's situation.

TheLoneWolfDies · 23/03/2019 01:22

🍿

pineapplebryanbrown · 23/03/2019 01:24

Taking notes:

Single mother = unmarried. Def slut, poss teenager
Lone parent = sperm doner recipient. Rad fem, probs lesbian
Widowed = not choice / not harlot like rest

As for me? Nobody asks, it's obvious.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/03/2019 03:02

Oh do fuck off rebecca. Its rare i come across such an ignorant view

I didnt choose a feckless loser to have kids with. I was happily married for more than 20 years until he devoloped mental health problems and became violent.
And I am most certainly a single parent as he does bugger all.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 03:03

No, no; You can't group dead dads in with the MIA dads. We've already established that being widowed is noble but being abandoned is just sloppy, because abandoned mothers are just idiots who deliberately choose to procreate with feckless men. Do try to keep up.

It's very like the recent thread where people were posting about cervical cancer screening, and being positive for HPV. It was inundated by posters declaring their negative results! Harlot that I am, of course I was positive lol. People are very eager to point out their purity in the UK. Being a single mother who chose - yes - I picked him out of a line-up - chose! to reproduce with a thundering cunt, makes you a cunt of equally thundering proportions! Like we go to the man shop and say - I'll have that cunt there - he looks like he could do a runner.

brizzlemint · 23/03/2019 03:07

If you are a parent who is not in a relationship then you are a single parent.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 23/03/2019 03:10

Wow, I didn't realise that a word was such a big issue.
When I posted this I was just thinking about how she was pointing out that he was still involved so everything was OK. Yes he's still involved in their lives. But he is a controlling twat and every time he comes to the door I feel sick. He's threatened me, used my kids against me, manipulated me etc and it hurt that she was making out that I didn't have anything to complain about. (not that I was complaining, just saying I'd like to be able to take a nice long shower).

OP posts:
Verynice · 23/03/2019 03:16

Well now you know. Grin

Zoflorabore · 23/03/2019 03:25

Makes me laugh that anyone can give themselves a new name overnight and we have to accept this and go forward using chosen said name but if a person identifies as a "single parent" then they're told by some that it's not the correct terminology.

How is that right?

However some people want to dress it up, being a single parent is bloody hard work.
Been there and now not one. I have several
friends who are. Who the hell am I to tell them that they're not actually single parents as their useless exes are still alive and do the absolute bare minimum of parenting?!

Wallywobbles · 23/03/2019 03:25

My ex told someone we both know that he has that 50/50. He hadn't seen them since 2015.

tympanic · 23/03/2019 03:31

OP, your aunt is being abrasive and unfair. Some aunts are like that. Best ignore that completely. Sounds like she has her own issues to me if she can’t be supportive of you during rough times and instead decides to pick on something stupid. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

As for the debate about what being a single parent is... that’s a tricky one. Sometimes I feel like I’m a single parent despite the fact my husband lives mostly with us, because he’s rarely home during awake hours and when he is home he’s not doing any real parenting. I never get a break. But I would never say I was a single parent. On the other hand, I have a friend whose DH works on rotation a few weeks away and has a few weeks at home. She calls herself a single parent despite the fact he shares the load or more when he’s home. I wouldn’t say she was a single parent either. The term means different things to different people.

floribunda18 · 23/03/2019 03:41

Just remember you can delete other people's comments on your posts on Facebook, and respond by PM.

ConstantGravy · 23/03/2019 04:09

Wow, some people have very strong opinions about this.

I split from my DS' Dad nearly 10 years ago. He stayed in the picture for 5 years but never did overnight as he wasn't in a position to. He did everything yo avoid paying maintenance, including making himself intentionally homeless. In the end he moved to the other side of the world and is now living it up somewhere in NZ. DS has had absolutely no contact for over 3.5 years.

XP has no input in DS life. I don't know where he is or how to contact him. He's blocked me on SM. So no, I can't just call him to discuss things and I don't get a break. For all we know he could be dead. I guess I have Schrodinger's ex?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 23/03/2019 04:14

OP you’re not unreasonable to be pissed off. I can only assume your aunt has set the bar really low for herself regarding what constitutes a good man/father. Sad for her, irritating beyond belief for you.

FWIW I am a single parent. That’s how I view myself. I don’t much care if other people agree. My children go to their dad once a fortnight. There is no contact in between. He is an abusive cunt (we were in refuge because of him) and as a result I can never fully relax while my children are with him. I make all parenting decisions for the children, (he hasn’t shown any interest in doing so at all) I buy them everything, and I am not in a position where I can ask him for help with anything. As I said, he is abusive. I’ve been advised not to ask for any kind of favour from him by professionals. I wouldn’t anyway.

It’s all my own fault obviously. Silly me, knowingly choosing such a loser to have children with Hmm