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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I’m ripping him off

284 replies

EmmaG78x · 21/03/2019 20:54

Hi, big disagreement with DH about the proportion in ownership of our house.

When we met I’d just bought a house but We moved in together and joined finances shortly afterwards. Everything was split equally including the mortgage but this was much cheaper than if he was renting. 8 years later we used the profit from the house as a 20% deposit for a house. Noting else was used as a deposit so we split ownership 75:25 in my favour.

Now, 5 years later and we are about to change mortgage providers. DH has mentioned we should now move to 70:30in my favour and continue until it’s 50:50 in another 20 years.

I want it to remain 75:25 forever as the deposit was from selling my house and he earns a lot more than me so me and the kids will need more if he leaves me.

He argues we’ve had joint finances the whole time and he earns a lot more than me. (about 50% more until I went part time once DS1 was born so now about double)

AIBU to keep things the way they are?

OP posts:
snowball28 · 21/03/2019 22:23

Can you not have a deed of trust drawn up with a solicitor detailing that if you were to split you’re original deposit of X amount would be returned to you upon sale of the house and the remaining equity to be split 50/50.

That’s more than fair and reasonable and ensures he isn’t getting short changed which honestly at the minute he is, you benefit from his higher salary just as much as he does and he’s paid in for all these years, I can see why he’s miffed to be honest.

xyzandabc · 21/03/2019 22:32

After this amount of time, I'd go 50/50. He's been paying his half of the mortgage and assuming more than 50% of household costs if he's the higher earner.

Our 1st house, we earned similar, I put down a 15% deposit, my parents gifted us a further 25%. DH had nothing to put in. Even then I still saw it as 50/50 as it was 'our' house.

13 years, 3 kids and 2 houses later and our equity alone is more than double what that 1st house cost. He earns 8 times what I do, but it's all a joint pot, including the house. I can't imagine it being anything other than 50/50.

Jackyjill6 · 21/03/2019 22:38

EmmaG78x
Are the DC his? If not, I can follow your thinking somewhat as you are protesting their future assets.

If your DH earns significantly more than you I would be looking at how he can increase your pension provision. That way I think you would feel less insecure about your 'share' of the home.

mummmy2017 · 21/03/2019 22:41

Bet you would not be happy if you got the equity in the house and didn't share anything else if you ever divorced

MumUnderTheMoon · 21/03/2019 22:43

What about, Value of current property - (your original input + interest) and then decide what's left 50/50.

Nearlythere1 · 21/03/2019 22:48

OP i'll go against the grain here. If he's nearly left you in the past, and right now it seems like you're not convinced he won't in the future, then don't give in - protect yourself and your kids for the reasons you stated. If he's got a much bigger salary he'll survive just fine leaving with his 25% stake. Look out for you and your kids.

Myheartbelongsto · 21/03/2019 22:58

It's not about just surviving though is it!!

StoppinBy · 21/03/2019 23:02

The only right way to do it without it being a perfect 50/50 split is to remove whatever you paid into the house originally then divide the rest of the equity 50/50 but if you now benefit from his far higher income, as you clearly do when all money is combined in a joint account, then you are being pretty shitty to not consider everything as joint assets.

Your DH is being far too flexible on this and you are taking him for a ride.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 21/03/2019 23:09

This thread has blown my mind. We are in exactly the same position as you, only difference might be that maybe you put down a deposit for the property you bought just before you met him? Mine was back in the good ol’ days of 100% mortgages, but then, I slaved away for 3 years working 3 jobs to pay the mortgage whilst completing my postgrad before now DH moved in, so maybe it evens out.

If you’re married I can’t believe you’ve done that % split thing. Isn’t marriage a partnership? If he’s a good husband who supports and contributes, I’m not sure why you would do this? Maybe you don’t really trust him?

Purpletigers · 21/03/2019 23:13

You’re being unreasonable . I’m assuming the fact he earns more allows you to work parttime .
If you’re married it will be split 50:50 should you split . Perhaps you should go back to work fulltime .

Yabbers · 21/03/2019 23:14

We bought out first home together when we were married. I added 10k from my house sale, he put in 50k from his. There was never any suggestion he would own more of the property and I’d have a real issue if he suggested it. You’re either partners or you’re not.

