You're not really a single parent

[Noodledoodlesandspud]

I posted a status on Facebook earlier saying in a jokey way how hard it was to have a shower as a single parent. My aunt who lives abroad commented 'well you're not really a single parent are you'.
I asked her to clarify thinking that she might have not realised me and STBXH had separated. She replied well STBXH helps out a lot and what ever happens you still have the boys keeping you together'. I replied saying that actually STBXH only has the boys one day a week and rarely pays maintenance etc and I do everything for my boys. She then said there no need to be like that.
AIBU to be really pissed off that she said that.
Tbh she lives abroad and hasn't seen STBXH since we split and his lovely persona has slipped (he's a manipulative bastard and noone else saw it until after we split and his mask started to slip).

I really wouldn’t have gotten into it with your aunt on a public forum - really tacky and disrespectful to your children airing family business like that. I’d delete the post and ignore your aunt.

I agree with you on the “hard to have a shower” part though!

@YouSayPotatoesISayVodka I saw your double post and was actually wondering why that doesn’t happen more often here. I’m always half asleep and have nearly done the same :)

Of course it’s not your fault you had kids with a loser. Nor is it the fault of the other women on here who have been unfortunate in that respect. Ignore the anonymous toxic swamp monsters who use others’ misfortune to feel superior. Shamefully distasteful schadenfreude at its worst.

@WarriorPrincess Not many people chose to raise a child alone. You seem to have a very damaging and outdated view on single parents.

lets not be cruel to eacohter.everyones parents and apart from the asswholes we are all trying our best right.so as one,whether single stay at home,widowed why not focus on being good parents instead of getting vile to eacohter over who is it better or worse.
some people have some really awful experiences.some a amicable separation.there are still parents left with children so let spport ecohter with however we are left.

Being a parent who is single -not in a realtionship- is not the same as a single -lone, only one, solitary- parent.
I've heard people who have remarried and who also co-parent call themselves a single parent there should be greater clarity on the terms.

I’ve never thought that the level of contact the other parent has had any bearing on the term single parent. I thought it just meant someone who wasn’t with the father/mother of their child. I also have never heard that it would be an offensive term to a widow.

Every day is a school day I suppose.

Why were you posting tosh about having a shower on FB? And then arguing with your aunt. Just use FB for sharing photos, not inane status updates.

JessicaWessica are you SERIOUSLY blaming the mothers for the feckless fathers actions?! Misogynist twaddle! Are we supposed to possess some kind of perfectly operating crystal ball?! Your post is particularly offensive to victims of domestic abuse - proud of that?!

My deadbeat twat of an ex showed no signs, no red flags of his future deadbeat persuasions! His own family are completely bewildered and shocked at how he's become since we split. They don't recognise him. Prior to us splitting he was scathing of deadbeat exs and even fell out with a good friend upon discovering the friend was fiddling the cm figures.

He made a pretence at first of being a dad that gave 2 shits providing I bent over backwards and did all the running With contact, with reminding him of things he should have known, with child maintenance (didn't pay for nearly 1st 3 years, then paid inconsistently and irregularly for a few years then stopped altogether. Meanwhile lying through his teeth to his parents that he was paying a generous amount every month, a lie I was able to show them proof of).

The last time she was admitted to hospital as an emergency due to her disability I let him know, the text reply I got? "ok" that was it! No "how is she?" "What's happening?" Not even "thanks for letting me know"!

Op your relative is bang out of order, you are a single parent of course. The vast majority of the care of your children and all the real responsibility is on you.

"No one is a single parent if they have a living dad of their child." Guessing you're not divorced/separated with children then!

"Then there are people who are married to their child's other parent, but that parent is not actually there a lot of the time.....in the armed forces, oil rig worker, in prison etc. They're actually doing more 'single parenting' than someone whose ex lives round the corner and does 50%." My ex was army, I can assure you being married to someone in the forces even when they're away on deployment is NOTHING like being a single parent where the financial, legal, medical and mental burden of parenting is far greater. Have you actually been a parent in any of those situations?

Warriorprincess while I am sorry for your family's loss and agree it must be even harder as a widowed parent, please don't make out we chose to be single parents.

Aside from those who actively chose to be from conception/adoption the vast majority of single parents didn't choose to be. Just like you we've had to deal with the hand we've been dealt.

When I married my ex after 4 years together and had dd (who was very much planned and wanted) nearly 5 years later I did not choose for him just 2 years later to shag someone who was meant to be my friend, to abandon dd and I and screw us over. That was not my choice at all!

And I'm damn sure domestic violence victims didn't choose to be either!

milly sorry I didn't realise I couldn't make a joke on Facebook about having a shower. I'll check with you next time to make sure my Facebook use is correct. And after my aunt postes that stuff I deleted the post anyway.

I am a single parent. That's what I am. I'm a parent and I'm single. DS goes to his dad's 2 or 3 nights a month. So his dad is involved but it's not 50/50.

DS's dad isn't a single parent because he has a live in partner. If I had a live in partner I wouldn't call myself a single parent.

I'm not a lone parent. A lone parent to me is a parent who does it all on their own with no contact with the other parent.

Don't be so arsey, OP. It just seemed to be a daft thing to post. When DC were young my DH was out of the house 7-7 every week day. I still managed a daily shower during those hours do don't see why you can't.

See I find this a funny one.

