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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I’m ripping him off

284 replies

EmmaG78x · 21/03/2019 20:54

Hi, big disagreement with DH about the proportion in ownership of our house.

When we met I’d just bought a house but We moved in together and joined finances shortly afterwards. Everything was split equally including the mortgage but this was much cheaper than if he was renting. 8 years later we used the profit from the house as a 20% deposit for a house. Noting else was used as a deposit so we split ownership 75:25 in my favour.

Now, 5 years later and we are about to change mortgage providers. DH has mentioned we should now move to 70:30in my favour and continue until it’s 50:50 in another 20 years.

I want it to remain 75:25 forever as the deposit was from selling my house and he earns a lot more than me so me and the kids will need more if he leaves me.

He argues we’ve had joint finances the whole time and he earns a lot more than me. (about 50% more until I went part time once DS1 was born so now about double)

AIBU to keep things the way they are?

OP posts:
meanieleanie · 21/03/2019 21:23

Ah sorry crossed posts.

BellaVista1540 · 21/03/2019 21:23

If I was your husband I’d leave your grabby ass before I feathered your future nest much further

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/03/2019 21:24

Can you imagine if this was the other way around Shock

As you're married it's a bit irrelevant, but no I don't think 75:25 is reasonable, and I definitely wouldn't have recommended that when you bought. You could protect your deposit but everything above that should be 50:50.

FeelingLikeShittyShit · 21/03/2019 21:26

I have always been “marriage is a partnership blah blah blah”. Until ExH and I split and he shafted me and the kids.

You are quite right to protect your own, original investment. Although in the event of a divorce I’m not actually sure you’d have much luck. However, this dues seem massively weight in your favour. I’d say the only fair thing to do is to ring fence the equity you had before your H moved in. After that point everything was shared in a partnership. If you come to divorce the courts will say you both contributed to the partnership equally, albeit maybe in different ways. They don’t care who earnt more. The only thing you could possibly do is prove premarital assets.

So.... say you had £20k equity in your house before H came along. How much of a % of your first joint purchase was that? That’s the % you should be protecting, nothing more

OrangeCinnamon · 21/03/2019 21:26

@emmaG78 perhaps better to concentrate on the relationship rather than the finances , maybe a savings account of your own would be a good idea if you are that worried . This is really about him possibly leaving and you wondering how you'd cope and you have obviously put some thought into it

girlintheglass · 21/03/2019 21:27

I think it's unreasonable to be honest. If you want to protect the money you originally put in then that's fair enough (I wouldn't personally do it) I have a husband and two children we share everything. I don't plan in case he leaves me, we are in this always together and until that changes I will deal with it then, but you are married and happy? Are you happy? If you are why does it bother you so much?

Iggly · 21/03/2019 21:27

You’re effectively pooling your financial resources with the salaries. All money in one pot?

Yet you think you should get more of a share of the house?

Cheeky fuckery!

feliciabirthgiver · 21/03/2019 21:27

I think it's sensible if you to think this way. My OH and I (not married) have bought our house as remnants in common. In the event we split up I get my £90k deposit back and we split any remaining equity 50/50 (as we both pay the mortgage equally). That way my initial investment is protected but the rest is equal, would that work for you?

Purpleartichoke · 21/03/2019 21:28

Another vote for go to 50/50 now.

HeresMe · 21/03/2019 21:29

Seems strange to be planning for a split if you are in a happy relationship?

It doesnt seem that he is seeing as he's waiting 20 years to go equal 50/50, it seems like you are ripping him off plus you are married it's a partnership.

Stargazer888 · 21/03/2019 21:29

He is being ripped off. Even if he leaves you he is still entitled to half the house. Are they his kids too?

C0untDucku1a · 21/03/2019 21:29

I actually don't think 50/50 is fair if he has a significantly higher wage and youd end up Rp.

mrsm43s · 21/03/2019 21:31

Hang on! You put in 20% of the property value, and shared the other 80% mortgage between you. And he'd contributed for 8 years to that 20% deposit. So the starting point should have been 60/40 in your favour, adjusted to take account of his "rent" contribution. 75/25 was ripping him off from the start. It should always have been 50/50.

