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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that if I die tragically I don't want people...

84 replies

BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 12:14

to leave flowers and soft toys in public that will look terrible after 24 hours.

to leave flowers anywhere that is only connected to me by my death, but an otherwise meaningless place.

to start "a fund" with no purpose and with no consultation with my family and friends.

to post mawkish, self-indulgent sentimental comments about me on Facebook, or make out that they knew me personally, or that they love me and I'm forever in their hearts, or that I'm now flying high with the angels, or that they hope I'm haunting my murderer in prison, or post crappy gifs of pixelated candles.

to talk to the press.

No. IANBU.

OP posts:
americandream · 22/03/2019 13:23

I must admit, when I die, apart from not wanting awful 'shrines,' I also do not want people coming to my funeral 'grieving' for me, who haven't been arsed with me this century! Like, if we have not been in touch for 20 years, just fuck off.

Just do not get why people attend funerals of people that

a) they have had NO contact with for over 2 decades.

and

b) they don't know, and have never met.

You usually cannot stop people going to funerals, but I am still entitled to say that I don't want people there who I don't know, who has nothing to do with me or my family, AND who I used to know, but hasn't said a word to me or seen me in 15-20 years.

In fact make that TEN years. Haven't spoken to me in over a decade? Don't pretend you care that I'm dead. Stay away. I don't want you there.

And YES to the outpouring of grief on facebook, from people who barely knew they deceased person - if at all. It's repugnant.

SabineUndine · 22/03/2019 13:25

Outwiththeoutcrowd I agree with you and I actually think this was when this kind of public outpouring started. I remember one of my friends being upset because I wasn't grieving about Diana, 'don't you even care a LITTLE bit?' but to me there's a difference between being sorry or horrified someone you never met has died and actually grieving about someone who was a friend or a relative, and that distinction seems to have been blurred.

NunoGoncalves · 22/03/2019 13:27

I think alot of the problem is that we don't talk about death in this country

Agreed. And part of living as a collective society/community is that you do feel things for other people even if you didn't know them. Someone died in a tragic accident at my university years ago and it was a very strange feeling. I actually did know him (we were in a society together) but we weren't exactly close friends. Many other people knew of him but never spoke to him, or were friends with his friends, or studied some modules with him, etc.,

So lots of people are left with this feeling of shock that this awful thing has happened to somebody they're only vaguely connected to, and they don't really know how to deal with that. I think that's often where these kind of "shrines" or facebook eulogies come in. People are looking for an outlet.

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 22/03/2019 13:39

What I find sadder is the sneering and judging by others who seem so desperate to find the negative in any situation

Some people want to make everything a competition! There’s room for everyone to be wrong and terrible, you know!

OP posts:
OutwiththeOutCrowd · 22/03/2019 13:49

One of the main concerns for me would be the detrimental effect on my family and friends of people I scarcely knew, if at all, cranking up the emotions.

Returning to the death of Diana, I have a very clear memory of her sons looking at a sea of flowers as a crowd looked on, calling out their names and sobbing.

I think those two boys would have just about been holding it together but the over the top displays of mourning from random rubberneckers would have made the whole experience so much more difficult for them.

derxa · 22/03/2019 13:51

What I find sadder is the sneering and judging by others who seem so desperate to find the negative in any situation I agree.

Haffdonga · 22/03/2019 13:51

I can't bear the roadside shrines where someone has tragically died in a crash, with dead flowers and messages tied to a lamp post with cable ties. Sad

I'd prefer to be remembered in a beautiful place that was special to me or would bring memories of me (park, beach, garden, woods or whatever) - not just a desolate patch of dual carriageway where I happened to die.

Whatever you believe about life (or not) after death, I don't think anyone believes that a person's life should be remembered at the specific place the death occurred.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/03/2019 14:02

I am not planning on going anywhere anytime soon, but when the time comes I do not want flowers and teddies and god knows what, I wont care, I wont be around to see it all - give the money to charity please!

CraXXed · 22/03/2019 14:02

Grief Vampires

Also agree about the random funds or "is there a charity we can contribute to in deceased name?" which pour in after a death. I think it is without doubt the one time money can be a real issue. This used to be acknowledged but now seems out of fashion.

Funerals are very expensive, wakes even more so and the bereaved are to foot the cost on top of everything else. Rarely do you see a church collection going to a family these days, people will give to a charity but that doesn't help family cover costs. Bereavement tends to mean loss of income as well as outlays. It may sound cold but is just not discussed and treated as taboo. Life insurance is not a given and even when in place can take a long long time to sort out. Insurance companies don't want to pay anything and so can be real bastards about paying out.

I made a decision to make a contribution to immediate NOK by cheque so they can choose to use it for whatever they need, be it a contribution to funeral costs, buying a crate of vodka, paying the leccie bill or donating it to a charity in their loved one's name. I can do this knowing no thanks is needed or expected, I don't need to know what it is spent on, no publicity required. I do this hoping it can help towards one less thing to worry about. Obviously I do this in cases where I knew the deceased not in the case of random strangers from the paper!

Too much of what goes on via social media is about attention seeking instead of organising real life quiet ongoing community support. Food at the doorstep, help with schoolruns, that sort of thing. Grief is for nearest and dearest, those directly affected.

Shrines are for homes and cemeteries.

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 14:02

My mum was murdered. Believe me if that happened to you, your family would not give a shit what other people were doing.

I received lots of letters from people who had quite tenuous links to my mum. They were lovely to read and it was nice to hear that lots of people remembered her.

Funkaccino · 22/03/2019 14:04

Yabu to think your feelings matter when you're dead but not those of your hurting family and friends.

