DH thinks I’m ripping him off

[EmmaG78x]

Hi, big disagreement with DH about the proportion in ownership of our house.

When we met I’d just bought a house but We moved in together and joined finances shortly afterwards. Everything was split equally including the mortgage but this was much cheaper than if he was renting. 8 years later we used the profit from the house as a 20% deposit for a house. Noting else was used as a deposit so we split ownership 75:25 in my favour.

Now, 5 years later and we are about to change mortgage providers. DH has mentioned we should now move to 70:30in my favour and continue until it’s 50:50 in another 20 years.

I want it to remain 75:25 forever as the deposit was from selling my house and he earns a lot more than me so me and the kids will need more if he leaves me.

He argues we’ve had joint finances the whole time and he earns a lot more than me. (about 50% more until I went part time once DS1 was born so now about double)

AIBU to keep things the way they are?

I despair. I often wonder why some people even bother to get married.

Get your initial 20% of the value protected, then split the rest half and half, so 40% each. 60/40 in your favour over all.

Your behaviour is a big red flag

I find it bizarre that married people maintain a concept of 'my money/assets' and 'your money/assets'. It's one of the more eye opening things about mumsnet for me.

I think YABU if your money and assets are otherwise shared.

Maybe get legal advice about your rights to the assets pool & his income in the event that you split up so you have peace of mind & decide from there if you still need to preserve that equity for yourself.

I often wonder why some people even bother to get married

That's how I feel after my exH, tbh.

The OP does not say that she put down a 20% deposit for House 1. I read it as : -
House 1 - Bought by you but mortgage & bills paid by both of you equally for 8 yrs. As it was in your sole name, you treated the equity as ALl yours and this was reflected when you bought House 2 on a 75:25 basis. Another 5 yrs later, during which you don’t say whether you still divide the bills equally even though your DH is now massively out earning you, you don’t want to contemplate him having 70:30 on remortgaging your home. What percentage of the bills/mortgage have you been paying for the last 5 yrs?

So, at some point you got married and had DC over the last 13+ yrs. Or is this a blended family? What was your actual original deposit sum for House 1?

Your married, therefore it’s a marital asset and would be split 50:50 by a court.

That’s unless you have both signed a pre-nup before marriage.

Yep you do sound very unreasonable

Poor bloke ! Bordering on financial abuse op. Make it 50/50 right away.

I'm with your DH on this. I think you need to share.

Going way back yonder it was my £5k redundancy money that paid for my and my future DH's first house. Even then we decided on 50/50. There is no way I would have demanded a bigger share - we were getting married and were going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Fast forward 30 years and I am a stay at home housewife. It is now my DH who the one contributes more and that is fine. Somewhere in the middle of all that I inherited some money and that went straight to pay off the mortgage. What I am trying to say is that over the years we have both contributed to our marriage - financially and otherwise. He earned money and I contributed by taking on all the childcare and managing the home. Either way it has been a 50/50 from day one and neither of us would have it any other way.

I cannot comprehend how you are thinking 75/25 for the rest of your lives. You are in a partnership called marriage , you should be sharing finances and living as equals. I bet you have his and hers bank accounts with bills worked out as % too.

I think that it's strange, considering your DH’s salary is so high, that he wouldn’t have offered to put in the same amount (£20k) in order to balance out the difference in equity.

I understand the years your deposit was relevant to the original purchase.

So, how about your dh put 30k (to match your original deposit, plus inflation/interest to relect the time between your buying the property to now) and then you can split the house 50/50.

if he leaves me.

Not surprised you're worried about this scenario with your attitude to this issue

Hmm, I agree YABU. It's annoying when you are the one to use all your savings for the family home, and your partner doesn't have any (happened to me). But that's how it goes in marriage. You both contribute what you have and that may not be equal. And it's not like your DH hasn't contributed since then.

Yabu, so you want him to pay 50% of the mortgage and his share of the 20 deposit and you still think you should get 75% of the property value

How much was the deposit? Mortgage and 20 equity?

Absolutely no way does he own half. You financed it. No matter about him being the higher earner.
I wouldn't trust him. Ever.

Given the number of terribly upsetting threads where women have foung their OH’s cheating, or where a DH has just upped and left I don’t think the OP is BU by having a contingency in case this happens. It’s not unromantic, it’s realistic.

And while her current suggestion may not be fair, I wonder how differently people would have answered if she’d preceded her OP with her DH having just done something awful...

It isn't ok to rip your partner off just in case he cheats or leaves you. That wouldn't be an acceptable excuse for financial abuse if a man was saying it, so it's not ok here.

The OP's DH has paid at least half the mortgage for the entire time she's owned the property. He'll have paid at least half of any repairs or improvements too. And I bet he's also done his fair share of DIY.

The OP is treating him like he was a lodger, but that doesn't reflect the reality. If his earnings are treated as shared, the property should be too.

Spot on @Floogle . That's exactly what OP should do. 75/25 is BU. The OP having her deposit back first (maybe plus inflation?) and then splitting 50/50 is the only fair split.

I would have thought you should protect your deposit and then split the rest 50:50. If he's paying more of the mortgage than you then you should eventually end up 50:50. It seems an odd way for you both to think when you joint finances to be honest.

Yeah, yabvu

Protect your deposit, 50:50 everything if you need to protect something.
If I were him I'd only be sharing 20% of my higher salary with you. Or leaving. Probably leaving.

I am a big advocate of separate finances but even I think YABU. The way I’d do it is this (I think I’ve understood the situation?)

Let’s say for argument’s sake you put in £15k deposit and he put in £5k. I’d ringfence my £15k to ensure that I’d get that back in the event of a sale. Assuming you’re splitting the mortgage payments 50/50, then any equity should be split 50/50.

You should get your original deposit back and then split 50/50.
YABVU and I don’t understand why you’d treat someone you love like this, truly horrible.

If you are married it doesn't matter what split you put on the house because a court will disregard it. This is a waste of your time and energy.

Your DH is a mug. He is entitled to 50:50. He has paid half of the bills for 13 years. You are very grabby.