If you "own" 75%, then you need to pay 75% of the mortgage and maintenance. But it sounds like he's paid the majority?

Your finances are either joint - everything owned 50:50 and you share finances/support each other, or they are separate, in which you keep "your" share of the property, but you personally pay 75% of the mortgage and maintenance costs, plus 50% of the bills. You can't mix the two, choosing whatever benefits you (and disadvantages your DH) in each situation.

Honestly, given his 8 yr contribution to the original property, 50/50 is the fairest. Otherwise, ringfencing the amount of your deposit and then the rest split 50/50 would seem be a possibility if he's prepared to let his 8 year contribution go unrecognised.

StrippingTheVelvet · 21/03/2019 21:32

Your attitude towards this probably contributed to him wanting to leave in the past tbf.

mrsm43s · 21/03/2019 21:33

If you divorced, the split would be decided by court (regardless of your ownership shares) and if you were the RP and earned less you would likely get awarded more anyway.

NCforthis2019 · 21/03/2019 21:33

!!!! You are ripping him off! Is that why he almost left? You seem to be preparing for the marriage to fail and so are setting up some sort of safety net.

Smileymoon · 21/03/2019 21:34

You are ripping him off.

It should be 50 / 50.

FogDog · 21/03/2019 21:34

Yes, YABU. I can’t believe that you think a 20% deposit paid years ago entitles you to 75% of the selling price / equity years later! And that 20% came from selling a house he’d split the mortgage on for eight years!

So, if you paid a £20k deposit towards a £100k house that one day sold for a million, you’d expect to get £750,000 even though he’s shared all of the mortgage payments? Surely I have this wrong?! Apologies if I have because I’ve had about three hours’ sleep.

By all means ensure that your deposit is legally protected and that you will get it all back if you split, but at the moment it sounds like he should own 50% of the equity in your current property once the initial deposit is deducted.

My husband sold his flat so we could buy together. He used it to pay the 20% deposit. We had the solicitor write into our agreement that if we sold and split, he would get that deposit back first and foremost THEN the remaining equity would be split.

FullOfJellyBeans · 21/03/2019 21:35

Your attitude is more reminiscent of house mates than partners of 8 years. If you became disabled and had to quit work would DH support you? Surely the point of getting married is that you pool resources. One of you works more, the other does more childcare, maybe you relocate when one of you is offered a promotion (or conversely you give up the potential promotion to stay put). You're happy making these financial sacrifices because you're putting all the money in one pot and becoming a team.

HarrySnotter · 21/03/2019 21:36

You're being incredibly unfair. How can you not see that!?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/03/2019 21:36

I think it's sensible if you to think this way. My OH and I (not married) have bought our house as remnants in common

You are not remnants Grin

It's totally different though as the OP is married

amilosingitor · 21/03/2019 21:37

As others have said, if you're bothered about protecting what you put in deposit wise, if the house were to be sold you get the amount that your deposit was and then everything else 50/50. I think he's being pretty calm only asking for an extra 5%. This isn't how marriage works in my mind.

xaphan77 · 21/03/2019 21:37

I agree, you are ripping him off - and he's not even asking for 50:50 until another 20 years time! if I was him i'd be looking to leave.

Nairobe · 21/03/2019 21:38

I think you should split 50/50 but write into the contract that you get your deposit back before the split.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 21/03/2019 21:40

Modern marriage sounds utterly exhausting to me , and I’m a feminist.

All for being sensible (completely, former accountant here),but at some point you actually need to be married and a team. For goodness sake, look at yourself. Where do love, generosity of spirit, and nurturing and supporting each other fit into this equation?

Heaven help marriages like this when the proverbial hits the fan and one of you needs to go the extra mile for a while and support the other one.

Seriously, you can be better than this.

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