AIBU that if I die tragically I don't want people...

[BridlingtonSand]

to leave flowers and soft toys in public that will look terrible after 24 hours.

to leave flowers anywhere that is only connected to me by my death, but an otherwise meaningless place.

to start "a fund" with no purpose and with no consultation with my family and friends.

to post mawkish, self-indulgent sentimental comments about me on Facebook, or make out that they knew me personally, or that they love me and I'm forever in their hearts, or that I'm now flying high with the angels, or that they hope I'm haunting my murderer in prison, or post crappy gifs of pixelated candles.

to talk to the press.

No. IANBU.

[Acis]

You wont care, you wont know anything about it. If it brings some kind of comfort/closure to grieving loved ones leave them to it.

But does it in fact? If someone I love died tragically, I can't see myself being in any way comforted by a load of strangers leaving soft toys and candles where they died or near our house.

[priya33]

Grief vultures are horrible. Ynbu

[NerrSnerr]

For the Facebook thing, in your settings there is an option for you to choose if your account is deactivated if it's reported to them that you've died instead of one of those 'remembering' pages. I have gone for that option.

[Birdie6]

You can't stop them - you'll be long gone.

[PollyPelargonium52]

Or the undertakers lol.

[BackforGood]

Totally agree OP.
For those saying 'you won't know' I think the same applies if something happened to someone in my family, then I would know.

Only people that benefit , are the florists.

[FullOfJellyBeans]

I don't really care how my genuine loved ones find comfort (they can be as tacky as they like) but I wouldn't want them upset by random acquaintances using my death as an opportunity to draw attention to themselves.

[Alsohuman]

Libby Squires' family is quoted as saying they're touched by the tributes to her and appreciate the kindness of people in Hull. I guess we're all different.

[AspergersMum]

I think that crowdfunding should be verified by the person it is aimed at before any money can be collected, and that the money should go directly to the person it was aimed at. It is so open to scamming and can really mess up vulnerable people's lives. 100% agree with you on that point.

But I see no real harm in flowers being left as people want to show that they care. A local 16 year old was killed in an accident and seeing her little flower shrine every year in February is a reminder of how fragile life is. It has been over 10 years now and actually seeing the renewed flowers is lovely. She hasn't been forgotten.

[Patroclus]

Walked past there a few times today on the way to the shops and chemist. Seems to be the same people standing there for hours trying to talk to the TV people who were the same 6 weeks ago. A sincere memorial would be a good idea, a message against violence towards women.

[cookiemonster3]

In the words of my dad "if I die in a hospital bed would you visit every year and lay flowers at the foot of whoever happens to be in it now? No. So don't leave flowers if I die anywhere else."

[icannotremember]

I don't really care, I'll be dead and won't know anything about it. I want those left behind to do whatever they need to do to get through it.

[Bartlebysleftshoe]

Feel so torn on this - I always think that anything that brings comfort to a grieving family and friends should be what's important. The deceased have gone, they will not know.

However, I drive 12 miles to my office and go past 5 displays/shines. One has been there all my life, which I understand a Mum of a child killed in an accident tends, which I genuinely have no problem with, there is a cross and a planter. The others are on various bridges & lampposts and are now rotted flowers in cellophane & sodden cuddly toys - a very sad and uncared for reminder.

Maybe they could be left for a while and then cleared away, if a family wish to maintain them then maybe they could do so and ask for a dispensation.

When we were bereaved very suddenly & under odd circumstances comfort came from hand written notes and people who personally contacted to offer condolences. It made me re-evaluate some friendships, support and kindness doesn't always come from the most obvious source. The most upsetting was speculation on the local papers FB page that allowed comments while an investigation was still ongoing.

[Day27]

A teenage boy was killed in a road accident in our town last month. I didn’t know him but he was from my DS school and a similar age to DS (although DS didn’t know him either) I cried when I heard. My DS and I cried together when he came home from school. I cried a few times that week whenever I thought about him and again on the day of his funeral (I’m actually crying a bit now)

Many many people left flowers, football shirts and other things at the roadside. There was a vigil at his church for him soon after too.