This evening we were sorting money and I asked him if I should put our joint savings in my own ISA to maximise the tax free amount. He thought it was a great idea and isn’t at all worried that it’s in my name not ours. Because we’re partners.

Kaleela · 21/03/2019 23:17

To me it sounds like it should be 50/50 however you get whatever the original deposit was on the first house from his 50%. A) you're married. Everything is 50/50 and B) you stated you have split everything equally. I get you want security but you are definitely ripping him off.

Kaleela · 21/03/2019 23:17

Split everything financially* that should say

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 21/03/2019 23:20

agreee with floogle its a partnership so swings and roundabouts do an agreement that if anything went wrong you split it 50% each with you t being reimbursed for the deposit after all am sure he contributes to repairs and upkeep improvements so perhaps just wants to feel secure too X

Gruzinkerbell1 · 21/03/2019 23:23

So you merrily spend “his” money from your joint account, and he pays half the mortgage, but you’re of the opinion that you should “own” more of the house?! You’re not just ripping him off, you’re fleecing him dry. No wonder the guy is pissed off.

TriciaH87 · 21/03/2019 23:27

If the deposit was 20% and your paying half the mortgage each then the 80% split in 2 is 40% so it should have been 60:40 to reflect the deposit. Alternately if he gives you half what the deposit was it should be 50:50 so in effect you currently own 15 percent of his share as the deposit was 20% of total value so he should own 40% as thats what his half of the mortgage covers.

LEELULUMPKIN · 21/03/2019 23:27

YABU I was in your DH's situation. I put down 30% to my DH's 70%. We are a team and as such we now have 50/50 ownership.

Katterinaballerina · 21/03/2019 23:32

You need to see a solicitor. Protect yourself. There are always people, currently in relationships, who find the idea of keeping a lump sum in a separate account, just in case, disloyal. You’ll find people who think it’s silly to worry about what will happen if you split from your partner while you’re a SAHM because you have to trust your partner don’t you? You’ll find very few women who’ve been through a divorce or the break up of a long term relationship say I wish I hadn’t gotten that legal advice or I spent too much time worrying about my future earning potential.

Tunnockswafer · 21/03/2019 23:43

I think the OP probably realises that everyone thinks she’s wrong by now. Hmm I’m interested in the insecurity about him staying. Without knowing why he almost left it’s hard to know if that might indeed happen again - eg if it was an affair, chances are it will.

LittleMissFunTimes · 21/03/2019 23:51

I missed the OPs post about her DH nearly leaving!!

It’s easy for those people who haven’t had a split to talk about equality and partnerships etc. That’s fine until you’re left with significantly reduced earning potential after years of childcare plus majority custody of the children while he’s free to fill his boots with his high earnings and huge pension.

OP take what you can and do what you have to do for you and your DCs. If he wants 30%, smile sweetly and let him have it and be glad he’s slightly dumb not telling you it’s 50%

UnspiritualHome · 22/03/2019 00:04

I think legally your DH owns half because you’re married
It's 50/50 cause you're married

No, it isn't. I wish people on MN would stop spreading these myths. The starting point is that proportions are governed by what is on the deeds.

wildcherries · 22/03/2019 00:09

Massively cheeky and unreasonable. I can just imagine the comments on here, had it been the other way around.

Protect your deposit, otherwise 50/50.

He is not even asking for that, but it would be the fair thing for you to do.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/03/2019 00:10

OP - "He almost left us once before."

MNetters - "Isn't marriage a partnership??"

I think his offer of 70/30 is a fair one, however if you think he may run off and leave you taking care of the dc's no reasonable person could blame you for thinking about your dc's first.

And no, property is no longer 50/50 just because people are married, the law changed.

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/03/2019 00:12

Agree unspiritual

People spout the rubbish that marriage makes it automatically 50/50 legally in the event of a split and that is simply not the case. It depends on a wide range of factors....whether you buy as tenants in common, what the deeds say, who is resident parent, who has sacrificed their career etc.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/03/2019 00:20

I think you should get back your 20% deposit and then 50/50