Would you really want them to queitly hide their grief in a 'naice' way so they dont feel they are dishonouring you?

Sizeofalentil · 22/03/2019 14:11

I'll be gutted if I die and don't get at least one FB status update from someone I haven't seen in the last 8 years saying that they hope that I'm 'wiv the angles now'

derxa · 22/03/2019 14:11

My mum was murdered. Believe me if that happened to you, your family would not give a shit what other people were doing.
Flowers Exactly
When my db died unexpectedly, my dm used to go to a nearby wood and scream. I'm sure she couldn't have given a shit about what anyone else thought or did.

ohtheholidays · 22/03/2019 14:11

No I'm with you OP especially about the cuddly toys and flowers.

I don't mind or judge if someone wants to do that for anyone else,I'd just rather they didn't do it for me.

The same with the social media spew as well.

I'd hope anyone that knows me well enough,that I love or like and loves or likes me back know's me well enough to know that it's not something they need to do for me,I'd honestly rather they bought themselves a lovely bunch of flowers or a plant for they're garden(I love flowers in the house and I love gardening)and said that that was they're way of remembering me.

Looobyloo · 22/03/2019 14:17

My cousin entire facebook is filled with statuses thinking about the family of someone who's died, she needs new friends! Last week it was Uncle Jim who she missed ever so much and hoped he was 'flying high with the angels' he isn't her uncle and as far as I know she never saw him anyway. What do people get out of this shit is it 'look at me I'm so lovely and caring'

Everyone wants to be seen to know the dead person and turn it into been about them. Sad really.

HolyForkingShirt · 22/03/2019 14:18

@sizeofalentil LOL sorry I know I shouldn't laugh but that was really funny

itwaseverthus · 22/03/2019 14:21

I completely agree with you craxXed Money is of more use to the immediate family for burial and so on. When I die, my dh has been instructed to do the quick and cheap next day crematorium with no mourners but put several thousand behind the bar of my favourite restaurant/bar. I want to give everyone I love (not folk who are not in my phone book essentially) a last good night on me. I don't want flowers and headstones and hearses and all that frippery of death.

The death of Diana really did start the trend for mass mourning. It's mawkish, tacky and overdone.

Bowerbird5 · 22/03/2019 14:24

Agree about Facebook.
Someone I didn’t know stopped to take a photo of me in my written off car, no offer of help. The paramedic asked if I knew them and then shouted at them not to post it on Facebook. She told me that someone had posted a photo of a young girl’s car including number plate and that she had died in the accident. The parents found out on Facebook before the police could inform them. How crass and how devastating it must have been to have found out like that instead of someone breaking it to you in person compassionately. She said there had been three cases locally.
That person that photographed me wasn’t close enough to know whether I was alive or dead. I will also add that traffic drove past until someone local stopped and phoned 999. I had skidded on ice and hit something tearing the wheel off so it was a bad smash.

I know a fund page that was helpful to a family but the family should be asked first. This was started before he died.

PollyPelargonium52 · 22/03/2019 14:26

It is worrying that you are dwelling on this. WHy are you even thinking about death unless you feel it is imminent or something that you happen to dread?

Luckily I have no fear of death but I naturally don't wish to go just yet. I believe in reincarnation and my Buddhist faith gives me great comfort.

Jaxhog · 22/03/2019 14:31

YANBU. It's even worse when people do it and you aren't dead. That happened to me many years ago after I was mugged at knife point. I'm still creeped out at the thought.

Day27 · 22/03/2019 14:35

A teenage boy was killed in a road accident in our town last month. I didn’t know him but he was from my DS school and a similar age to DS (although DS didn’t know him either) I cried when I heard. My DS and I cried together when he came home from school. I cried a few times that week whenever I thought about him and again on the day of his funeral (I’m actually crying a bit now)

Many many people left flowers, football shirts and other things at the roadside. There was a vigil at his church for him soon after too.

I didn’t leave flowers or attend the vigil or funeral but many, many people did whether they knew him or not.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to act or feel.

I do believe that what people do after someone dies tragically is very much about them and their own emotions following the event. And I think that’s okay.

Bartlebysleftshoe · 22/03/2019 14:35

Feel so torn on this - I always think that anything that brings comfort to a grieving family and friends should be what's important. The deceased have gone, they will not know.

However, I drive 12 miles to my office and go past 5 displays/shines. One has been there all my life, which I understand a Mum of a child killed in an accident tends, which I genuinely have no problem with, there is a cross and a planter. The others are on various bridges & lampposts and are now rotted flowers in cellophane & sodden cuddly toys - a very sad and uncared for reminder.

Maybe they could be left for a while and then cleared away, if a family wish to maintain them then maybe they could do so and ask for a dispensation.

When we were bereaved very suddenly & under odd circumstances comfort came from hand written notes and people who personally contacted to offer condolences. It made me re-evaluate some friendships, support and kindness doesn't always come from the most obvious source. The most upsetting was speculation on the local papers FB page that allowed comments while an investigation was still ongoing.

icannotremember · 22/03/2019 14:38

I don't really care, I'll be dead and won't know anything about it. I want those left behind to do whatever they need to do to get through it.

cookiemonster3 · 22/03/2019 14:59

In the words of my dad "if I die in a hospital bed would you visit every year and lay flowers at the foot of whoever happens to be in it now? No. So don't leave flowers if I die anywhere else."

Patroclus · 22/03/2019 16:33

Walked past there a few times today on the way to the shops and chemist. Seems to be the same people standing there for hours trying to talk to the TV people who were the same 6 weeks ago. A sincere memorial would be a good idea, a message against violence towards women.