AIBU that if I die tragically I don't want people...

[BridlingtonSand]

to leave flowers and soft toys in public that will look terrible after 24 hours.

to leave flowers anywhere that is only connected to me by my death, but an otherwise meaningless place.

to start "a fund" with no purpose and with no consultation with my family and friends.

to post mawkish, self-indulgent sentimental comments about me on Facebook, or make out that they knew me personally, or that they love me and I'm forever in their hearts, or that I'm now flying high with the angels, or that they hope I'm haunting my murderer in prison, or post crappy gifs of pixelated candles.

to talk to the press.

No. IANBU.

[BridlingtonSand]

How will you stop them? Haunting?

My family are under strict instructions to share how I feel/felt.

(Again to be completely serious, I'm sorry that you were actually touched by such a sad loss Apollo. I lost a cousin in a very high profile murder case and I think things are being brought to the surface for me a bit).

[NunoGoncalves]

I don't really care what people do when I die. I guess I'd want them to do whatever makes them feel best. If that means facebook posts and teddy-bear shrines, that's fine by me.

[JemSynergy]

Personally I wouldn't care because I wouldn't know anything about it.

[BridlingtonSand]

It’s interesting and helpful to hear that some people genuinely wouldn’t mind about complete strangers taking advantage of their death and their family’s loss. I realise you would frame it differently of course.

[lotusbell]

@Bungalowbeth

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I don’t understand why you’re giving it so much headspace, you won’t know anything once you’re gone.

If you’ve stipulated to your loved ones that you don’t want any of that I’d park it up and leave it be.

[bigbluebus]

If so then I think the people of Hull feel that they somehow let her down - that Hull failed to protect her

But that is ridiculous. How can it be the fault of a whole city if some young woman is either murdered or dies by accident? It's just self indulgent nonsense.

MillyCoddler as far as I am aware we still don't actually know what happened to her so whilst I agree that a whole city didn't let her down, there will be plenty who feel that if something different had been done then the outcome may not have been a tragedy, whilst other locals as just saddened that this has happened in their city.

NB I don't live in the area but my DC is at Hull Uni so I have been following the story and the related FB pages quite closely.

[Jaggypinecone]

If folk want to lay flowers please just remove the plastic wrapping first. Why the hell do flowers need to be wrapped in plastic anyway - that's what bothers me.

[3timeslucky]

I want people who actually knew me to find comfort, not for complete strangers to take advantage of their grief.

I don't quite get how strangers take advantage of others' grief? I assume that they do feel a sense of grief - nothing approximating what the family feels (or friends) but still genuine emotion.

I think strangers are capable of compassion and of empathy and while they may not know the family so they can't turn up with a dinner (a thing people would do here), they want to express their sympathy. Here after any death there'd be the sense of a community wanting to show support and flowers are a traditional way of doing that.

Talking to the press and posting on FB ... I'm with you on those. And random fund-raising without consultation with the family.

[americandream]

Yeah why DO people put 'flying high with the angles?'

YANBU OP. There is just something a bit cringe about it all.

[Rainbowsandsnowdrops]

This is different to the situation you are taking about but a close friend of mine died recently. We were all heartbroken. She used social media a lot and it was nice to see people posting on Facebook about their best memories with her- I know her family liked to read it. I think social media has its place now when it comes to bereavement.

The people close to her had time with her towards the end of her life and also at the funeral.

I’m actually glad for Facebook memories and all the photos she had on there as it’s a way of keeping her memory alive.

[Trumponerous]

I feel like the OP about my own death and even more about the deaths of the people I love. Why is it assumed that stuff comforts the bereaved? ime it is as likely to be hateful as it is helpful.

[Barbarafromblackpool]

Same type of person who becomes part of ‘Charlie’s army’.

[JaneEyre07]

I wholeheartedly agree OP.

That's why we have cemeteries and memorial gardens. I can't abide people who dump flowers in cellophane and teddies etc then leave them for someone else to have to clear away. It's just so tacky and I'd take massive offence if someone thought that's how I'd want my passing mourned.........

[S1naidSucks]

When my DD died, someone placed a single flower on her grave shortly after the funeral. Two years later it is still puzzling us as to who placed it there - if only because we wanted to know who cared enough to do it. (It was family flowers only at the funeral).

I’m so sorry for your tragic loss, bigbluebus. It could be someone that doesn’t actually know you, but has suffered a similar loss and have noticed your daughters grave while tending to their loved one’s grave. I had similar happen and it turned out to be another lady that lost her husband around the same time as I lost mine.

[Witchend]

If I die tragically, I want people to ask dh, dc 's what they would find most helpful and be there for them. Not just in the immediate aftermath, but in the years to come.

What I don't want is people who hardly ever spoke to me putting a random photo up on fb on the anniversary of my death and saying how dreadful it is/how much they've missed me.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

There was a terrible accident near me many years ago in which two small children died. Understandably, there were some flowers and teddies left near the site but it kept growing and nothing was ever cleared away. Eventually the wire fence it was all attached to became a mausoleum of blackened flowers and soft toys, it was macabre and imo no kind of tribute to young children. The mother refused any attempts to remove it for years.

[Rainbowsandsnowdrops]

What I don't want is people who hardly ever spoke to me putting a random photo up on fb on the anniversary of my death and saying how dreadful it is/how much they've missed me.

I agree, this happened when my friend died. There were also some people she barely even knew 10 years ago that came to her funeral and wake- stayed for hours drinking and eating! Shocking behaviour.

[NunoGoncalves]

I think the vast majority of people in these situations are acting out of sincerity and empathy, even if they are not experiencing direct personal grief. What I find sadder is the sneering and judging by others who seem so desperate to find the negative in any situation.

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

Bridlington I'm very much with you on this.

It makes me think of the 'mass outpouring of grief' when Princess Diana died, which felt almost like people were thrilled to be part of something momentous, piggybacking on the genuine grief of a rather small number of people who were actually close to her.

I would not want random maudlin caterwauling strangers making shrines with flowers, candles and teddies. I think it would just make my family feel worse too.

[couchparsnip]

I totally understand this. I posted something similar when my friend died last year. There were all sorts of people posting things on facebook about her that just weren't true. 'She never said a bad word about anyone' for example. She fucking did! She just never said them to you because you weren't that close.
'She's with Jesus now' when she had been an atheist most of her adult life ffs.

[TallAsTara]

Isn't there a name for this? Grief grabbers, or some such?

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

I find it disturbing that people need to grieve so publicly for someone they may not ever have met. I totally get how some deaths (especially when violent and/or children and young people) can really affect us. I remember the deaths Holly and Jessica affected me massively but it was a private thing.

I don't get the public dramatics as if by shouting it from the rooftops people think it makes them a better person.

I find it pretty attention seeking.

[sobeyondthehills]

I think alot of the problem is that we don't talk about death in this country.

PP are saying ask my family, but I feel that we as a country are to uncomfortable to do this.

Personally I think we need to talk about death and celebrate the life

[BrieAndChilli]

i just feel terrible at the amount of money spent on flowers and candles and soft toys. I would rather that people donated that money to a charity, that way the money will be put to good use rather than £1000s of pounds rotting away on the side of the road.