DH is forces and has just been deployed for 8 months. We would have the occasional phone conversation but parenting for those 9 months had been solely done by me. We have no family nearby at all. It really makes me realise how extraordinarily different it must be for some lone parents. The thing is though, some lone parents will have lots of family support or people around them who will help but I literally have had no one for those 9 months. But I wasn't classed as a lone parent because I have a DH. I couldn't post on their threads because I don't fit into that box. But what box do I fit into?

People get so uptight about this terminology and people saying they're a single/lone/solo parent. Like you say, your ex does the bare minimum so yes, I think you should be allowed to call yourself a single parent.

That should say, extraordinarily difficult

PFB2 I think that too. I know a single parent who spent all day with her mum "round the corner" with the baby and had a close network of ex-school friends who had babies similar age etc.

I know thats not the norm but is a very different set up to you parenting on your own while partner is deployed.

There's varying degrees of single parents, in fact there's married parents where one is the only one who parents (eg works away). I know divorced parents where they coparent really effectively and certainly the resident parent isnt left holding the babies literally!

Aunts abroad should be ignored anyway, she has no idea of your situation, everyone's is unique

@Jessicawessica

Then I have to pick them up no later than 9am on a Sunday as he has to get to his golf.

Why are you doing all the dropping and picking?

Just thinking about the whole 'single by choice' thing.

I'm a single parent by choice, DC is donor conceived. So maybe people view that I shouldn't complain about finding it tough as I "chose" to be in this position.

Except I still don't really feel like it was much of a choice. By mid thirties I was facing the very real prospect that I wasn't going to be able to have children. Albeit for single status reasons rather than biological. However the fear of not being able to have children is very much as intense and real as for any biological reason. I think there is a terminology 'social infertility'.

I was fortunate I was able to have fertility treatment which was successful. However this path i took really didn't feel like much of a choice. It was that or no children at all.

My choice, like many of us, would have been to be with a loving, supportive partner who loved his children as equally as I do. For whatever reason this didn't work out for me, just like it didn't with separated and widowed parents.

I have some solo mum friends who have a wealth of practical support from families. Possibly more than some coupled friends.
Solo parenting isn't just about the practical side though. It's the parental, financial and emotional responsibility that also comes with it, which no amount of friends or extended family support can provide. The fear that your child literally only has you and the responsibility to stay alive for them, as there is no back up parent that can step up if anything was to happen to you.

God, I didn't realise there was a scale of single-parentedness. Competitive single parenting

Everyone's so judgmental. fwiw I am a single parent. I have an ex H. But I'm still a single parent. Fwiw I didn't choose this and it doesn't make me less of a single parent than a widow.

Fwiw every parent, single parent or not has challenges. Some of us find it easier or harder than others (e.g. because we have family support, more money, disabled children, etc) whether we're single or not. I can't believe women would start judging other women (well I can believe it). Why can't we just be supportive of everyone, no matter what their status. No one gives me a medal for being a single parent. There are no prizes.

we could do a spread sheet to work out who has it harder.

Do you have a partner living with you - y/n
do you have disabled children - y/n
do you have family support - y/n
do you have more than 2 children - y/n
do you work full time - y/n
do you have a disability y/n
are you a widow - y/n
does your ex give you money y.n

and work out who has it worse. But really it doesn't bloody matter!!! Don't we all just get on with our lives?

Maybe she hates those 'I can't pee in peace/can't grab a shower' memes but whatever her reasons, I don't know who she thinks she is commenting on things she knows nothing about. I'd have just deleted her stupid comment.
Surprising how many people will make fools of themselves telling people about their own lives.

God, I didn't realise there was a scale of single-parentedness. Competitive single parenting

Oh yes, there's is a bitter competition on this forum, it's ridiculous. Some posters wants some kind of medal, showing 0 sympathy for someone else who simply finds it hard, and lonely.

sagradafamiliar I deleted the whole post and she messaged me asking why I was being stroppy and deleted it.

milly I have time to shower daily, I just made a comment that I was tired I would have liked to have had a long shower but didn't have time.
Anna I agree. I never started this thread t say I had it harder than everyone else. Infact I have several friends who have it a lot harder. I was just pissed off with my aunts comment as she hasn't been here and seen how awful Stbxh has been recently and she was making out he was a wonderful person etc.

This is a conversation I have had with a friend. Up until very recently I shared 50-50 custody with my ex. I now have six nights a week. I jphave a live in boyfriend and my ex would be available in any emergency.

My friend has a doaghter and no contact with her ex. She is single. While technically speaking we are both single parents, she is very much alone in parenting while I fully accept I am not. She laughs when anyone calls me a single parent, and is not use the phrase at all.

Gawd, there are some nasty sorts on here.

Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone’s support network is different. Everyone’s relationship is different. People are different. Including kids.

OP I have one of those kids who made it impossible to have a shower. Or do many simple things for a very long time. Pre-baby me would have scoffed at the thought, but I get it now. Love him, but by god he’s been a difficult one.

So when it comes to all those uppity “well, I managed to have a shower so I can’t see why you can’t manage” types, or for anyone else, including your dear aunt, who lack the necessary emotional intelligence to comment on your life with any semblance of compassion or even basic rationality... IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE.

Er warriorprincessandwidowed...im sorry for your loss but many single mums don't choose for their partners to leave or be abusive and have to grieve for the nuclear family too.