Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that if I die tragically I don't want people...

84 replies

BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:14

to leave flowers and soft toys in public that will look terrible after 24 hours.

to leave flowers anywhere that is only connected to me by my death, but an otherwise meaningless place.

to start "a fund" with no purpose and with no consultation with my family and friends.

to post mawkish, self-indulgent sentimental comments about me on Facebook, or make out that they knew me personally, or that they love me and I'm forever in their hearts, or that I'm now flying high with the angels, or that they hope I'm haunting my murderer in prison, or post crappy gifs of pixelated candles.

to talk to the press.

No. IANBU.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 22/03/2019 12:15

Are you OK OP?

irregularegular · 22/03/2019 12:16

I agree!

Lougle · 22/03/2019 12:18

People do those things because it's all they can do. They can't reverse time and stop the person from dying. It's displacement activity.

I agree that I wouldn't want FB posts or press coverage, but people do it as a way of connecting.

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:18

comedycentral I definitely need to step away from the internet today.

OP posts:
Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:19

lougle I don't understand why people need to connect so publicly with someone's private and genuine grief.

OP posts:
M3lon · 22/03/2019 12:21

I wouldn't want that either...

but when people are dead it doesn't matter what they want. It matters what the living want.

If something happened to my loved one I genuinely wouldn't care one way or the other if random people were also expressing their feelings...i'd be too busy with my own to care.

SweatyUnderboob · 22/03/2019 12:21

I had to look up mawkish. Good word!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/03/2019 12:21

This is what graveyards are for

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:21

People do those things because it's all they can do.

And that's not true. There are so many sensitive, respectful and private ways of reacting.

OP posts:
MillyCoddler · 22/03/2019 12:27

People do those things because it's all they can do

Well, no ...
They could send a condolence card or letter
Make a donation to a charity as requested by the family of the deceased
Attend the funeral
Take/send flowers to funeral rather than make a cellotaph by the side of the road
Attend the wake and reminisce with people in real life
Quietly reflect

bigbluebus · 22/03/2019 12:28

I'm guessing you are referring to Libby (going by your user name). If so then I think the people of Hull feel that they somehow let her down - that Hull failed to protect her.
I know that the Uni are allowing people to place items and reflect near the library entrance and in the Students Union but don't know where else items may or may not have been placed.
I'm not a fan of this sort of tribute either really and I agree that things should only be done with the approval of the family.

When my DD died, someone placed a single flower on her grave shortly after the funeral. Two years later it is still puzzling us as to who placed it there - if only because we wanted to know who cared enough to do it. (It was family flowers only at the funeral).

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:36

And tenuous links. I don't want people using my death as an excuse to describe their most tenuous of links to my death.

OP posts:
Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:38

To be serious for a moment - I'm sorry to hear of your loss bigblue and of course last night's news about Libby Squire was the outcome nobody wanted.

OP posts:
MillyCoddler · 22/03/2019 12:40

If so then I think the people of Hull feel that they somehow let her down - that Hull failed to protect her

But that is ridiculous. How can it be the fault of a whole city if some young woman is either murdered or dies by accident? It's just self indulgent nonsense.

TroysMammy · 22/03/2019 12:41

I agree too and I don't want my photo on the local obituary site either.

lotusbell · 22/03/2019 12:42

The phrase 'Fly high with the angels' always really irritates me!

Princessmushroom · 22/03/2019 12:42

Doesn’t matter what you want, you’ll be a goner 😂 don’t you want your loved ones to find comfort?

KnobJockey · 22/03/2019 12:43

I'm also from the area, and I kind of agree- I drove past the bench that she was last seen this morning, which is filled with flowers, to see someone taking a photo on their phone of it all. Why?

Though of course everyone was wishing for a better outcome, at least we have some form of outcome for it- it could very easily have ended up that the family never knew where she went, if she had died. Here's hoping that the autopsy/ inquest gives them some new evidence to pinpoint who did it to her.

steff13 · 22/03/2019 12:43

How will you stop them? Haunting?

WeMarchOn · 22/03/2019 12:44

I found out my great Aunt died on Facebook 🤦🏻‍♀️

ApolloandDaphne · 22/03/2019 12:46

My DD died tragically. People left flowers, raised money and sent us messages/gifts. It was wonderful to know people were thinking of us and wanted to try and help us in some way. It was slightly overwhelming at times but it was meant well. I still have all the hundreds of cards we were sent.

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:48

Doesn’t matter what you want, you’ll be a goner don’t you want your loved ones to find comfort?

Yes - that's my point. I want people who actually knew me to find comfort, not for complete strangers to take advantage of their grief.

OP posts:
Bungalowbeth · 22/03/2019 12:49

@lotusbell it irritates me less than, “Fly high with the angles” .

Picklypickles · 22/03/2019 12:49

You wont care, you wont know anything about it. If it brings some kind of comfort/closure to grieving loved ones leave them to it.

x2boys · 22/03/2019 12:50

I agree to.a point my dh,sister died suddenly four years ago due to some initial uncertainty and an awful.lot of exaggerations there's was a police investigation ,the amount of crap and rumours flying around on Facebook was ridiculous and neighbours who vaguely knew talking to the local.paper etc but you can see why people want to leave flowers etc.Her death was caused by an infection but it died stop.rumours .