I didn’t leave flowers or attend the vigil or funeral but many, many people did whether they knew him or not.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to act or feel.

I do believe that what people do after someone dies tragically is very much about them and their own emotions following the event. And I think that’s okay.

[Jaxhog]

YANBU. It's even worse when people do it and you aren't dead. That happened to me many years ago after I was mugged at knife point. I'm still creeped out at the thought.

[PollyPelargonium52]

It is worrying that you are dwelling on this. WHy are you even thinking about death unless you feel it is imminent or something that you happen to dread?

Luckily I have no fear of death but I naturally don't wish to go just yet. I believe in reincarnation and my Buddhist faith gives me great comfort.

[Bowerbird5]

Agree about Facebook.
Someone I didn’t know stopped to take a photo of me in my written off car, no offer of help. The paramedic asked if I knew them and then shouted at them not to post it on Facebook. She told me that someone had posted a photo of a young girl’s car including number plate and that she had died in the accident. The parents found out on Facebook before the police could inform them. How crass and how devastating it must have been to have found out like that instead of someone breaking it to you in person compassionately. She said there had been three cases locally.
That person that photographed me wasn’t close enough to know whether I was alive or dead. I will also add that traffic drove past until someone local stopped and phoned 999. I had skidded on ice and hit something tearing the wheel off so it was a bad smash.

I know a fund page that was helpful to a family but the family should be asked first. This was started before he died.

[itwaseverthus]

I completely agree with you craxXed Money is of more use to the immediate family for burial and so on. When I die, my dh has been instructed to do the quick and cheap next day crematorium with no mourners but put several thousand behind the bar of my favourite restaurant/bar. I want to give everyone I love (not folk who are not in my phone book essentially) a last good night on me. I don't want flowers and headstones and hearses and all that frippery of death.

The death of Diana really did start the trend for mass mourning. It's mawkish, tacky and overdone.

[HolyForkingShirt]

@sizeofalentil LOL sorry I know I shouldn't laugh but that was really funny

[Looobyloo]

My cousin entire facebook is filled with statuses thinking about the family of someone who's died, she needs new friends! Last week it was Uncle Jim who she missed ever so much and hoped he was 'flying high with the angels' he isn't her uncle and as far as I know she never saw him anyway. What do people get out of this shit is it 'look at me I'm so lovely and caring'

Everyone wants to be seen to know the dead person and turn it into been about them. Sad really.

[ohtheholidays]

No I'm with you OP especially about the cuddly toys and flowers.

I don't mind or judge if someone wants to do that for anyone else,I'd just rather they didn't do it for me.

The same with the social media spew as well.

I'd hope anyone that knows me well enough,that I love or like and loves or likes me back know's me well enough to know that it's not something they need to do for me,I'd honestly rather they bought themselves a lovely bunch of flowers or a plant for they're garden(I love flowers in the house and I love gardening)and said that that was they're way of remembering me.

[Sizeofalentil]

I'll be gutted if I die and don't get at least one FB status update from someone I haven't seen in the last 8 years saying that they hope that I'm 'wiv the angles now'

[derxa]

My mum was murdered. Believe me if that happened to you, your family would not give a shit what other people were doing.
Exactly
When my db died unexpectedly, my dm used to go to a nearby wood and scream. I'm sure she couldn't have given a shit about what anyone else thought or did.

[Funkaccino]

Yabu to think your feelings matter when you're dead but not those of your hurting family and friends.

Would you really want them to queitly hide their grief in a 'naice' way so they dont feel they are dishonouring you?

[CostanzaG]

My mum was murdered. Believe me if that happened to you, your family would not give a shit what other people were doing.

I received lots of letters from people who had quite tenuous links to my mum. They were lovely to read and it was nice to hear that lots of people remembered her.